Archive: Mary Worth

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Mary Worth and The Phantom, 11/9/15

Oh, dear, it looks like Mary Worth and Heloise, far from embarking on a grand adventure together, are just going to briefly chat in a cab and then go their separate ways. The Phantom strip can’t even bother to spend a whole strip on its own version of Mary and Heloise’s bland pleasantries, cutting away to two panels of the Ghost Who Walks’s elaborate and sadistic gamesmanship. Anyway, it’s good to know that the Phantom, who has a whole room full of priceless treasure and runs an actual diamond monopoly, encourages his daughter to benefit from the kindess of old ladies on fixed incomes.

Spider-Man, 11/9/15

Meanwhile, also in Manhattan, Spider-Man and Namor got into a fistfight and fell into the ocean, and MJ has decided that she’s going to save poor li’l Pharus? Somehow? Without his consent, or the consent of his guardians? I look forward to her bringing him to a doctor, who will say “Young woman, I’m not qualified to cure some kind of pointy-eared … fish … boy!” Or maybe he’ll just bust out the free samples of the new anti-pollution pills that the Pfizer rep brought over and the kid will be fine, and then Namor will feel sheepish and the conflict will be over.

You know who’s not going to be fine, though? The poor Atlantean who’s just had his life-preserving water-helmet shattered by White Lab Coat Lady over there! Sorry dude, I know you were just protecting this poor youth from the surface-monsters, but now you’re going to air-drown after being dispatched with a truly inscrutable witticism.

Dennis the Menace, 11/9/15

The year is 2047. Adult Dennis strips out of his Amazon-issued jumpsuit after completing his 19-hour shift in the vast Amazon Fulfillment Warehouse that occupies most of what was once known as “Ohio.” He nestles into his sleeping-shelf within the 100-square foot Dorm Pod that is his home; as he dims the lights, the last things he sees are the vast, mandatory portraits of Jeff Bezos that dominate each windowless wall. He thinks back to that day long ago, when he made that flippant remark to his mother about shopping — his mother had been reassigned to the Box Assembly Division somewhere in the Dakotas when he was a teenager, he hadn’t heard from her since. He began to think that maybe he had been the true menace, that day.

Gil Thorp, 11/9/15

Yeah, sure, OK, Gil wears a Milford sweatshirt to work pretty much every day, and you might think they all look the same, but he can tell them apart, OK? Mostly by the stains.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/9/15

[48 hours earlier, at the Morgans]

“Look, Rex, I’ve already signed mine. Will you just sign yours?”

“Ugh, will you stop talking if I do?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. What is this about again?”

“Do you really care?”

“I suppose not.”

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Mary Worth and The Phantom, 11/4/15

Welp, here it is, as foretold in prophecy: the Mary WorthPhantom crossover that none of us knew we wanted until we realized that we had it. Perhaps little psychic Olive will turn out to be the key in some great Phantom-style adventure, or perhaps Olive, like Shelly before her, will serve as the ostensible reason Mary went to New York but will be quickly discarded when someone more interesting comes along, in this case the cheerful, non-street-smart daughter of an immortal jungle superhero. At the moment, I’m intrigued by the fact that we’re seeing the same moment in the story, but with slightly different dialogue. Is this to emphasize, Rashomon-style, that an objective recounting of past events is impossible? In this case, what appears to be a straightforward narrative is actually a pair of later recollections: Heloise’s story is being read in the Skull Cave Chronicle Chamber by some descendant of the family in the unknowably distant future; Mary’s version is being recounted poolside at Charterstone over salmon squares to Toby, who’s been Xanax’d into sullen compliance.

Mark Trail, 11/4/15

Speaking of action-packed soap opera adventure, this current Mark Trail storyline doesn’t need to cross over with another strip to reach multiple audiences! Today, for fans of people wildly spraying automatic gunfire, we’ve got the guy wildly spraying automatic gunfire in panel one; and for fans of shapely asses, thighs, and calves, we’ve got Mark’s shapely ass, thighs, and calves in panel three.

Apartment 3-G, 11/4/15

“Gabby! This man nurtured his love for Margo during his years of recovery in a Tibetan nunnery, journeyed to New York to save her from danger that he had detected with his Buddhist mind powers, and has hovered by her bedside nonstop during her coma! Obviously his romantic interest in her is very tenuous, and any potential nagging from his beloved’s parents could push him away. For God’s sake, never ask him any follow-up questions about anything ever!”

Judge Parker, 11/4/15

Oh, hey, remember how Sophie wanted to go to military school and learn to kill, because the boy she liked was probably going to fool around with another girl at a party? Well, good news: that other girl didn’t even go to the party because she got in trouble for drugs, so Sophie’s going to stay in public school for now, explore her burgeoning teenage sexuality with a willing and now unencumbered partner, and figure out some other way to ruin the world while aggrandizing her own power at later date (probably the finance industry).

Funky Winkerbean, 11/4/15

Haha, true story: for a significant period of time after I read this strip, I thought Cory had sold the comic book collection his mother had lovingly assembled as a way to feel close to him because he needed to … buy a ring to propose to his mom? But no, I guess that’s to propose to his girlfriend or whatever, which everyone will think is perfectly OK. Remember, kids, throwing money at the wedding-industrial complex and the notoriously evil diamond industry is virtuous! Thank goodness he didn’t spend the money on a car or a house or something practical that he and Rocky might be able to use for years to come.

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The Lockhorns, 11/3/15

INT. – UNDERGROUND HACKER HQ – NIGHT

Dozens of malicious HACKERS sit around a conference table in a murkily lit room. All have laptops in front of them; banks of computer servers with blinking lights line the walls.

HACKER #1
Gentlemen, I’ve summoned you here today to present you with … some disturbing content.

HACKER #2
Please. We’re the kings of the dark web. We’ve seen and heard things that would send normal people’s minds spinning into insanity.

HACKER #1
That may be, but this is horror of a different kind. I want you to turn your attention to today’s Lockhorns.

HACKER #3
You mean the comic? From the newspaper? I didn’t know they were still making those.

HACKER #1
Please point your browsers to the “Comics Kingdom” website, where you’ll be able to find the most recent panel.

HACKER #2
But it’s a paywalled site! How can we see it without paying?

All the HACKERS laugh uproariously as they effortlessly HACK the site with a few keystrokes. Their laughter ends abruptly as they see today’s Lockhorns panel.

HACKER #2
My god.

HACKER #3
They made a “dark web” joke.

HACKER #4
In a newspaper comic strip.

HACKER #2
Does this mean…

HACKER #1
Yes. Hacking is over. Being a hacker, knowing about the dark web … it’s not cool anymore. None of it.

The hackers close their laptops and begin smashing them to bits with HAMMERS.

HACKER #3
So, anyone else have any life skills?

HACKER #2
I waited tables for a while.

HACKER #4
I can do some bookeepping.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and The Family Circus, 11/3/15

Here in the United States it’s Odd-Numbered Election Year, which is important to voters in a few states (enjoy, Louisiana!) but mostly pretty low-key. That hasn’t stopped a couple of longstanding legacy comic strips from getting political, though — specifically, from expressing outright contempt for the whole concept of electoral democracy. How did the dinosaurs come to rule the earth? Through some fair election process? Don’t be a chump. They seized control of the planet with their teeth and claws. Maybe the piddling political issues of the day can be resolved by voting, but when it comes to basic questions of species dominance, we still live in the constant war of all against all. Snuffy’s neighbors might feel smug about performing their so-called “civic duty”; but Snuffy knows he’s doing the real important work, which is preventing our planet from being overrun by fish-men.

Mary Worth and The Phantom, 11/3/15

oh

my

god

what

is

HAPPENING