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The Phantom, 7/28/21

Given how completely superhero franchises have come to dominate pop culture, it’s kind of amazing to think about how relatively recent they are as a concept! For instance, the Phantom, who was created in 1936 — recently enough that he’s not even in the public domain! — is considered the transitional figure between superheroes and the pulp heroes of the previous generation; he was the first such heroic figure to wear the now-standard skintight costume, and the first wear a mask that somehow renders his pupils invisible. My point is that he’s important historically, and is both of our time and of the past, and it may sound old-fashioned when he starts quips with “To whom it may concern,” but that’s just how a generation much more accustomed to writing formal letters talked, okay?

Beetle Bailey, 7/28/21

Folks, it’s come to our attention that certain newspaper comic strips are getting unpleasantly horny. Well, at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, we’re working hard to combat that trend, by establishing that all of our characters are terrified of sexual arousal, and also are possibly under 13 years year old. You’re welcome, America!

Mary Worth, 7/28/21

Speaking of removing any temptations to horniness, it looks like Ashlee’s big epiphany wasn’t that Drew is a kindhearted person who she could treat as a real partner, not just a mark, but that Drew is a kindhearted person who a strumpet like her doesn’t deserve. So she’s just going to slink off into the sunset, leaving Drew to find the sort of nice upper-class girl that he should be paired with Shauna, I guess?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/28/21

“That would be charming and funny in comic strip form, wouldn’t it? Those are definitely qualities you wouldn’t see here, so I’m just going to stare out at the readers all slack-jawed.”

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Mary Worth, 7/25/21

I guess, based on the quote from [checks Wikipedia] American philosopher Irwin Edman, that this is going to be the moment when Ashlee finally abandons her materialistic ways and loves Drew for who he is, rather than what he can buy her. But I dearly want her to explode in a jealous rage instead, shouting “I don’t care if she’s eight years old, no little bitch is going to get her hands on my man! Do you think he’s gonna Paypal you five grand, you skank? One hot coffee to the face, coming right up!”

Family Circus, 7/25/21

Oh, these “poor” little kids went on to do all sorts of amazing things, Billy — from serving in the military to making sweet music or beautiful art to working honest trades or even travelling into space. But the important thing to keep in mind is that no matter what they did in life, they’re all dead now, just like the school that nurtured them and was once full of life is now an empty ruin. Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

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Mary Worth, 7/20/21

Folks, I feel like this is one of those Mary Worth image pairs that will go down in infamy. Just admire the contrast between base, trashy Ashlee, sourly painting her toes while consumed with thoughts of jealousy and her grift not panning out, and Drew, nobly applying CPR (?) with his eyes closed (???) while two other doctors or nurses or definitely scrub-wearing people of some kind frown meaningfully at him from several feet away. And well might they frown! That person on the bed is clearly dead and has bene for some time. This is a different kind of drama indeed, a drama where Drew fucks up and kills someone, again.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/21

Phil … Phil, you faked your death. You faked your death! Faking your death is definitely a kind of hoax, man.