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Judge Parker, 8/2/12

If you haven’t been following the storyline of Judge Parker — and let’s face it, you probably haven’t — it’s gone something like this: the mean people at the run-down fishing lodge suddenly became nice people, but it turns out it’s only because they’re secretly in league with (or perhaps secretly are the same people as) the owners of the marijuana field Avery accidentally fell into and they just wanted to get Sam and Avery out on the river so that they could steal Avery’s camera and get the marijuana pictures off of it, except that Avery took his camera fishing with him, foiling their evil plans. And now they’re presumably planning to lure Sam and Avery down into their cellar and imprison and/or murder them there. This is a good example of how Sam’s charmed life has dangerously lowered his defenses. “Why yes, I am wealthy and good-looking and well-connected, so it totally makes sense that you’re going to give me some luxury item for free. I’ll just trundle down into your dank basement and take my pick!”

Mark Trail, 8/2/12

Time in Mark Trail passes in a surreal, dream-like fashion, so who even knows how long ago it was that Rusty saw the poachers shoot that bighorn from a plane. Has it been days? It seems like it might have been days. Anyway, what I’m trying to say, Rusty, is what you really want to do is get a good, stomach-turning picture of some rotting sheep-flesh, with the more flies the better, if you want any respect from the avant-garde art world. You should actually crop out the poachers’ faces if you want to emphasize life’s impersonal cruelty, as I assume you do.

Herb and Jamaal, 8/2/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jamaal is farting constantly, and also because Herb is going to die of a massive heart attack!

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Mark Trail, 7/25/12

Rusty and his suddenly piercing blue eyes seem to have gone through some kind of handsomification (or at least de-hideousification) process, but don’t worry, he’s still alone in his room muttering furiously about “sheep killers” and “dead animals.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/25/12

I’ve always assumed that Hootin’ Holler was a socially conservative enclave, but it appears to actually be a polyamorous commune.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/25/12

Hagar the Horrible, the protagonist of a beloved nationally syndicated comic strip, is a thug who always takes what he wants with violence and threats of violence.

Pluggers, 7/25/12

Even before the Internet, pluggers could only make “friends” with people who lived far, far away from them.

Spider-Man, 7/25/12

“Let’s stare at them as he casually saunters away!”

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Just another quick thanks to everyone who’s sponsored my novel via Kickstarter so far! And if you haven’t, there’s still time! Why not check out the sample chapter to see if you want to pre-order?

Mark Trail, 7/17/12

Between this sinister aerial bighorn-poacher and Mark’s plane-flying murderous protagonists from the last storyline, we’re finally learning who the true villains in the Trailiverse are: people who have mastered the power of flight. Sure, Mark can fly a plane, but he’s morally incorruptible. The rest of humanity will get too close to the sun, go mad with delusions of godhood, and just start stone cold shooting everybody. Have you people even read the myth of Icarus? Stay on the ground, if you want to save your soul!

Spider-Man, 7/17/12

Peter Parker’s spider-sense might not be much good for saving him from being hit in the back of the head by non-superpowered villains or inanimate objects, but if you are talking shit about him within 20 feet, he will know about it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/17/12

“Don’t worry, Jamey — that jest means she ain’t decided yet whether or not to bake you into a pie!”