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Mark Trail, 11/13/08

You know that things in Mark Trail are about to get especially awesome when Mark strides into the midst of a gang of rowdy, bloodthirsty hillbillies, armed with nothing but his fists, his self-righteousness, and bold font. The last time he walked willingly into such a hornet’s nest of rustic hate was when he rescued Andy from a backwoods petnapping compound; first he declared his intentions to spring his beloved dog in front of armed hicks, then absorbed a kick to the groin and proceeded to toss his overalled nemesis to the pigs. Today, the clan of sinister yokels he faces is even more numerous, but Mark cares nothing for the odds, and will save yet another pet from yet another terrible fate.

The key part is that it’s a pet (or a PET, as Mark puts it). Wild raccoons: you are on your own, and will do battle with dogs to delight the rednecks for the foreseeable future. It’s nature’s way!

The real punchline of this story will come after Mark returns to the cabin in triumph to bring Sneaky home. Unable to sate the bloodlust he worked up while chained to that log, he’ll drown his beloved family in the bathtub. Mark will find their half-devoured corpses months later when he stops by to visit, and then Sue will finally be able to build that strip mall.

Mary Worth, 11/13/08

There are so many things wrong with Mary’s self-appointed mission as a relentless meddler, but here’s the wrongest: Mary really doesn’t understand human beings, or their emotions, at all. “Sorry for the years of emotional abuse! Here’s this expensive but ultimately useless bauble I purchased at a store. I know that based on the foliage here in upstate New York it’s mid-June, but, FYI, this is your Christmas present, so don’t expect anything in December. Now, who’s ready for another 18-hour practice?”

Luann, 11/13/08

And that’s the day that Luann settled on her future career: phone sex operator.

Hi and Lois, 11/13/08

It had been eleven days since Hi and Lois had forced Chip to join the Army, sold Trixie to the highest bidder, and then got in the car and driven off to parts unknown. Dot and Ditto had eaten the last edible matter in the house. Things were about to get ugly.

Marmaduke, 11/13/08

And by “leave so fast they forget their coat,” he means “are devoured the moment they take their coat off,” of course.

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Cleats, 11/6/08

This is Cleats! I almost never talk about it, except when it becomes a scene of nightmarish horror; but, seeing as it’s ostensibly a good-natured, light-hearted look at the world of youth athletics, that happens more than you’d think. Anyhoo, Edith there is a slightly bookish young lady who enjoys goaltending and fencing. She has terrifying, inhuman mouth-parts that she uses to feed on soccer balls, and rotting flesh.

Pluggers, 11/6/08

You know you’re an impoverished plugger when you live in an apartment so tiny that your can barely fit your legs between your TV stand and your chair, which is just as well seeing as you can’t afford any other furniture. Also, you know you’re an impoverished plugger when you’d like to eat your cat, but you can’t move quickly enough to catch him because you’re weak and keep fainting, because of the hunger. At least this poor bastard hasn’t had to resort to the ultimate plugger indignity: hocking his television.

Mark Trail, 11/6/08

“Raccoons like to wander a lot … around in nature! That’s because they’re wild animals! They don’t care a whit about you, or your family! You’re lucky Sneaky managed to ‘sneak’ out, or else he probably would have ‘snuck’ into your room at night and bit you on the face, for no reason!”

Also, I challenge you all to use the phrase “That will make it easier to chain to a log” in casual conversation today.

Shoe, 11/6/08

“Also, I’m old and dying! So the future can pretty much bite me, you know what I’m saying?”

Psst! If you’re interested in discussing the election, this would be a good place to do it.

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Slylock Fox, 11/3/08

Oh, today’s Slylock is a cavalcade of delights. I love Shady’s early-20th-century finery, and the Fat Cats dressed in various period costumes — we’ve got Roaring ’20s Plutocrat Cat and Bespectacled Early ’60s Cat, along with a more contemporary counterpart. Plus there’s Shady’s framed “Inventor of the Year” certificate, which was obviously created in Print Shop. Mostly, though, I like Shady’s invention, which bears a suspicious resemblance to an always-cool pillow gadget I thought up in junior high, when I had even less engineering knowledge than I do now. If only I had had a pair of stripey pants, I could have gotten venture funding!

Mark Trail, 11/3/08

Sue, Charlie isn’t going to be able to leave you alone if you keep slamming the door into his chest. “Go home, Charlie! [SLAM] We’ll talk [SLAM] in the office [SLAM] tomorrow!” “Eargh, Sue, I think you just broke my sternum! Please stop! [SLAM] Aarrrrgggh….”

Meanwhile, Sneaky is heading out for his date with dog-drowning destiny. Realizing that he may need to be identified later, he pauses between panels two and three to put on his collar.

Spider-Man, 11/3/08

“We know who did it! It’s the guy who’s unconscious and immobilized at the scene of the crime, where the stolen goods are nowhere to be seen! God, I love being a cop! It’s so easy!”