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Mary Worth, 6/21/22

One of the minor world-building things in the Star Wars movies that has always bothered me is how languages work. The humans speak English with each other (side note: I’m sure there are specific in-universe Star Wars terms for “humans” and “English” but I absolutely refuse to look them up); some of the droids and aliens (ditto in-universe Star Wars term for “alien”) also speak English, but then some of the aliens and droids speak gibberish and beep-boop, respectively, but humans can understand them and they can understand humans; yet other times, English and gibberish/beep-boop speakers can’t understand each other, and C3PO or whoever needs to translate. Also, sometimes the gibberish gets subtitles and sometimes it doesn’t, but I think that’s a narrative choice that isn’t meant to represent anything in-universe.

Anyway, my point is that it’s kind of interesting to see Jared addressing his cat as “Mister Solo” and the cat responding in what might as well be alien gibberish that he appears/pretends to understand, which makes me think it would be fun to do an alternate dub of the Star Wars cross-language scenes where the aliens are speaking in English and humans like Han Solo are speaking in gibberish. Thinking about this has both expanded my mind about how communication works in real life vs. fiction, and a franchise that despite its missteps I still have a lot of affection for, and has distracted me from the actual content of this storyline, which is “My boyfriend put me in the hospital but the PA who tended to my injuries was so nice I got horny for him and am going to break up his relationship.”

Dustin, 6/21/22

Speaking of unpleasant horniness, there are a lot of Dustins where Dustin tries and fails to pick up women, but honestly they really just feel like he’s going through the motions — he’s doing it because he thinks he’s supposed to, not driven by any particular romantic or sexual desire. Sadly, our first real encounter with Dustin’s sexuality occurs today, and it takes the form of him talking to his father about how sure, ballet is for nerds, but at least you get to see a bunch of sexy gals in tight-fitting clothes, eh? Eh? You can sit there in your tuxedo with a boner, thinking about banging a ballerina? There are no good Dustin characters, is what I’m saying, and you can sympathize with Dustin for being the strip’s strawman terrible young person character while acknowledging that he is also terrible in every other capacity as well.

Curtis, 6/21/22

Speaking of unpleasant horniness, is June the official month for accidentally walking in on middle-aged dudes in the shower? Like, did a memo go out about it? Will this memo be used at a future civil trial for emotional distress, hopefully?

Beetle Bailey, 6/21/22

But …… it’s not a false alarm at all? Because he is not, in fact, wearing a hat? Perms don’t go “over” hats? That’s now how perms work????? Honestly, we make fun of the Camp Swampy soldiers for never actually being deployed into combat, but I feel like not knowing what “false alarm” means illustrates just what a liability in wartime they would be.

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Dustin, 6/19/22

Earlier this year, my faithful readers were treated to what I assume was an enlightening etymological journey in which they learned that the phrase “the bucket list,” far from being some longstanding cliche in the English language, was actually dreamed up by the screenwriter for the 2007 film of the same name. It’s therefore interesting to note that despite the phrase’s recency, many people who use it seem to forget that the “bucket” part comes from “kicking the bucket,” and treat it as a generic “list of things you want to do someday,” rather than what it actually is supposed to be, which is a specific “list of things you want to do before you die, an event which you suspect might occur sooner rather than later.” Anyway, my point is that the Dustin creative team seems to fall into this category, and also the category of people who think it’s hilarious if an item on someone’s “bucket list” involves an actual bucket, or a thing like a basketball hoop that’s close enough. Either that or Dustin’s eight-year-old friend is actually dying, in a storyline that I guarantee will jerk exactly zero tears since nobody is emotionally involved in the comic strip Dustin or any of its characters, but it would explain why this kid seems to think he needs to do a slam dunk now rather than just waiting to get taller.

Mary Worth, 6/19/22

Imagine if you had been subject to abuse from your intimate partner so violent that it landed you in the hospital, where you spent the night being cared for by a sensitive physician’s assistant, and the next day, as you’re leaving, you screw up your courage and ask him out on a date. If you discovered at that point that he had a girlfriend, it would — and I am not exaggerating here — be one of the best things that could’ve happened to you in that scenario. Girl, you need some time on your own and this guy has weird control issues, do not answer the phone when he inevitably calls you!!!

Dick Tracy, 6/19/22

Oh, huh, looks like Dick’s plan to sleuth out Mr. Memory’s location has been short circuited by the fact that Mr. Memory is enjoying a pleasant dinner with the Plentys, Dick’s son’s parents-in-law. Mostly I’m posting this on the off chance that Dick is about to have his face gouged off by an owl and I didn’t want you to miss it.

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Gil Thorp, 6/15/22

“Look, I’m only asking this because one of my dumb students put me up to it, but: were you guys in the mob or what? It’s ok, you can tell me. I’m not in the mob. I asked to join, but they said no. I didn’t want to do crimes or anything, they just seemed like cool guys to hang out with, from all the movies and everything.”

Mary Worth, 6/15/22

Folks, you know — you know — that I am Mary Worth lifer at this point. Even before the day I first brought the phrase “Wilbur makes an overture” to the world’s attention (the overture, FYI, was to Iris, a romance storyline that began in the year of our lord 2004), I was all in, and remain entirely tangled with this strip on a personal, emotional, and frankly professional level. But the thing is, when they know you need them, they can go to some pretty out-there places, because they know you have no choice to go there with them. Like “Dawn’s boyfriend is going to dump her for a domestic violence victim he met while he was one of her caregivers at the hospital, because they both named their cats after Star Wars characters, also Dawn is out clubbing with random dudes but he doesn’t know and that doesn’t figure into his calculus.” Pretty grim stuff, man! But I’ve got no other options now. I’ve gotta ride this one as far down as it goes.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/15/22

“Oh, and I also did a bunch of extremely illegal things that they’re gonna put me in prison for. That’s gonna put a crimp in my whole crime-fighting career as well, I guess.”