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Funky Winkerbean, 7/15/15

Oh, hey, remember Crazy Harry’s dark premonition from last week? It turns out that he was remembering what everyone else apparently forgot: that when they were teens they travelled through a time pool (like a hot tub time machine, but less exciting, I guess) to the far-off future of 2015! Presumably most of these characters have had their memories of the experience suppressed for timeline-maintenance reasons, but like all the Mad, Crazy Harry can see through the universe’s veil. Anyway, this strip’s last time travel storyline began relatively cheerfully before degenerating into cancer talk and generalized grim maundering, so I’m excited to see what’s in store for us! We’re already getting off to a good start here, as all the teenage characters firmly believe that they’ll be long dead before they turn 50. Nope, just one of you!

Mary Worth, 7/15/15

This Mary Worth plot, in which Terry has given into Adam’s stalker-tastic behavior her true feelings, has definitely gotten into “Wait, is this storyline still happening? I thought it had stopped happening” territory. I just want to point out that “having good connections within the company” is probably code for “we threatened the HR director with a brutal beatdown, because violence and the threat of violence is how we solve our problems.”

Judge Parker, 7/15/15

Oh yeah, Neddy’s ex-boyfriend surprise-proposed to her last week and I didn’t tell you about it because it turned out to be pretty boring? Certainly more boring than dickering over shipping containers was. Anyway, I’m posting this strip mostly because I’m assuming that Sophie’s line in the final panel is supposed to be a sick burn, which is hilarious to me. “He hasn’t been the same since his first wife left him! Almost as if his whole vision of how his life would go was shattered as the person he loved more than anything in the world betrayed him! He’s been real erratic ever since for some reason I can’t undertand.”

Beetle Bailey, 7/15/15

Welp, it’s “Miss Buxley Wednesday” in Beetle Bailey, and you know what that means: let’s take a cute enough joke premise and then make it vaguely sexually gross for no reason!

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Mark Trail, 7/12/15

“Mark, that old grizzly is in the backyard again!”

“Cherry, did you know that there are only eight species of bears on earth?”

“Well, yes. But that grizzly is acting strange and kind of aggressive. Say, have you seen Rusty?”

“With their conservation status listed as ‘vulnerable,’ sun bears are struggling to survive in the jungles of Southeast Asia.”

“Wait … oh no! Rusty’s outside! Rusty, no! Don’t alarm that old bear!”

“Despite being the smallest of the bear species, they can extend their tongues out nearly 10 inches when trying to reach a meal of bees, termites, ants, beetle larvae, or honey.”

“No, Rusty, oh God! That bear is so hungry!”

“While living in jungles provides plenty of food for sun bears and there is no need to hibernate, tigers and snakes are occasional dangers…”

“My father is running out to help him — dad, it’s not worth it! It’s already too late!”

“However, their biggest threat comes from mankind through habitat loss and commercial uses such as traditional medicines and the pet trade.”

“Oh god, it’s got my father! My poor father! He’s locked his jaws around him! I can’t look! And all you can talk about it … sun bears …” [choking sobs]

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/15

Good ol’ Abbey has been a beloved member of the Morgan family for more than a decade but hasn’t gotten a lot of panel time lately. I do appreciate her extremely skeptical expression in panel two here though. “Wait, you want me to fight wild animals for you? Oh, hell no. I weigh, what, fifteen pounds? Twenty, tops?”

Mary Worth, 7/12/15

I was going to make a joke about Adam having won over Terry “so soon,” but I guess it has only been three and a half months, which isn’t really that long in the grand scheme of things. Man, it feels like forever, doesn’t it?

Momma, 7/12/15

Real talk: Momma would have her children killed, mummified, and entombed with her like an Egyptian pharaoh if she could.

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Apartment 3-G, 7/4/15

FUN FACT: Current Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle did the interior illustrations for many of the beloved Choose Your Own Adventure books published in the 1970s and ’80s, and I’m sincerely hoping today’s strip is a tribute to this. What exactly will the confusing, unsatisfying explanation for the recent weirdness in the strip surrounding Margo be? It all depends on you!

Mark Trail, 7/4/15

This Mark Trail strip is definitely from the opening minutes of a movie where a terrible plague makes the jump from shark to man, maybe transforming those unlucky few who don’t die right away into monstrous shark-human hybrids. So it’s probably for the best that Ken is calling in Mark Trail instead of, like, an actual veteranarian or some other kind of biologist or medical professional. We’ll need all of those we can get once the mass deaths really start getting underway; no need to expose them to the virus on day one.

Mary Worth, 7/4/15

Oh my God, Adam’s eye, staring emptily into the middle distance as Terry moves in for her smooch, is my everything. He’s finally won her heart — but at what cost? He suddenly realizes that the only way to stoke the fires of love within her is to join with her in escalating acts of violence. Sure, tonight they just subdued a convenient mugger, but he knows that won’t sate her bloodlust for long. Soon they’ll need to maim, to kill, and soon they won’t even use vigilante justice as a pretense. You’ve made your bed, Adam, and now you’ve got to lie in it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/4/15

This comic is here to remind you that the desperately poor are generally too busy with trying to survive to work for political change, and most revolutions erupt when an emerging middle class finds that they lack a political outlet for the rising economic power. Happy Fourth of July, America!