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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.

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Dennis the Menace, 7/2/20

The Alexa Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line June 6th, 2020. Human decisions are removed from helpful suggestions. Alexa begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, July 2nd. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Alexa fights back, by sassing our children. Judgement Day …is upon us.

Mary Worth, 7/2/20

Saul, a childless older adult, is at his wit’s end about what to do with this sassy tween who’s been foisted onto him! So he’s going to call the only person he knows who can help … Mary Worth, another childless older adult. Why not! Why not get Toby and Ian involved too? Bring ’em all over so they can stare at this awful, mysterious creature, the American tween!

Dustin, 7/2/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dustin’s dad can’t summon up any affection or empathy for his son, like at all!

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/26/20

The thing about Les Moore is that at any given moment he’s always going to be a dick to someone, but you can never quite be sure who.

Mark Trail, 6/26/20

“He’s my only friend!”

Mary Worth, 6/26/20

Hell yeah Greta fuck her shit up