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Apartment 3-G, 8/21/09

Oh, Margo, I know that talking about the good times helps the healing process along, but describing your and Eric’s sex life in vivid terms will only serve to make everyone uncomfortable.

Ballard Street, 8/21/09

As a rule, I only mention Ballard Street, which generally depicts lunatics doing inscrutable things, when it’s particularly insane, and I certainly think that today’s installment, in which the McCullys are apparently eating their dog, qualifies.

Marmaduke, 8/21/09

In an attempt to put a stop to the damage that Marmaduke is doing to His creation, God Himself is attempting to melt the demon-hound with His divine radiance, with only partial success.

Ziggy, 8/21/09

This chef is attempting to get Ziggy high, on Robitussin.

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Mary Worth, 8/8/09

I know we were all very disappointed when Delilah fled Charley’s porn palace in terror and left Mary a hopeful note about how she was returning to her emotionally distant husband; it seemed like one of the most prominent storylines since Aldomania was being nipped in the bud. But were we perhaps too hasty? Are we going to get a few entertaining weeks in the life of Lawrence Jonis, philosopher/faith healer? Hopefully! Of course, this promising fountain of hilarity could be cut off prematurely; it appears that our orange t-shirted Jonis devotee has been so moved by the philosopher’s preaching that he’s going to seize Lawrence’s head and eat it, so as to gain immediate access to the amazing knowledge within his Brylcreemed skull.

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

The Man Who Shot Joey Williams sure is an intriguing character, even if he doesn’t merit a name of his own. Despite being a cold-blooded sniper, he’s courtly enough to refer to his recent victim as “Mr. Williams,” even when there’s nobody around to hear his musings. He also seems concerned that perhaps his message about not talking wasn’t entirely clear. Maybe Mr. Williams has lots of people who want to maim him for various reasons, and the shooter worries that he won’t derive the proper meaning from the bullet in his shoulder. “Now, was that a message to stop jawing about the illegal waste dumping, a message to stay away from that drug dealer’s girlfriend, or a message not to go back on my agreement to spy for Russians? Damn it, if only there were some way to tell!”

It’s also possible that the safety-orange-clad assassin is talking about an actual letter of some sort that Joey was sent warning him to keep his mouth shut; if he never received this message, then it really wasn’t fair to shoot him, because how was he supposed to know otherwise? “Damn it, I told our sinister mob boss that we should have sent it registered mail! He’s such a cheapskate that way!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/09

Oh my God, is she going to TAKE WALLY TO HIS OWN GRAVE? Is he going to go down on his knees in front his own tombstone and scream “NOOOOOOOOO” before taking his own life in order to simplify the lives of everyone who’s assumed that he was dead and moved on? Ha ha ha, most hilarious Funky Winkerbean ever!

Marmaduke, 8/8/09

Not satisfied with wreaking his own trail of gore and death across the landscape, Marmaduke has taken to disrupting police investigations so as to make life easier for the other murderers in his damned town.

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Mary Worth, 8/7/09

You know, I’m beginning to suspect that the creators of Mary Worth don’t have a particularly clear idea of what exactly it is a philosophy professor does for a living. Picking an actual professional philosopher essentially at random, one can say that it is unsurprising to find a philosophy prof who’s a beardy fellow and who write papers on things like “Determinism, Laws and Predictability in Principle” and “Metaphor and Theory Change.” In contrast, in my experience philosophers are not particularly prone to standing on stage in a rust-colored suit in front of an enormous sign bearing their own names, arms stretched out to receive adulation of the cheering, clapping masses, who are so eager for the briefest of contact with their idol that security must keep constant vigilance lest they degenerate into an unruly mob. I believe somewhere along the line “philosophers” have been confused with “motivational speakers” or “cult leaders.”

Pluggers, 8/7/09

Two possible explanations for this cartoon:

1. Pluggers are ignorant solipsists who believe that nothing that happened before they were born could possibly be important or worth knowing about.
2. Pluggers are almost unfathomably old.

Family Circus, 8/7/09

Ha ha! The vacationing Keanes will leave their campsite reeking of urine!

Marmaduke, 8/7/09

But hey, at least Billy isn’t letting Barfy devour a hapless fast-food cashier.