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Hi and Lois, 4/1/08

Poor Hi! Sure, he hasn’t gotten more than a meager cost-of-living wage increase from that tightwad Froofram in years, but he’s gotten used to the lifestyle that his realtor wife’s huge commissions made possible during the go-go housing boom of the mid-naughts. Now that she hasn’t sold a house in months, Lois can only stare cross-armed at Hi’s $16 bottle of wine, knowing that it’s put a substantial dent in this month’s grocery budget. Only Sterno will help the Flagstons drink away their pain for the foreseeable future.

Judge Parker, 4/1/08

Poor Gloria! All she wanted to do was live out her lifelong fantasy of making it with a guy with no legs, but it turns out that hero Steve is not only damaged physically, but mentally as well. Sure, you can forgive a guy who had a mine planted outside of his hut and gets mysterious packages in the mail for being a little paranoid, but it’s clear that he’s going to see conspiracies in every nice gesture anyone does for him — and that he’s not ready for a relationship. Gloria will just have to console herself with her back issues of Stump Humper a little while longer.

Marmaduke, 4/1/08

One of the fun things I like to do with the comics is to come up a whole hidden backstory behind the gag-a-day features. For instance, I like to imagine that Marmaduke’s owner is actually Adolph Hitler, who faked his suicide, escaped from his command bunker to post-war American suburbia, and got a Great Dane. His former position as absolute ruler of a continent makes the petty indignities of life with Marmaduke all the more infuriating. Today, for instance, we can see on his hate-twisted fate that he would like nothing more than to send the impertinent policeman and the damn dog to a concentration camp, but as it is all he can do is wave his hand in the air and rage impotently. Is it a fitting punishment for his monstrous crimes? Not really, but it’s kind of fun to see.

Gil Thorp, 4/1/08

The “drama” of today’s strip — Gil sends hapless assistant to hush up overbearing parent, hapless assistant fails miserably — is lame even by Gil Thorp standards. Still, it’s always nice to see some Milford kids on the verge of tears.

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Apartment 3-G, 3/21/08

Ha ha, Margo fleeing in panic from human affection will always be hilarious to me. Lu Ann is really making a go of it, though — it looks like this is less an attempted hug and more a running tackle. Margo has her deadly pointing finger deployed in defense, ready to take out an eye if that’s what it takes.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/21/08

What’s the best reason to pledge a lifetime commitment to someone, and to have a big, expensive wedding with several attendants? A desire to share your love with your family and friends? Ha ha, no, silly, it’s revenge.

Gil Thorp, 3/21/08

That’s supposed to by Tyler Jay? Say what you will about the previous artist, but he was at least able to conceive of two spit-curled characters in the same strip. On the other hand, maybe Tyler’s new ’do, which appears to be heavily shellacked, is meant to serve as a final defense measure if the urge to club himself again became overwhelming.

Marmaduke, 3/21/08

Marmaduke has recently killed and eaten a leather daddy, a go-go dancer, and an aerobics instructor, and is wearing a few items of their clothing as grisly trophies.

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Hey, everybody! I’m back from sunny Tucson (where I met up with Bob Weber, Jr. and a DELIGHTFUL group of readers — pics coming in a bit). I must give props to Uncle Lumpy for his fine filling in, and a huge thanks to everyone who gave money during the pledge drive — you’ll all be receiving individual thank-yous over the next day or two. After catching up on the most crucial storylines (Mary Worth flashback? OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF) I confronted today’s comics and found nothing but sleaze and personal degradation.

For Better For Worse, 3/10/08

There’s an entire Women’s Studies thesis waiting to be written about the Foobs today. Elizabeth’s abject terror and panic that Anthony will think she’s a two-timing ne’er-do-well would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic and queasy-making. The fact that Anthony isn’t being a total douche for once (“Gosh, sorry you’re terrified about being caught alone with a man after sundown … I didn’t realize that this phone could call the 19th century”) just makes it ickier. Presumably Liz will agree to Anthony’s inevitable proposal to “make it up for him,” setting a firm foundation for a future life of quiet desperation and self-loathing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/10/08

Niki, of course, isn’t a literal whore; no, he’s an ethics whore! You have to admit that there’s something pretty skewed about the moral hoops the strip made him jump through to get his sweet payoff, which, if you haven’t been following, went something like this:

BANK ROBBER: Hey, kid, even though you’re cute and ludicrously clean-cut, I can tell you’re from the streets, like me. Here, take some stolen cash!
NIKI: No way, Mister! Rex Morgan is keeping me on the straight and narrow! [Surreptitiously takes cash anyway. Later…]
NIKI: Rex, I … took some of that stolen cash! I know it was wrong!
REX: It sure was, Niki! Lucky for us, we’re about the freeze to death and can burn it for heat!
SHERIFF: Son, you sure did a great thing by helping catch that bank robber! Here’s some reward money!
NIKI: Sorry, sheriff, I’m wracked with guilt over the stolen cash I stole and then burned! I can’t accept the reward!
ANONYMOUS DONOR: Son, you sure did a great thing by turning down that reward money! Here’s some reward money! Plus a college fund, which is more virtuous than cash, since you’ll just spend the cash on hoodies and hair care products!
NIKI: Wait, Rex, even though it was wrong for me to accept the reward money, is it right for me to accept this meta-reward money?
REX: Who the hell knows? I’ve been drunk for hours!

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/8/08

Yes, Cherry, we know how you like to keep Mark at home! And we’re sure he won’t be going anywhere for … you know, a while …

Mark Trail, 3/10/08

Ha ha, Cherry! Now that Mark has finished up his thrice-annual marital intimacy with you (on a rock, as is his wont), he’s going to head out to “present an award for the magazine,” if you know what I mean! No, wait, this is Mark Trail we’re talking about, I’m sure that just means he’s actually going to present an award for the magazine — presumably getting a plaque from a raven-haired, all-tan-clad outdoorsman is the equivalent to getting a Pulitzer in nature journalism. Anyway, Cherry, you look to be getting along fine with Andy in panel two; you don’t need Mark at all!

Marmaduke, 3/10/08

And speaking of getting along fine with our four-legged friends … wait, you know what? I don’t think I can handle this on my first day back. I think it might be the kind of thing you have to build up to.