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Marvin, 3/8/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin holds his grandmother and her affection for him in contempt, but pretends he loves her because he wants cookies! You know what, maybe go back to the poop jokes, they’re less grim.

Dennis the Menace, 3/8/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dennis almost got this baby killed! The real menace is whoever just dropped this toddler off at the Mitchells’ house and then took off into the night, along with Dennis’s parents.

Crankshaft, 3/8/15

This is the kind of Daylight Savings Crankshaft enjoys! The other kind, the kind that the U.N. cooked up to weaken American vitality and sap our precious bodily fluids — that kind he’s not a big fan of.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/8/15

Ha ha, environmentalists, amiright? Always trying to save nature, despite the fact that nature is evil and must be destroyed!

Panel from the Lockorns, 3/8/15

If there’s one thing Leroy has learned from his many years on this Earth, it’s that life is terrible and death is preferable in every way.

Panels from Judge Parker, 3/8/15

Are you guys ready for the Erotic Education of Neddy Spencer? Because it’s definitely happening.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/1/15

Look, I mean, she’s a witch, right? She doesn’t subscribe to your ideas of Western science and medicine, but she she has a broom that can fly. So maybe she squeezed some (presumably sapient and terrified) jellyfish over a cauldron and some liquid came out and she called it “blood,” incorrectly! The woman has powers. I would definitely pay good money for her immortality serum.

Marvin, 3/1/15

no

NO

do NOT let Marvin know that urine can be used as a communications method

for the love of all that’s holy

Family Circus, 3/1/15

In retrospect, letting the Keane Kids watch A Clockwork Orange turned out to be a mistake on a number of levels.

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Mark Trail, 2/12/15

Hey, guys, remember back in October when Mark and Cherry got in some weird out-of-context longbow practice? Well, consider today to be context: provided. You could say there’ve been two Chekov’s Bow and Arrow Sets in this storyline: the first one placed on the metaphorical wall when Mark and Cherry did a little target practice back in October, and the second in panel one, when there turned out to be a bow and arrow just neatly propped up on this boat’s deck for no reason anyone has bothered or will bother to explain.

Momma, 2/12/15

How long has Abe Lincoln’s reanimated corpse been shambling among the living? At least since 1928, which was the last time he was able to pour liquid down his rotting gullet. Since then, anyone encountering this terrifying presidential zombie has presumably fled from him, screaming, in those few times when he stumbled into the light. Only Francis and his mother are caring — or foolish — enough to offer this unnatural history-golem their hospitality.

Crankshaft, 2/12/15

I’ve spent the maximum amount of time my own sense of dignity allows me to spend trying to parse a joke out of this Crankshaft and have concluded that … there really isn’t one? That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it, though. If you don’t like seeing a slouching, sad-faced Ed Crankshaft admitting to his daughter that he’s slowly dying, you and I are very different people.

Marvin, 2/12/15

I know what the joke in this strip is, though! I guessed it right away! The joke is that Marvin smells like feces, all the time, and everybody knows it.