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Gil Thorp, 5/18/20

Oh, wow, it turns out Mike “The Mayor” hasn’t just been suspended or kicked off the team for his knifecrime; he’s been expelled from school, which has him understandably soured on the American education system! Still, I don’t like the sneering way he labels a woman who I assume is his mom as a mere “real estate appraiser” unfit to deliver insights into Southern Gothic literature or whatever. You can learn a lot from a real estate appraiser! Obviously they use a lot of applied math in their job, and they’re mostly independent small business people with a lot of practical knowledge of what that entails. They also are pretty attuned to the nuances of the real estate market, and how it’s connected to both macroeconomic and socioeconomic conditions — and because they go inside a lot of people’s homes while they’re still living in them, they can tell you quite a bit about the diversity of human private lives. That’s gotta be good for, what, a week or two of home-schooling, until Gil grandstands at a school board meeting and Mike’s back in class, stabbing whoever he wants?

Dennis the Menace, 5/18/20

The gap between “Margaret has a weird romantic obsession with Dennis” and “All the things that are ‘annoying’ about Margaret are actually future marketable skills, whereas all the things that are annoying about Dennis are actually annoying” has never been greater than it is today. Margaret is sitting there with a Bluetooth headset and a laptop because, I assume, she has an actual white-collar job now, whereas Dennis isn’t even making a joke here, he’s just painfully stupid. Painfully stupid. And by Margaret’s face, she may have finally wised up.

Mary Worth, 5/18/20

“No resistance on his part? Or did he stay behind enemy lines, plotting with confederates, importing weapons with the help of British spies, occasionally assassinating Gestapo officers, and preparing for the day when the rest of the Allies and an army of colonial troops would arrive on his shores, and your relationship would once again be liberated from the boche, who I guess is Jared, in this scenario?

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Dustin, 5/16/20

Ugh, I spent way too much time trying to figure out what the context for this even is. Like, she met him at the Dollar Store, where she was disgusted by his economic prospects, and then she … agreed to go on a date with him? Invited him to this party, or perhaps accepted an invite to the same? Happened to run into him at a party and took the opportunity to talk smack about him within what is clearly earshot? Damn it I need the backstory here

Mary Worth, 5/16/20

We must truly be at the final, blessed end of the Dawn-Jared story, because we’re being shown the pinnacle of romantic love in the Worthiverse: Dr. Jeff and Mary, a happy, devoted couple, if you forget all the times that Mary rejected his marriage proposals, or the time Mary put the moves on a local city councilman at his own mother’s funeral, or the time she almost up and moved to New York to live with her handsome Broadway crush, or the time she conveniently forgot Jeff was allergic to cats. Truly, Dawn and Jared have such bliss to aspire to!

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The Phantom, 5/14/20

The current Phantom poaching storyline has been boring enough that I haven’t covered it on this blog, at all, but if you think I’m going to not comment about a grinning guy sawing a lion heart in half in the daily newspaper, you’ve got another thing coming! Anyway, basically the plot was that an evil American poacher wounded a lion but didn’t pursue it to kill it, because he was a coward in addition to being evil, and so after the Ghost Who Saws Lion Hearts In Half handed over the poacher to Llongo Justice, he tracked down the wounded lion to put it out of its misery. And, well, you know, hunting lions is bad, but if things have come together in such a way that you have to a hunt a lion, for the lion’s sake, then you might as well cut the lion’s heart in half and feed part to your semi-tame wolf, right? Go ahead and saw it in half! It’s A-OK, in this fairly contrived scenario!

Mary Worth, 5/14/20

Nothing much to say about today’s Mary Worth except holy cow check out Jared’s absolute piece of shit car! I love that even though he’s the “winner” in his battle for Dawn’s affections, the strip wants to be very clear that his life is still sad and pathetic. Is that … duct tape? Are those two relatively small pieces of duct tape all that’s keeping the hood from flying open, which will presumably result in Jared veering wildly off the road and killing them both? Let’s hope!

Pluggers, 5/14/20

So you better not tell them to do it or they’ll stop doing it just to spite you and prove you’re not the boss of them, they don’t care how good an idea it is or how many people they kill