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Dick Tracy, 5/31/17

I freely admit that I don’t understand even a little what exactly Dick Tracy is doing with this “the Margies are all named Margie and it’s cute and they committed some mild CosplayCon grifting and also HARBOR AN UNREASONING HATRED OF THE JEWS” plot. I will say that Margie’s “I know how your people work, Catchem,” doesn’t ring true to me. First of all, everyone knows it’s “you people,” and second of all, most anti-Semites who “know how you people work” would probably assume that the sinister Jews are pulling the strings from behind the scenes, probably in a bank somewhere, rather than getting their hands dirty as beat cops. And yet isn’t that just any despised minority’s dilemma? Nothing will be good enough for those who hate you. Sam Catchem wanted so badly to be accepted as an ordinary Neo-Chicago police officer that he dresses like a damn leprechaun, for God’s sake, and still he catches this kind of abuse from the Margies of the world.

Hi and Lois, 5/31/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because depression is quite common amongst older people, especially if, like Mr. Wavering, they don’t have a partner, but Trixie is too naive to understand this!

Mary Worth, 5/31/17

I know we’re pretty deeply committed to the Katie-Derek-Esmé love triangle plot right now, but, you know, if Toby were to accidentally purchase a cursèd Mayan artifact as a souvenir and bring it back to Charterstone, leaving a trail of gruesome, mysterious deaths her wake, I certainly wouldn’t object.

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Mary Worth, 5/27/17

“Oh hey,” you’re probably thinking, “what’s been going on with Entertainer Esmé’s evil seduction planning?” Well, exactly nothing, I’m sorry to say: the Haitian bathroom incident has apparently purged all thoughts of infidelity from Derek’s conscious mind, and he’s just been thought-ballooning nonstop about how he wants to smoke. Today, however his reverie has drifted away from the specific delights of sweet, sweet nicotine and towards the vague temptations of …things…, which he plans to distract himself from with a visit to one of the ship’s (multiple?) piano lounges. No doubt Entertainer Esmé will be there, this being very much part of her long game. “Oh, right!” Derek will think. “The cigarettes were just a metaphor for the forbidden, like sex stuff with non-wife ladies.”

Blondie, 5/27/17

MORE LIKE HE’S A LITTLE BIT AWARE THAT IT’S SUPER WEIRD FOR A YOUNG CHILD TO HAVE A TIGHT FRIENDSHIP WITH AN ADULT MAN WHO ISN’T THE FATHER OF KIDS HIS AGE, ELMO

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Mary Worth, 5/22/17

Oh, did you think that Entertainer Esmé’s sinister plan to win Derek’s love by locking his wife Katie in a Haitian bathroom failed just because Derek quickly found and rescued her? Well, you’ve got another thing coming! Look at the sinister, knowing way she’s gazing down at the grateful but rattled Hoosiers. Obviously she never expected Katie to stay in that bathroom for long. Obviously that was just the first move in a very long game of sexual chess that ends with Derek as her lover. I remain extremely here for this storyline, is what I’m saying.

Marvin, 5/22/17

I don’t really keep up with the “game show scene” so I had to actually Google to see if Can You Top This? were a real game show. It’s not, unless you want to count an “unrehearsed” “radio panel game” from the 1940’s “in which comedians told jokes and tried to top one another”, which, around here we call that a podcast, not a game show. Anyway, it took me a minute to realize that, unlike poor Bubba Watson, Drew Carey isn’t quite being referred to by name here, which makes sense because you’d think drawing a public figure presiding over a game show where dead-eyed contestants describe getting hit in the face with streams of urine would open you up to lawsuits.

Blondie, 5/22/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Mr. Dithers’s wife doesn’t want to spend time with him!

Pluggers, 5/22/17

Pluggers’ day-to-day lives involve coming up with coping strategies as their accumulated filth piles up around them. It’s really quite sad!