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Mark Trail, 9/3/08

This may look like just another denouement of just another moronic Mark Trail storyline, in which Kelly Welly attempts to force herself on a wide-eyed, terrified Mark right in front of his long-suffering wife — but take a good look at said wife in the third panel. Cherry appears to be vanishing into thin air right before our eyes! If I understand the Back To The Future saga correctly, this means that Kelly will have had gone back in time and prevented Cherry’s parents from ever meeting, resulting in a Mark that was going to be single and shall earlier be open to her lascivious advances. (Sorry if that was confusing, but verb tenses get convoluted when time travel is involved.)

Apartment 3-G, 9/3/08

So it seems that the long afternoon naps were just the beginning; desperate junkies Alan and Haley also have … oh, God, I can barely say it … tattered curtains! And it looks like they haven’t done the dishes for several days! MONSTERS! THIS IS YOUR MILDLY DINGY APARTMENT ON DRUGS, KIDS!!

Seriously, why on earth would a drug habit result in tattered curtains? Did Alan hock his old curtains so he could buy drugs, but then the shred of dignity he had left caused him to root through the garbage to find some rat-eaten fabric that he could hang over the windows to prevent the folks in the building across the street from seeing him in his low state? Or, when he runs out of dope, does he just start smoking the drapery in desperation?

Crankshaft, 9/3/08

In the second panel of this strip doesn’t make you recoil in horror, you probably aren’t a terrible person like I am.

Marmaduke, 9/3/08

Having tired of devouring the common people, Marmaduke appears to have killed and eaten a comical 19th-century plutocrat.

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Dennis the Menace, 8/30/08

At last, I have determined what it takes to get me to laugh at Dennis the Menace: public urination.

Marmaduke, 8/30/08

Now that a new artist has taken over Marmaduke, the “I am about to devour this child” expression on his face is even more terrifying and vivid.

Pluggers, 8/30/08

Pluggers are fish-fucking perverts.

Shoe, 8/30/08

Roz’s meatloaf is mostly made of feet.

UPDATE: Cannot deal with the foobnale tonight … Sunday strips tomorrow morning.

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Marmaduke, 8/18/08

Eagle-eyed readers have noted for the past few days that there have been two names at the bottom of Marmaduke’s panels — Paul and Brad Anderson, presumably indicating yet another cartoon property being passed down from father to son, like kingships and duchies were in Europe in days of yore. Today may be Paul’s first day really driving the pen, as there’s a distinct difference in style — the children look like recognizable humans instead of face-melted horror-things, for instance. But thankfully, the feature’s central Marmadukeness remains intact, as Marmaduke is cheerfully threatening to eat these little suburban moppets, or worse.

Mark Trail, 8/18/08

Cherry and Kelly are dumb girls, so obviously they’re not going to be able to get out of their Desperate Cat Cave Dilemma themselves. The question is, which male person or persons will end up saving them? Will it be, um, what’s-his-name and the other guy, the two losers who have been on their pointless expedition with them? Or will it be Mark, who is looking so handsome sitting on top of that pretty, pretty pony with the pretty mane? As with most questions involving Mark Trail, you’ll quickly figure it out if you ask yourself “How would a ten-year-old girl answer?”

Crankshaft, 8/18/08

I admit somewhat shamefacedly that I unironically laughed at today’s Crankshaft, and actually sort of look forward to the long-simmering battle of extremely awfulness that will crankily rage between these two until one of them dies. I do wonder why Crankshaft’s daughter’s mother-in-law (I refuse to look up her name) is decked out in black. Is she perpetually in mourning for her long-dead spouse, like Queen Victoria? Or is she just an inky singularity of hate, from which no light or joy can escape?