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Pluggers, 1/12/22

At long last, we get an answer to the eternal “what is a plugger?” question, and it’s this: a plugger is anyone who isn’t afflicted with total anhedonia. Have you ever experienced even the faintest glimmer of pleasure? Then I regret to inform you that you are in fact a plugger, my friend. This is good news for at least a few of you, so it’s too bad you can’t really enjoy it.

Mary Worth, 1/12/22

Speaking of enjoying things: hell yes this has been recorded by security cameras, which means everyone in Santa Royale will in fact be able to see Wilbur take a header into the ocean when the footage is inevitably leaked to YouTube. I’m imagining Ian Cameron in particular chortling manfully as he watches it over and over again. In other news, it turns out that if you want to get onto the bridge of a cruise ship and see all the cool stuff they have going on up there, all you have to do is tell the crew that “My boyfriend, he, uh, he got real mad and wandered off, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket.”

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Mary Worth, 1/11/22

I’ve been to Rome twice in my life, in 1999 and 2002, and by an odd coincidence both visits were at the same time as big events for the veneration of Padre Pio, an early 20th century Franciscan mystic. During his life, Pio claimed (or had claimed about him) all sorts of miraculous powers, such as the ability miraculously cure the sick and be in two places at once, and he also supposedly had spontaneously generated stigmata wounds on his hands. The church hierarchy was very uncomfortable about all this as his reputation and following grew, repeatedly forbidding him from preaching; but after his death, the church began to acknowledge his deeds, and he was beatified during my first visit to Rome and canonized during my second, which meant that both times the city was thronged with Pio’s followers. The experience really stuck with me, and made me think about how as a miracle worker he was disruptive and dangerous to the church while alive — after all, why would this simple monk have these powers, and not the bishops and cardinals who control the church? — but after his death he could be integrated into the larger church narrative about God and humanity and the church’s role in mediating between the two.

Anyway, my point is that you can already see Wilbur, so irritating to everyone while alive, beginning to follow this trajectory now that he has followed another, more literal trajectory into the ocean and his (fingers crossed!) death. Wilbur isn’t being actively obnoxious in her face at this precise moment, so Estelle is allowing herself to indulge in the fantasy that they were “in love” or whatever. Maybe by the time the search for his body is abandoned and the ship return to shore, she’ll be telling everyone she accepted his proposal so she’s really a grieving fiancee! Whatever you need to move on to your new, brighter, Wilbur-free future, we’re all here for you, Estelle.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/11/22

Wow, it’s really too bad Sarah decided to use “Doggy” as her new character in the Kitty Kop Extended Universe and not “FOOT.” If she had gone the latter route, her work would’ve attracted a lot more perverts, but also a lot fewer lawsuits, which on balance would probably be for the better.

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Mary Worth, 1/9/22

Oh, hey, so, uh, Wilbur died, everybody! Wilbur … died? I mean, maybe he didn’t die, I have a hard time believing they’re killing off Wilbur, but, uh, probably in real life, this would result in his death, right? You might recall that back in 2012 Wilbur already stared death in the face from the deck of a cruise ship, and later declared, correctly, that he shouldn’t be alive, so it’s possible that for the entire last decade every last one of us has been living through his Final Destination scenario, which would explain [gestures around vaguely] a LOT. Anyway, I guess his gradual shift from “Charterstone’s lovable loser” to “the least pleasant person you’ve ever met or even heard of” over the past few years was meant to prepare us for this moment, and while it may be premature to write him off just yet, I’m still starting a GoFundMe to pay Sir Elton John to do an updated version of “Candle In The Wind” for our boy.

Marvin, 1/9/22

In other death and dying news, Jenny has left her awful son out alone in the yard to freeze to death and is planning to flee to the tropics and start a new life, a plan her husband is being remarkably dense about.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/22

I guess nobody is going to die in Rex Mogan, M.D., but if Rene successfully sues the Morgans into oblivion for actual intellectual property theft, Rex might have to start living like a common poor person and that’d be worse than death, right?