Post Content

Mary Worth, 3/12/18

So, uh, yep, it looks like we really are moving on from Mary’s muffins vs. Ted the sex creep to … Dawn’s own weird inappropriate not-relationship with some dude! You will of course remember Harlan as Dawn’s substitue art history prof, who invited her to a one-on-one yoga session at his apartment but they definitely weren’t having sex, despite all the prying questions from Wilbur and Dawn’s mean friends. Sure, sometimes they get all dressed up and go dancing, and now he’s going to take her to Europe, where the art is even more erotic than it is in America, but they’re just friends, OK? I mean, obviously Dawn wants to give Italy another go, since last time she had just gotten dumped so all she could think about was her ex’s dick, and then she almost drowned. Let her live a little, Wilbur!

The Phantom, 3/11/18

Speaking of art, our hero in The Phantom is visiting his daughter at her fancy New York boarding school and the whole family is visiting the Met, and shoutout to the artist for reproducing this room with uncanny accuracy (the Portrait of Madame X was the tip-off for me). Anyway, the Ghost Who Takes In Some Culture While He’s In Town is mad because his daughter’s best friend is the daughter of his current archnemesis, the murderous Nomad, and, yeah, it’s a good question of how Heloise is going to feel about it, but how’s Kadia going to feel about it? Her best friend’s dad is a jungle-dwelling fraud who keeps the natives of southeast Africa in terror of his legend, all the while hoarding wealth and local cultural riches! Actually, never mind, that sounds exactly like what you’d expect from the parents of your friends at a fancy boarding school.

Post Content

Blondie, 3/11/18

I was going to say that this reads like someone who’s never worked in an office making jokes about what working in an office is like based on things they’ve read or seen on TV, but then I thought about “Yeah, this water won’t drink itself!” and now I think it’s someone who’s never spoken to another human being making jokes about things human beings say based on what they’ve read or seen on TV.

Mary Worth, 3/11/18

Soooo, this strip has the distinct vibe of wrapping up this storyline, and if that’s the case all I can say is wow. If there’s a lesson we’re supposed to learn here, I guess it’s that if you try to use your skills for profit, you’re a whore and you’ll be treated like one, so the best course of action is to dedicate yourself to God and His representatives on Earth, and also not ever tell anybody about the time some guy tried to rape you because who’d be interested anyhow?

Dennis the Menace, 3/11/18

Not sure what’s more menacing: that Mr. Wilson is going to teach Dennis phrases that signal solidarity with bigots without being overtly racist, or that he’s going to trick him into summoning a vast pack of hungry dogs who will devour him.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 3/7/18

Mary has tossed Ted Miller and his unpleasantness down the memory hole, and it seems that none of her supposed friends are going to really press too hard to get to the bottom of what happened. Certainly not Toby! Toby frankly doesn’t care about Ted Miller, who she can barely be bothered to remember as “Jeff’s friend.” Toby doesn’t care about anything that’s not a delicious muffin. “I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” she says dreamily, staring at the muffin in her hand with an expression of erotic languor that Ian has never seen over the entire duration of their marriage, not even once.

Shoe, 3/7/18

I’m pretty sure in Treetops the vultures are generally depicted as owning the town mortuary? This guy has a different name — “Dooley” instead of “Mort” — but it’s enough to establish that the corrupt Senator Belfrey is in the pocket of Big Death.

Dennis the Menace, 3/7/18

Usually Dennis’s parents are nothing but embarrassed when he perpetrates his menacing antics in front of other adults, but today they seems slyly pleased as he wreaks havoc all over the fancy tablecloth at this snooty restaurant. Maybe they’ve decided to weaponize their son’s bad behavior to strike a blow in the ever-running battle between snobs and slobs? “These assholes are gonna make people put on ties and they aren’t even really French?” the Mitchells think. “Fuck ’em.”