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Apartment 3-G, 1/21/09

As a native Buffalonian, I resent Margo’s implication that “upstate” is a great place to go bury bodies or answering machines with terrifying messages or whatever else she’s planning to dispose of out there. (Yes, Buffalo is technically Western New York, not Upstate New York, but devout Manhattanites use “upstate” as a blanket term for anything north of Columbia University, and if you need any confirmation of Margo’s devotion, just look at how resentful she is at the very thought of letting the sun go down on her in Schenectady or wherever.) Does she think that the whole state outside of her precious Five Boroughs consists of nothing but decaying, abandoned industrial sites, or vast stretches of barren wasteland punctuated by the occasional slowly collapsing barn, where she can just hide evidence of criminal wrongdoing at will? I mean, she’d be right, but that doesn’t mean that we want snooty urbanites with their fancy New York City corpses messing up all the good hiding spots.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/21/09

Usually Herb and Jamaal’s primary mission is to suck all the fun and enjoyment out of the English language by making it as bland and nonspecific as possible, but I really like this new euphemism for masturbation that it’s introduced today. “I spent the evening in, ‘dating my shadow,’ if you know what I mean.”

Marvin, 1/21/09

Good lord, as if rendezvousing in person with someone you first met online wasn’t already fraught enough, can you imagine if you meet some guy you’ve been chatting with and are sort of excited about, and he turns out to be a literal, actual baby? Especially if he were a loathsome, hateful baby, like Marvin?

Spider-Man, 1/21/09

Spider-Man, well aware of his intellectual limitations, is right to ! in the final panel. If the little boy’s statement is correct, it’s a wonder that Batman can even figure out how to chew.

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Spider-Man, 1/2/09

If there’s one thing you have to respect Spider-Man for, it’s its recognition of its own narrative limitations. A strip with more self-confidence might try to weave a coherent storyline, dropping crucial bits of information in expository dialog that’s been carefully tailored to seem natural, to establish the changed dramatic milieu. But the Spider-Man newspaper strip would fail utterly at that, obviously, so instead it just keeps interrupting itself every few panels to shriek “THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FOR REASONS RELATED TO THE COMIC BOOK, WHICH YOU DON’T READ! ISN’T IT AWESOME AND INTRIGUING?” at you.

By the way, contrary to anything the final panel might have you believe, there will be absolutely no surprises in store in the Spider-Man newspaper strip ever again, or at least not until it makes another arbitrary time/profession/relationship jump eighteen months after something vaguely similar happens in the comic books. “Now Spidey is divorced, working as a systems analyst, and living in Bay Ridge! He’s still a putz, though.”

Marvin, 1/2/09

I have no idea why Marvin, who revels in his non-potty-trained status, is in this grim death-line to the now-extended family’s single toilet. Presumably he’s going to wait until everyone starts feeling really uncomfortable due to nature’s call, then crap in his pants, just because he can.

Apartment 3-G, 1/2/09

It was probably inevitable that the Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly For Tommie’s Love would eventually devolve into The Battle Between Gary And Dr. Kelly In Which Each Attempts To Fob Tommie’s Love Off Onto The Other.

Ziggy, 1/2/09

Jeez, Ziggy, you’re looking awful mopey there for someone whose pharmacist is scoring him some prescription medication for recreational use. Try to make an effort, huh?

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Apartment 3-G, 12/21/08

Of late, the Sunday Apartment 3-Gs have consisted entirely of recaps of what went down the preceding week. Today’s strip does advance the plot a tiny bit (and what more can we ask from a soap opera strip?) with Tommie’s final-panel thought balloon. You’ve probably never noticed Dr. Kelly’s handsome smile because you’ve never submitted to his workplace-based sexual advances before, Tommie.

The Tommie storyline on display here — Tommie was sort of seeing this guy and was kind of falling for him, but he’s been cold and distant lately, so she’s thinking about going out with some other dude — exemplifies exactly why Tommie doesn’t get more storylines. Margo’s vigorous second-panel scarf-wrapping contains more drama than Tommie’s last fifteen strip appearances combined.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/21/08

So apparently the Rex Morgan, M.D., cruise adventure is going to be some kind of comedy of socioeconomic manners, in which the anxious, striving middle classes (represented by the all-too-eager-to-please Second Officer Tomas) will, in the absence of the revolutionized proletariat, try and fail to cater to the whims of the upper crust (represented by pouty, disgusted June and comically put-upon Rex). Frankly, I liked it better when I thought it was going to be a gay porno.

Marvin, 12/21/08

Most horrifying thing to appear in a comic strip today: “Sorry I’m late. My date with the poodle took longer than I thought … if you know what I mean!” [exaggerated hip thrusts] This Christmas, remember to have your pets spayed or neutered, folks.