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Slylock Fox, 5/5/10

Boy, Slylock sure is grim this week. First it’s animals getting maimed in car wrecks, now it’s “which of these adorable beasties is closest to death”? The short lifespan of the opossum actually fits in nicely with the little story being told, too. The villain of whatever petty mystery Officer Turtle is trying to solve isn’t the accusatory raccoon, the terrified beaver, or the obviously stoned bear. No, that angry opossum did it, because when death is always hovering right over your shoulder, you do some crazy things just to feel alive. What’re you gonna do, copper, throw me in jail for life? Doesn’t matter to me, I was never going to get to see my kids grow up anyway.

Mark Trail, 5/5/10

With Cherry abandoning him to gussy herself up, Mark has been left with Doc and Rusty, truly the dregs of the Lost Forest social scene. The final panel illustrates why Rusty won’t be allowed out in the barn: his hideous visage will panic the horses.

Dennis the Menace, 5/5/10

Those terrifyingly thin ankles indicate that Dennis has managed to induce a serious eating disorder in his mother with his little bathroom pep talks. Menacing factor: +1.

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Mark Trail, 5/4/10

Oh ho ho, women, am I right, everybody? First they’re all like “Oh, we’re married, we should maybe spend more than six days a year together,” then when you agree to stick around, they’re scooting off to have themselves professionally groomed, because they just hang around the house looking like a slob when you’re not there! Who can understand ’em?

The best part of this strip is how happy Cherry’s dad looks in the second panel to get a little Mark time in. “Say, Mark, we don’t really get much opportunity to chat, so while she’s off at the beauty parlor, why don’t we…” “No, Cherry! Don’t leave me alone with him!”

Hi and Lois, 5/4/10

Is Hi’s face covered with bruises? I guess that’s just to show you that when men gossip, they do it in a manly way — at a bar, after drunkenly punching each other in the face.

Spider-Man, 5/4/10

Super-heroics update! While the sinister Sabretooth disarmed a police officer and fled, our hero nestled his face into his wife’s ample bosom and muttered semi-coherent nonsense. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, EVERYBODY!

The Wizard of Id, 5/4/10

Wow, this strip sure is on the cutting edge of social commentary! Yes, sir, the times sure are changing, if by “the times” we mean “the times forty years ago!” But, whatever, women, am I right?

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Beetle Bailey, 5/2/10

Beetle Bailey’s recent flirtation with self-referential absurdism has in fact led logically to this. All the references to the misty origins of the strip — you may not have known that upon launch Beetle Bailey was a college-humor strip, until the title character abruptly quit school and joined the army a year into its run — are here systematically dismantled. His long-forgotten girlfriend has found love with another, his ancient jalopy has been sold to a classic car collector, and his room at his parents’ has had all traces of his presence eliminated. With all ties to his former life finally cut after sixty years of basic training, Beetle is finally ready to ship out to one of the various war zones, where he will presumably die in a hail of bullets almost immediately, due to his incompetence.

Mark Trail, 5/2/10

Way to bring everyone down, Mark. “Look at this adorable little mouse, washing its face with its hands, OMG SO CUTE! Later, it was ground to bits in a mechanical thresher.”

Panels from Mary Worth, 5/2/10

LIES LIES OH MY GOODNESS SO MANY LIES