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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/16/08

I apologize for not dwelling more on the opening salvos of the current Rex Morgan storyline, because it promises to be a doozy: the cruise line is bankrupt, the crew is in open revolt, and the ship is heading aimlessly into international waters. Rex is a practical man, and it’s well known that, after anonymous gay sex spending time with his wife and child, his main passions in life are ice cream and macaroni and cheese; therefore, it makes sense that his first thought is for how he’ll be getting sustenance on this mutinous hell-cruise. In panel three, he seems to be trying to determine exactly how soon cannibalism will be necessary, and how he can manage not to be the first to feast on his fellow passengers’ flesh but still get enough to eat and not become an entrée himself.

Hi and Lois, 12/16/08

In the spirit of always looking on the bright side of life: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the current economic meltdown is a good thing; but the collapse of global financial markets did indirectly give rise to this cartoon, in which Hi is sporting a pleasingly gobsmacked expression. No doubt he’s realizing that, as a Generic White-Collar Suburban Cartoon Dad, he has absolutely no skills of the sort that will be useful in the coming post-collapse world (e.g., hunting, agriculture, small-unit tactics). Can any event, no matter how disastrous, that has unnerved comfortable Hi Flagston so completely be entirely bad?

Marvin, 12/16/08

Just as with Ralph the log-fucking dog, Clare’s affections are indicated in today’s Marvin by disturbingly black hearts floating above her head, and for similar reasons: her affections are sick and wrong. In this case, those hearts are there to illustrate the love life of babies. Terrible, gold-digging babies.

Marmaduke, 12/16/08

Guess who’s the bottom and who’s the top in the S&M relationship between Marmaduke and his Hitler-esque owner.

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Mark Trail, 12/14/08

Kudos to Mark Trail for blowing the lid off of the weird little world of the chickadee! These birds stay active in the bleak, cold winter hellscape that most of their feathered cousins are clever enough to flee for warmer climes. Mark claims to be able to read the feelings of these non-English-speaking little creatures, saying that they’re “never depressed” by having to stay north all winter, but their behavior seems to tell a different story. As he describes it, they want nothing more than your handouts, and once they start getting them, they lose all sense of personal initiative, becoming nothing more than avian hobos, hopping around in your backyard begging for your scraps — and doomed by their own dependency if you grow bored with their antics. This seems to me to be indicative of a very poor self-esteem that doesn’t jibe with the cheery demeanor that Mark is trying sell us.

Kudos also to my alma mater for hosting a bird-related Web site from which Mark Trail can crib valuable ornithological information! Keep coming back to birds.cornell.edu for such bird-related headlines as “The Long Trek of the Bar-tailed Godwit”.

Mary Worth, 12/14/08

Here’s a little clue to help you get situated in Mary Worth: no matter who’s talking, it’s all about them. Thus we get to the climax of Lynn’s sad story: her friend Greg, whom her dad forced her to shun, was killed in a car accident, his brother behind the wheel. Would he still have died if Lynn hadn’t broken off their friendship? Obviously not! Was his horrible, untimely death intended to break her heart and serve as a direct rebuke against Lynn’s father? Of course it was! Greg’s family was probably broken up about it too or whatever, but the important thing about it is that it sent Lynn into a downward spiral that has affected her skating.

The shocking punchline to Lynn’s tale has sent Mary into head-wobbling palpitations in the final panel. This is not because she shudders in empathy for the young skater (ha ha, like you even need me to say that) but because the mention of death by car crash has given rise to intrusive feelings of guilt concerning her part in Aldo Kelrast’s fiery demise. Once she manages to suppress these feelings back into her Shame Place, she will be taking this out on Lynn, obviously.

With today’s strip’s epigraph, quirky outsider musician Daniel Johnston joins Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova on the list of Indie Rock Darlings You Never, Ever Thought You’d See Mentioned In Mary Worth.

Marvin, 12/14/08

Anyone who doubts that St. Nick really is a saint need only take a look at the second panel of today’s Marvin, in which he continues to display a cheery disposition despite being immediately adjacent to the strip’s titular hell-infant in full-on screaming mode. We’ll see if that crinkle-eyed smile persists after he receives all sixteen yards of Marvin’s illegible, saliva-fouled Christmas list.

Family Circus, 12/14/08

Phase one of PJ’s plan — confining his siblings in an enclosed space that would be difficult to escape from quickly — had gone perfectly. Operation Only Child was well on its way to a bloody but triumphant conclusion.

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Lockhorns, 12/2/08

When I first started this blog, way back in the day, one of the things I was most perversely excited about was writing about the Lockhorns — I think I had this post written in my head before I had even set the blog up in the first place. Over time, I haven’t said as much about it as I have about other strips, but my weird admiration for its gung-ho commitment to marital heartbreak hasn’t wavered. Today’s installment features one of my favorite recurring aspects of the strip — Leroy and Loretta’s shared bleak, glum expressions, with eyes deadened by years of horror, as if they’ve just stumbled out of a concentration camp or something. Normally, a cartoon character about to have Dr. Blog’s finger up his butt would look comically anxious, but here Leroy just looks like he’s thinking, “Whatever. Nothing you can do can possibly wound my dignity more than my very existence already does.”

Loretta, meanwhile, is equally numb, for private reasons of her own. Maybe she expected to get a fleeting moment of satisfaction from Leroy’s prostate-exam-related panic, and is realizing that even that will be denied her.

Also, it appears that someone at Lockhorns central is fixated on airport security, and rectums.

(Also also: “Dr. Blog?” Really?)

Marvin, 12/2/08

Speaking of emotional devastation, I was pleased to see Marvin’s grandparents left completely shattered as their plans for retirement fall to pieces around them, but that’s just because I hate Marvin and want all of its characters to suffer horribly. Maybe they’ll have to move in with Marvin’s parents! And everyone will get on each other’s nerves, and Marvin will poop in his pants while thought-ballooning wryly! Oh, the hilarity.

Mark Trail, 12/2/08

Now, Mark Trail — there’s a guy who never lets things get him down! Why, here he is, tied up, being held at gunpoint by a dude named “Rabbit,” being handed over to a burly fellow with a Fu Manchu-ish mustache named “Salty” — and he’s keeping his cool! Almost as if he’s secretly pleased, for some reason. I can’t wait to see what happens next!