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Mary Worth, 6/1/16

Guys, I’m not very good at yoga, but I’ve been doing it semi-regularly, at home with videos and in classes, for nearly a decade now, and I can assure you that the amount of yogi smack talk that happens is minimal. Also, I mean, I don’t mean to doubt the yoga prowess of mustachio’d part-time substitute art history instructor Harlan Jones, but I’ve been trying and failing to do crow pose for nearly the whole time I’ve been practicing yoga, and taraksvasana seems, like, a lot harder, so I don’t think he’s gonna master that in one night? Don’t push yourself too hard, friend! Your body is your best teacher: if you feel a sharp pain, stop, pull back, try again later! I actually dearly hope Dawn discovers Harlan’s twisted body in his apartment days from now, after he accidentally breaks his back by taraksvasanaing too vigorously, and the lesson learned is that when you make a new connection you should always abandon all your other friends to hang out with them all the time.

Family Circus, 6/1/16

I’m not really sure what Dolly is getting at here. God is enlightening us … about the nature of electricity? I’m honestly more concerned about her body language, as she seems to just be blathering soothing nonsense to him to lure him somewhere, possibly the top of a tall, metal pole.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/1/16

“And it’d be crazy if I had to kill you, to make sure that you didn’t shoot your big mouth off about this! Oh, these gun fingers? I’m making them for, uh, no reason at all.”

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Mary Worth, 5/25/16

“Look, it’s not physical at all! It’s spiritual. Like, the first time we did yoga together in his tiny little apartment, I knew he was my ‘guru,’ which means ‘teacher’ in Hindi, a language neither of us speak. So we’re not having sex, but I am a blind devotee to his every whim! Would I die for him? You bet! Kill for him? Absolutely! Have sex with him? Definitely! Have I been having sex with him already? Yeah, for like three weeks now! Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”

Dennis the Menace, 5/25/16

“How much blood must I wade through, father? How much carnage before the world is purified?”

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Slylock Fox, 5/23/16

I’m not sure what’s funnier about this scenario. Is it that the Count has the awe-inspiring capability to build incredibly lifelike androids but only uses them as decoys when he’s on the lam? Is it that Deputy Duck lassoed this machine-man while it presumably stood there whirring and grinning like a moron? Is it how darn happy Deputy Duck looks to have finally achieved something, and everyone else looks very grave, aware that his sense of accomplishment will soon vanish? No, trick question: the actual funniest thing is that Deputy Duck isn’t wearing pants.

Crankshaft, 5/23/16

Good news! Jeff didn’t get a chance to tell his mother he forgives her, which, since she definitely didn’t think she ever did anything wrong, is a scenario that definitely would have involved her mustering her last shred of strength to say something incredibly cutting and cruel that would have left him even more emotionally torn up than when he started! See, sometimes good things do happen in the Funkyverse.

Mary Worth, 5/23/16

“Incidents lead me to believe too many people are lacking in some way! Incidents, Mary! Incidents! Lacking! This is how I talk, all the time! I don’t understand why I have problems making friends!”

Pluggers, 5/23/16

Pluggers are tired. So very, very tired. When will death finally come for pluggers? When will they finally be able to sleep, forever?