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Billy’s mustache, Dolly’s neck … it’s all very, very wrong

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Marvin, 5/7/23

Like Hagar the Horrible, Marvin hasn’t exactly introduced a ton of new characters over in recent years. I’m pretty sure “Marty” is new, though. Marty! The guy Marvin’s dad refuses to humiliate himself in front of! As opposed to, you know, all the other characters, where he has absolutely no shame about it. Anyway, not sure how much mileage we can actually get out of that dynamic, so wisely they didn’t bother putting the effort into drawing Marty. You’ll just have to use your imagination, I guess!

Family Circus, 5/7/23

Big Daddy Keane! You think your old age is going to be unpleasant without the kids, but have you considered that it might just feel that way because your future self has chosen to sit in an extremely uncomfortable-looking chair? Get a nice recliner, and have it shipped to your new house, the one that you don’t tell the kids the address to, it’ll be great, trust me.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/7/23

“Because I’m gonna need something to poop in when I need an excuse to not sing ‘Muddy Boots’! That’s right, Mud Mountain is back, baby!”

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I just … B.O. Plenty, you guys, I dunno

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Dick Tracy, 4/28/23

I sort of forgot to mention that it seemed for a minute like the game-themed crime bullshit in Dick Tracy might take a turn into furry stuff, which, whatever you might think of furry stuff and Dick Tracy separately, it’s pretty funny when the two of them come together. But alas there’s been this week-long detour into a whole thing where [sigh] B.O. Plenty has a sexy cousin named Klinique (?), and she and a chicken named “Chick Tracy II” (because the original Chick Tracy died/was eaten???) are going to be on a commercial together, and let me tell you, the vibe is like a million times less wholesome than any furry stuff would’ve been.

Marvin, 4/28/23

Ha ha, it’s funny because Bitsy has a ghost for a roommate! Just the damned soul of, well, a dog, I guess, or maybe some other creature that’s howling endlessly on the spectral plane, having been driven mad by its endless liminal state between this world and the next that for whatever reason it cannot escape. That’s just wacky good fun!

Mary Worth, 4/28/23

“Like, for instance, I was like, ‘Remember that guy you went on a date with a year ago? What happened with that? Maybe you should ask him out again.’ And then you did! Now you owe me everything”

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Tuesday is for oldsters

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/23

Oh no, Hank Jr. must either give in to that nagging feeling he has about “Dr. Mirakle” and follow that thread no matter how far it goes or what kind of seedy underworld of fraud and violence it takes him to, or he could forget all about it and go back to his cabin and fool around with his wife. Sounds like a tough choice, I know, but keep in mind that if he “solves” the Dr. Mirakle caper, absolutely nobody will give a shit, so clearly that’s the route he’s going to take.

Marvin, 4/18/23

Every once in a while they make an “old guys doing crimes” movie with beloved older actors, like Tough Guys (1986, Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas) or Going In Style (2017, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Alan Arkin), along with probably some other ones in the intervening 30 years that I’m forgetting. These movies are never really big hits but there’s a built-in audience, which is to say old people, and since old people are also the most important audience for newspaper comics, Marvin could definitely do worse than have a whole subplot where Roy and Bernie’s new friend Earl pulls them into a life of crime, providing a kind of thrill in their later years that they thought they’d never recapture. Or, you know, the strip could instead have one joke about a guy who can’t stop wearing a ski mask, ha ha, then it’s right back into the poop jokes.

Mary Worth, 4/18/23

Dr. Ed is out here proving that you don’t have to follow annoying technicalities like “labor law” when you GOT THAT GOOD DICK