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Judge Parker, 5/25/12

It’s nice to know that I can do my best to come up with a ludicrously favorable plot outcome for a Judge Parker hero and still undershoot things. See, I thought that Avery Blackstone would sign off on Sam’s unduly generous and hastily written contract proposals only after Sam proved his fly-fishing prowess, when in fact Avery is so eager to spend some dude time with Sam that he’s willing to just skip the hard-hitting negotiations that are the entirety of his job duties. Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mark Trail, 5/25/12

“Plus, I suppose, emotionally devastated, world falling apart, blah blah blah. I don’t know her very well, so I can’t say for sure that she has basic human emotions.”

Mary Worth, 5/25/12

“But wait, Dawn, I wanted to show you my latest invention — half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart! Instead of frosting, it has mayonnaise!”

Ziggy, 5/25/12

In the post-apocalyptic future, the dwindling supplies of food are under the control of warlords and their gangs, and these thugs won’t accept the dead government’s fiat money in payment. They’ll only take payment in ammo and sex, and Ziggy is out of luck on both counts.

Six Chix, 5/25/12

The American judicial system’s hidden crisis: horny old ladies.

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Apartment 3-G, 5/24/12

Oh, say, what’s been going on in History’s Greatest Love Story, the tale of Nina and Scott Gaines? Well, Scott is determined to win back Nina’s love, and has decided that the best way to do that is to spend all his free time hanging out with the woman he was caught smooching, in a wacky misunderstanding of a totally innocent moment drunken face-mashing. Margo, whose plans to derive sexual pleasure from Scott have been stymied, now decides to try to extract some money from him instead, in the form of lucrative fees for her shoddy PR services. Scott is cartoonishly wealthy person, but there’s never been evidence that he’s ever done anything interesting enough for the rumor mill to take notice of, though that may soon change now that the woman he’s rumored to be having an affair with has suddenly been put on his payroll.

I don’t want to tell Margo how to do her job (really, I don’t, men have been killed for less), but if I were Scott’s PR manager, my first bit order of business would be to forbid him from leaving the house in a turtleneck/sports jacket combo (aka “the Robert Wagner”) ever again.

Mark Trail, 5/24/12

Wow, we’re all pretty hard on Mark for his inability to understand the motivations of humans or love his wife or talk as if he weren’t a soulless mandroid. But is it possible that he exhibits those behaviors only because he focuses all his mental energy on collecting seemingly insignificant bits of information and sifting through them like a Sherlock Holmes-style supersleuth? Ha ha, obviously not, we all know Mark is a moron. Anyway, since the mystery of Who Killed The Guy Mark’s Friend Gene Certainly Didn’t Kill is now solved (SPOILER: IT IS THE DEAD MAN’S WIFE, WHOM WE MET EARLIER THIS WEEK AND WHO IS OBVIOUSLY SHADY AND PROBABLY RECENTLY QUIT SMOKING, JUST YOU WAIT) maybe we can focus on the brutal murder of that innocent bird, which is going on in plain sight of Mark as he natters on about gum wrappers.

Pluggers, 5/24/12

Pluggers refuse to acknowledge that everyone they’ve ever known and loved is dying. “Gizmo isn’t dead, do you hear me? James M. Smith, Jr., that man in the coffin — I’ve never heard of him. I can call up my old buddy Gizmo and talk to him anytime I want. Don’t feel like doing it just now, but it’s good knowing that I can.”

Mary Worth, 5/24/12

ROMANCE TIP: You need to give your ex a little time before inviting her to have a three-way with you and your new girlfriend.

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Blondie, 5/20/12

Since you are all comics scholars, probably you are well aware of the Blondie origin story: Blondie was a carefree flapper girl who fell in love with Dagwood, the aimless son of a wealthy industrialist, and when the two decided to get hitched, Dagwood’s snooty family disinherited him for marrying a commoner, forcing him to get a job and become the suburban drone we know and love feel occasional twinges of mild affection for today.

Anyway, I have this theory that one of the secrets of the strip is that Mr. Dithers is in fact Dagwood’s father, the son having defiantly changed his last name to “Bumstead,” signifying his expulsion from the Dithers family’s monied Eden. This explains a number of the strip’s anomalies: Why Mr. Dithers employs Dagwood despite the Dagwood’s obvious incompetence and Mr. Dithers’s just as obvious contempt for him; why the families occasionally socialize, awkwardly; and why Dagwood, despite his bluster and hostility, is so nakedly desperate for Dithers’s approval. There have been few scenes in the comics more heart-rending and pathetic than the last two panels of this strip, in which Dagwood collapses into his chair in exhausted happiness after receiving such a minor display of affection from his boss.

Judge Parker, 5/20/12

Ooh, we’re the opening stages of this Judge Parker storyline, so let’s use the little details we’re being given to predict how it’s all going to go down! My guess: Sam gets invited on an impromptu fishing trip, Sam turns out to be surprisingly deft at fly-casting, Sam so impresses Avery Blackstone that Avery Blackstone hands over millions of dollars of his studio’s money for the film rights to Judge Parker Emeritus’s unreadable books, because rich guys who are good at awesome hobbies need to look out for each other. It’s slightly less certain, though still decently likely, that Peaches, being a sexy lady of dusky complexion who has a difficult relationship with her boss, will turn out to be a terrorist and/or spy.

Mark Trail, 5/20/12

It’s hard to tell from Mark’s exposition whether the horrifying vision in the final panel here depicts two slugs having sex or attempting to devour one another, but either way it’s easily one of the most scarring thing I’ve seen this week. Once again, fun facts about nature reinforce my long-held philosophy of avoiding nature in all its slimy, horny and/or carnivorous glory.