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Ziggy, 12/19/08

Sure, sneer all you want at this kid as some sort of symbol of ACLU-inspired civil libertarianism taken to extremes, but at least he’s not a grown man with no pants on waiting in line to see Santa.

Spider-Man, 12/19/08

After a brief bout of activity that might legitimately be called heroic, Spider-Man has surely earned an indefinite amount of time standing around with his fists on his hips looking studly, his nemesis’s ongoing non-captured status be damned. Thus, this plot will be resolved the only way that makes sense for the Spider-Man newspaper strip: by having the scrawny, not-superpowered fake Spider-Man bump the villain in the back with his shoulder.

Mark Trail, 12/19/08

OK, Pop, it’s just a rusted carburetor; there’s no need to fling yourself to the ground and clutch your forehead like a Victorian matron afflicted by the vapors. Geez, what a drama queen.

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Mark Trail, 12/15/08

A couple of months back, I posited that this could in fact be the ultimate Mark Trail storyline, including as it does all of the strip’s favorite plot devices — gentle forest hermits, rapacious mustachioed developers, a “hot” chick who wants to do Mark, terrible pet-napping hillbillies with sinister designs and stupid names, etc. In fact, there’s only been really one major Trail bugaboo missing, and that’s Indian artifact smuggling! So naturally Mark, in an attempt to fit his terrible ordeal in with the nature of the world he knows, assumes that Salty and his gang are “smugglers of some sort” (hint: the sort that smuggle PRICELESS INDIAN ARTIFACTS!) despite no evidence pointing in that direction. Maybe they’re just run-of-the-mill baddies who tie up local irritants on their disused shrimp boat, then fall asleep, for money!

Also absent in this storyline, up until today: a word balloon emanating from Andy’s crotch. So, there’s that.

Mary Worth, 12/15/08

Poor Lynn is starved for the human affection conveyed by simple hug, since everyone in her life (“everyone” consisting entirely of her father, ever since he had the brake lines cut on Greg’s brother’s car) is repulsed by such niceties as “physical contact.” Our heartbroken skater calculates (probably correctly) that Mary is in the “no touch” club, so in panel one she skillfully feints a dramatic pose against a convenient tree before pivoting and hurling herself into Mary’s arms. I give it a 9.8 (ideally her left arm would have come in below Mary’s right).

Another possibility is that Lynn is speaking literally when she says that her heart stopped when she heard about Greg’s death; this whole boring story was meant only to lull Mary into complacency, and now Zombie Lynn will lunge at her victim and feast on her brains.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/15/08

Oh, Hagar the Horrible, what a pretty and atmospheric winter scene you have for us here! It almost seems petty to point out that you seem to have forgotten to include a punchline of any sort in today’s strip.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/15/08

This is today’s Mother Goose and Grimm. It’s about dog-on-tree necrophilia! Yes, Ralph, it’s no coloring error that those hearts above your head are inky black, as your love for Lana is dirty and shameful.

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Mark Trail, 12/14/08

Kudos to Mark Trail for blowing the lid off of the weird little world of the chickadee! These birds stay active in the bleak, cold winter hellscape that most of their feathered cousins are clever enough to flee for warmer climes. Mark claims to be able to read the feelings of these non-English-speaking little creatures, saying that they’re “never depressed” by having to stay north all winter, but their behavior seems to tell a different story. As he describes it, they want nothing more than your handouts, and once they start getting them, they lose all sense of personal initiative, becoming nothing more than avian hobos, hopping around in your backyard begging for your scraps — and doomed by their own dependency if you grow bored with their antics. This seems to me to be indicative of a very poor self-esteem that doesn’t jibe with the cheery demeanor that Mark is trying sell us.

Kudos also to my alma mater for hosting a bird-related Web site from which Mark Trail can crib valuable ornithological information! Keep coming back to birds.cornell.edu for such bird-related headlines as “The Long Trek of the Bar-tailed Godwit”.

Mary Worth, 12/14/08

Here’s a little clue to help you get situated in Mary Worth: no matter who’s talking, it’s all about them. Thus we get to the climax of Lynn’s sad story: her friend Greg, whom her dad forced her to shun, was killed in a car accident, his brother behind the wheel. Would he still have died if Lynn hadn’t broken off their friendship? Obviously not! Was his horrible, untimely death intended to break her heart and serve as a direct rebuke against Lynn’s father? Of course it was! Greg’s family was probably broken up about it too or whatever, but the important thing about it is that it sent Lynn into a downward spiral that has affected her skating.

The shocking punchline to Lynn’s tale has sent Mary into head-wobbling palpitations in the final panel. This is not because she shudders in empathy for the young skater (ha ha, like you even need me to say that) but because the mention of death by car crash has given rise to intrusive feelings of guilt concerning her part in Aldo Kelrast’s fiery demise. Once she manages to suppress these feelings back into her Shame Place, she will be taking this out on Lynn, obviously.

With today’s strip’s epigraph, quirky outsider musician Daniel Johnston joins Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova on the list of Indie Rock Darlings You Never, Ever Thought You’d See Mentioned In Mary Worth.

Marvin, 12/14/08

Anyone who doubts that St. Nick really is a saint need only take a look at the second panel of today’s Marvin, in which he continues to display a cheery disposition despite being immediately adjacent to the strip’s titular hell-infant in full-on screaming mode. We’ll see if that crinkle-eyed smile persists after he receives all sixteen yards of Marvin’s illegible, saliva-fouled Christmas list.

Family Circus, 12/14/08

Phase one of PJ’s plan — confining his siblings in an enclosed space that would be difficult to escape from quickly — had gone perfectly. Operation Only Child was well on its way to a bloody but triumphant conclusion.