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Mary Worth, 4/30/20

Ha ha, well isn’t this … incredibly convenient, for everybody! Remember back a few months ago, when Hugo was going to leave town and Dawn was devastated, just devastated, and, after feigning nonchalance, Hugo ended up feeling just as strongly about her, running back from the airport to be with her and deciding to give a long-distance relationship a shot? Welp, it seems that all was based on a wild misunderstanding of their own emotions: turns out they were just horny, and now that they’ve found more convenient people to do sex on, they can cheerfully move forward with their separate lives, with no hard feelings or tough questions like “Hey, wait, if I hadn’t said anything, when were you planning on telling me about this chick in Paris?”

Hi and Lois, 4/30/20

Big news: thanks to advanced DNA analysis, police have arrested a suspect in the so-called Chomping Murders, and it’s Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. This is of course shocking to all his young fans, but the important thing is that this menace is now behind bars, and the families of the victims will begin to find closure.

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Mary Worth, 4/21/20

OK, I’m sorry, I hereby declare Hugo a fake French geek boy. Sure, one minute he’s sneering at America’s finest Broadway offerings, but the next he’s shouting “Gosh! I’m looking at a very big city from very high up!” like a rube from the sticks, when he should be sneering about how the Eiffel Tower is infinitely more daring aesthetically than this bland, glass-plated contemporary monolith. Say what you will about Jared being a Star Wars-addled nerdlinger, but at least he fully commits to the bit.

Gasoline Alley, 4/21/20

Ah, a song specifically about how urban modernity is more attractive both culturally and economically to most people than agricultural life! This is a great choice for a campaign theme, just not for the reasons they think.

Hi and Lois, 4/21/20

Hey, have you been wondering how the Flagstons are doing financially this year? Well, it turns out: not great!

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Mary Worth, 4/18/20

OK, I’m sorry, I’ve been willing to indulge Hugo’s cartoonish Francophilia, but did he really say that Hamilton, America’s most beloved cultural product of the last decade, isn’t as good as some tired-ass cabaret show that’s been running for more than 20 years at a venue that caters strictly to tourists and nostalgists? This will not stand, monsieur. This means war.

Judge Parker, 4/18/20

“We’re all gonna touch each other and stand in each other’s personal space and breathe into each other’s faces and give each other Covid-19! It’s gonna be a blast!”

Six Chix, 4/18/20

Big news, everybody: aliens are real and they’re horny as hell