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Blondie, 5/31/15

This is an extremely disappointing Blondie because we haven’t been privy at all to the drama that led up to it: the joy of reaching the big tournament shattered as Dagwood is yanked from the team, the friendship betrayed, Dagwood’s sense of self-worth destroyed. When the phone starts saying “Herb Woodley” in its robot voice (are there real phones that do this? because that sounds terrifying and awful), we should feel the pent up rage and frustration that Dagwood feels. It would make the pathos of the final row of panels — in which Dagwood’s resentment dissolves into pathetic gratitude at being a backup selection — all the more intense, and the sting of Herb’s final panel contempt all the sharper.

Panels from Mary Worth, 5/31/15

Oh, whoops, looks like Terry physically blocking Adam’s proposal was just a necessary step along the road that will lead to their inevitable marriage. As you can see in panel two, Terry is becoming increasingly unmoored from reality, not even able to trust the evidence of her own senses, which will make her helpless to resist Adam’s advances.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/15

“It’ll be fun to watch her try to be nice to people! It’s probably going to be super hard for her. She should just pretend to be nice, like I did to her a couple panels back. It was really easy! Say, I forget, am I the sympathetic character in this storyline?”

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Apartment 3-G, 5/29/15

Haha whoops it seems that world-famous movie star Greg failed to ask his ex-girlfriend to dinner and now she will use her power as a mediocre publicist to completely destroy him, which will be very easy to do since he’s a rich and popular celebrity. Angry … vindictive … wildly delusional … Margo’s back, baby!

Beetle Bailey, 5/29/15

“Boy, a lot of the black guys and gals I see on TV are growin’ those Afros again. What’re they for, anyway? Heh, I bet they’re a good place to put those darn whosits, the music thing with the headphones, not a Walkman, the other thing. iPod! That’s it! Hehehehehe!” The preceding is the most old-white-man chain of thought I can imagine, and I am 100% sure it’s what led to today’s Beetle Bailey.

Mary Worth, 5/29/15

Oh God … the way she rests her hand on his lips, trying to gently cram his unwanted proposal back into his mouth … it’s just exquisite. This is everything I wanted from today’s Mary Worth. I am an extremely satisfied customer.

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Mark Trail, 5/25/15

Oh whoops, sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on all the Mark Trail action, but trust me when I tell you that after this terrifying helicopter crash everything went fine and the fire was put out by helpful forest rangers and nobody died, boooooring. Anyway, today I certainly hope we’re being introduced to a new recurring character or maybe even the star of his own spin-off strip: Cheerful Suspenders-Wearing Forest Firefighter Guy! Audiences love it when he flashes a crooked grin, tips his helmet, and delivers his beloved catchphrase: “The crew has the fire under control! HA-cha-cha!”

Judge Parker, 5/25/15

Speaking of people tipping their helmet in a courtly fashion, looks like there’s a new hunky he-hunk in town to vie for Neddy’s affection! Sure, she has a sort-of boyfriend who’s in Hong Kong and who’s supposed to be coming back to Spencer-Driverburg … tomorrow? Tomorrow in strip time? Tomorrow’s a long way off in Judge Parker chronology (about eight to fourteen weeks, by my estimate), so Neddy will have lots of time to contemplate Hank’s muscled forearms and cleft chin and the fact that he works for her so she is allowed to choose him for sexual services, in accordance with Spencer law. Also, isn’t Neddy Neddy’s designer? Like, the whole point of this operation is to manufacture the clothes she … designs, right? Never mind, though, look at that boyishly tousled hair, this guy can design whatever he wants, knowwhatimean??? (I mean sex, he can design sex, with Neddy.)

Crankshaft, 5/25/15

And speaking of crooked grins, I know that lopsided sarcasm-smirks are the Funkyverse’s dominant facial expression, but maybe don’t put one on someone who you’re drawing in semi-realistic closeup? Because otherwise it just kinda looks like they’ve had a terrible facial injury that’s mostly sealed up their mouth with scar tissue, dear God.

Mary Worth, 5/25/15

“Three things! I did three things for you! I took you to a restaurant. A restaurant! Now just tell me, if I were a truck, would you report me for veering wildly across multiple lanes of traffic, or would you have sex with me? I need to know!”

Hagar the Horrible, 5/25/15

Hagar definitely stabbed that guy with his sword between panels two and three, right? Stabbed him to death? Stabbed him to death and took his pizza?