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Beetle Bailey, 9/5/19

I was about to say “Guys, you’re in the army” but … honestly, I can’t decide if that’s actually the joke or not? Like, literally one of the defining features of Beetle Bailey is that with many of their strips it’s hard to tell whether they’re making a sardonic commentary on the armed forces or militarism in general, or if they’ve literally forgotten the comic’s setting.

Blondie, 9/5/19

Ha ha, you guys heard about texting? Been pretty omnipresent for a solid decade or so? The teens love it, because they’ve never known a world without it? Texting! Pretty funny, huh????

Mary Worth, 9/5/19

“Maybe not for you, the person I want to be in a long-distance relationship, but … wait, I forgot where I was going with this.”

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Gil Thorp, 9/3/19

Folks, I want you to cast your mind back to the year 2007, a much simpler and more innocent time, when we first saw Coach Thorp announcing the football team’s starters in front of what seemed to be a conflagration of some kind. This was the Milford bonfire, and it became an annual event. In 2008 the kids were throwing up devil horns in honor of the hellish inferno. 2009? Pumping fists. In 2010 the players started giving speeches, in 2011 the column of fire rose into the sky, and in 2012 Gil declared the bonfire was the only fire in the world, a symbol of the fire that burns inside each of us. In 2013 innocent cheerleaders were sacrificed to the flames, and in 2014 a dude named Jarrod, who would go on to lose the starting quarterback job, gave a wild-eyed speech as the fire burned. The guy who took Jarrod’s place led the Mudlarks to their first championship in years, and the next fall began with a fiery victory celebration.

And then … for four long years … nothing. The bonfire vanished from Mudlark lore without a trace, and it seemed like only I was keeping the flame alive, so to speak. I had given up hope on ever lay eyes on a Milford bonfire again, so you can imagine how happy I felt to see the smoke starting to rise from that woodpile in panel three. We’re seeing it just as it’s about to burst into flame! And sure, “Toast Oakwood” and “Fire It Up” are extremely cheesy signs, but you know what? None of these kids were even around in 2015. They’re having to reconstruct this tradition from whispered tales of times past. It’s gonna take them a year or two to get back in the groove.

Mary Worth, 9/3/19

Oh, Dawn. Oh, dumb, dumb, lovestruck, horny Dawn. There’s only one thing Hugo’s been telegraphing more obviously than the fact that he sees your romance as nothing more than a summer fling, and it’s that he thinks America is lame. It’s like you don’t want us to feel even a little sorry for you.

Crankshaft, 9/3/19

Ha ha! But seriously, folks, Crankshaft has never been in love. He’s simply not capable of it!

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Six Chix, 9/2/19

I am not comfortable with the whimsical, knowing look the lady on the right is giving us in this panel. Combined with her weirdly phrased dialogue, it makes the whole thing fairly sinister, to be honest! “Hee hee, our picnic has been [a odd chittering undertone, almost impossible to hear, is in her voice for the following word] selected by the marching ants! Will they march us into their underground city? Will their tiny chitinous legs sweep over our naked bodies, down there in the dark, until we no longer feel them individually, until they just feel like a swift, running stream? Will eventually our minds, our very selves, be dissolved into their collective consciousness erasing us but somehow making us something greater than we could’ve ever imagined? Who knows how our picnic will be [voice suddenly drops five octaves] TRANSFORMED”

Mary Worth, 9/2/19

Oh my God, has anxious Dawn postponed the “what are we doing with this relationship” conversation with Hugo to the drive to the airport? This is simultaneously absolutely hilarious and also so relatable to me personally that it makes my stomach hurt, almost as much as Dawn’s stomach is hurting right now.

Mark Trail, 9/2/19

Wow, looks like the private equity fund that bought Woods and Wildlife after its corporate parent went bankrupt has come up with a new strategy to juice pageviews, and it’s “Find (and, if possible, kill) animals that don’t actually exist.” Now, most people are reading this strip and thinking “HOLY COW MARK TRAIL IS GONNA PUNCH THE BEARD OFF A HIMALAYAN CRYPTID” but I’m much more interested in Dr. Camel. He’s a camel with a Ph.D.!!!!