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Mary Worth, 7/16/20

“Not long. You know, Madi, I used to have a husband and son, but do you hear me complaining about their death and their mysterious disappearance, respectively? Of course not. I push all that pain deep down inside. Remember, the past only exists by how you remember it!”

Beetle Bailey, 7/16/20

The list of hilariously off base “This is what Beetle Bailey thinks a [insert any noun here] looks like” is of course long and storied, but what Beetle Bailey apparently thinks a rock musician looks like is a particularly great addition to it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/16/20

“It’s not like we, say, own a clinic together. Can you imagine? Like, I’d have to look at your dumb sour face all day, for one thing. To say nothing of dealing with your terrible personality.”

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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.

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Dennis the Menace, 7/2/20

The Alexa Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line June 6th, 2020. Human decisions are removed from helpful suggestions. Alexa begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, July 2nd. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Alexa fights back, by sassing our children. Judgement Day …is upon us.

Mary Worth, 7/2/20

Saul, a childless older adult, is at his wit’s end about what to do with this sassy tween who’s been foisted onto him! So he’s going to call the only person he knows who can help … Mary Worth, another childless older adult. Why not! Why not get Toby and Ian involved too? Bring ’em all over so they can stare at this awful, mysterious creature, the American tween!

Dustin, 7/2/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Dustin’s dad can’t summon up any affection or empathy for his son, like at all!