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HELLO EVERYBODY! Thank you all for being so well-behaved while your beloved Uncle Lumpy was here and in charge! I’m back from my journey and what did I find in the mail when I returned home but some FABULOUS MAGNETS from MAGNET-MEISTER MATT CROWE!

Those of you who have been patiently awaiting magnets (and possibly tote bags) since the spring fundraiser will be getting yours soon! They’ll be in the mail by the end of the week.

Anyway! Let’s get back to what we’re all here for: comics in which a shark is covered in bleeding open sores!

Mark Trail, 7/29/15

Ha ha, that last image is … something, right? Like, last we saw this shark, it just had some mild scarring, but now it’s just straight-up bleeding all over the place. Who knew nature could be so gross! I did, actually, which is why I never go outside if it all possible and shriek like a terrified child if some non-human lifeform manages to get into my house.

Apartment 3-G, 7/29/15

Oh, hey, don’t forget that before Greg was Margo’s boyfriend, he and Lu Ann went on a some dates and did some weird sex (?) stuff, which Margo claimed a little too loudly not to care about. Should we stoke those fires of jealousy for plot-engine purposes again, only much more confusingly, in keeping with Apartment 3-G 2015 style? Sure, why not!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/15

Yesterday, Past Lisa was finally on the verge of figuring out that Future Lisa is Dead Lisa, which means that today we’re cutting quickly over to … Past Les. Because remember, the most important thing about Lisa is that she died/will die, and the most important thing about her death is how it affected/will affect Les. Verb tenses get weird when time travel is involved, but some things are eternal.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/15

“Try not to make noise. The Skinner Box experiment is reaching day five, and while all of Trixie’s material needs have been met, we don’t want her knowing that other human beings exist outside her enclosure. It will mess up the data.”

Marvin, 7/29/15

Speaking of babies who should be placed into isolation chambers, Marvin is visiting a farm, I guess? Ha ha, the joke is that Marvin is like a disgusting, filthy animal! Sometimes I think this strip hates its title character almost as much as I do.

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Crankshaft, 7/13/15

Golf is one of those things that I simply don’t get. I don’t get the appeal of watching it or playing it. Which is fine! I certainly don’t object to anyone else enjoying themselves watching or playing it. It’s just one of those things, like S&M and Mad Men, that I’m happy so many people derive enjoyment from but that isn’t for me.

The somewhat irritating thing, though, is that, unlike S&M (but like Mad Men), a lot of people who are into golf think that everyone is into golf, that golf is a universal cultural touchstone, and that anyone who isn’t into golf is weird or suspicious. This is certainly true of syndicated newspaper comics, where golf jokes abound and presumably sail over the head of most of the children who are the ostensible targets for a lot of comics, along with non-golf-mad adults like me.

This is an overly wordy way for me to set up the fact that it took me a while to remember, based on my one or two visits to actual golf courses, that those big white spheroids are things that mark where you’re supposed to tee off or something, and the joke is that Crankshaft needs new glasses. I’m still not sure about this, actually, because I can’t figure out what to Google other than “big white spheroids that mark where you’re supposed to tee off” and that’s not producing useful results, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. But before I figured that out I was a pretty baffled as to (a) what was going on and (b) what “prescription” Crankshaft’s friend was talking about. Was it a metaphor for … testicles? Does Crankshaft need a new prescription because his testicles are all swole up, and about to hurt like someone just hit them with a golf club? Is this an old man thing? Is this what I have to look forward to as I age, testicle-wise? You can see why I’m pretty invested in the interpretation of the joke I eventually settled on.

Beetle Bailey, 7/13/15

With gay people now allowed to serve openly in America’s military, the transgressive thrill is gone from Beetle and Sarge’s relationship, and Beetle has moved on to something new that makes him feel sexy and dangerous: bed-fucking.

Family Circus, 7/13/15

I don’t know what I find funnier here: how irritated Big Daddy Keane looks or how smug Billy looks. You kids won’t be smirking once your dad narcs you out to LucasFilm and you find yourself on the receiving end of a massive trademark infringement lawsuit!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/13/15

Life is violent and uncertain! You could die horribly at any moment! Why not reveal your repressed erotic feelings to the ones you love the most? There’s no time left to lose!

Lockhorns, 7/13/15

Please tell me there’s literally a line of greeting cards you can send to your enemies where you wish the eternal damnation of divine punishment upon them! “Some theologians say that the true torture in hell is separation from God/ Well here’s God/ and here’s you/ Look how far away you are/ Writhe in the eternal darkness/ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”

Marvin, 7/13/15

I was going to question the credentials of a doctor who goes around wearing bunny ears, but this guy seems to believe that Marvin has a severe and possibly fatal medical condition, so let’s hear what he has to say!

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/26/15

Oh, look, it’s “jack-and-jill (v)”, another made-up phrase that nobody will ever use from the strip that brought you “Lewis-and-Clarking,” “Nordic,” and “solo car date!” This one really ups the ante, in the sense that a character is summoned forth from the narrative ether and brought on-panel to say it after having terribly injured himself.

Crock, 6/26/15

Attention cartoonists everywhere: the era when a sentence could be deemed a punchline just because it included the phrase “cell phone” was extremely brief and ended more than a decade ago! Please make a note of it.

Heathcliff, 6/26/15

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize this isn’t just garden-variety Heathcliff irritating whimsy, but a terrible play on words: the genie created jeans, get it? Get it? GET IT??? Based on the numb expression on the genie’s face, he’s as disgusted by it as I am.

Marvin, 6/26/15

“Yes, that’s right lady,” thinks Marvin’s mom slyly in panel three, “my husband is completely unfuckable.”

Crankshaft, 6/26/15

YES

CRANKSHAFT AND HIS BUDDIES ARE GOING TO BE ARRESTED FOR POLITICAL CRIMES AND CONVICTED IN A PUBLIC SHOW TRIAL

THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIIIIIFE