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Dick Tracy, 2/21/17

Ugh, OK, fine, Dick didn’t just shoot the Brush in the face, like I thought yesterday. But on the bright side, if you’re just tuning in and don’t know what the deal is with his freaky hair, you might think he just got his face blown off?

Rex Morgan, 2/21/17

Hey, let’s get re-invested in what’s going on in Rex Morgan, M.D.! [sees today’s strip is about an old man settling in to take a nap on a plane] Let’s get re-invested in what’s going on in Rex Morgan, M.D., in, like, a month or two, maybe!

Spider-Man, 2/21/17

Rocket’s been walking around on his hind legs this whole time, so strictly speaking it seems pretty clear that Ronan, the Accuser doesn’t know what a quadruped is, actually.

Mary Worth, 2/21/17

Oh, man, Mary’s going to take Iris on a magical journey to show what the world will be like if she and Zak had never met. It’ll be like It’s A Wonderful Life! Alternate-universe Santa Royale will be pretty much the same, of course; the main difference is that alternate-universe Iris still won’t know what an orgasm is.

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Mary Worth and Judge Parker, 2/15/17

It’s interesting to me that the stereotypical, cartoonish drawing of tears has them coming out of the outer corners of your eyes, when human anatomy ensures that they’re much more likely to come out by our noses in real life. That’s how we know that Iris, with her messy, confusing motivations and emotions, is fully, gloriously human, and “Sophie” actually died in that car wreck and had her brain implanted into an android duplicate by her mysterious kidnapper. Her mysterious kidnapper who … she is maybe talking about today, for the first time? Her programming is malfunctioning!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/15/17

Haha, so, yesterday I joked about how the DMV was going to murder Funky, but today it’s like … it’s going to happen, and he wants them to do it. He’s egging them on. Last week he made his peace with death and now he wants it over with. This is suicide by cop, except it’s suicide by low-level bureaucrat and awful, awful wordplay.

Family Circus, 2/15/17

OH NO JEFFY KILLED A BUSINESS MAN AND RITUALLY STRIPPED HIM OF HIS SACRED GARMENTS TO GAIN HIS TOTEMIC POWER

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Mary Worth, 2/14/17

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY! The romance addicts over at Mary Worth are celebrating this very special holiday of romantic love by, uh, having one of its characters bawl her eyes out because she just dumped her hot young boyfriend for no good reason. My favorite thing about this strip is that Mary counseled Iris not once but twice on this issue, coming down on the side of “Yeah, you should definitely date a hot young guy if that feels right to you,” and yet seems to have no idea who Iris might be talking about in panel one. Look, Mary is busy, OK? Mary is dealing with someone keeps writing the same letter to Ask Wendy over and over and over again; she can’t be expected to keep track of which hot young dudes her neighbors may or may not be currently fucking.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/17

Rex Morgan is still spinning a tale about selling old horror comics at Comic-Con, which, boring, but I guess the strip remembered it’s supposed to do medical stuff at least occasionally? So, here it is: red-hot dehydration action! You’ll beg for more old horror comics sales!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/14/17

Funky spent all last week at his lawyer’s office making out his will and spiraling into endless anxiety about his upcoming death. Today he learned exactly how he’s going to meet his demise: he accidentally let his driver’s license expire, so the DMV is going to murder him. Not a moment too soon, in my opinion!