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Crankshaft, 5/23/15

Philosophical question for you: if you derive joy from seeing Crankshaft so emotionally devastated that he’s thrown a towel over his head so that nobody can see him sobbing uncontrollably, are you as bad as Crankshaft? Asking for a friend.

Mary Worth, 5/23/15

“For instance, we’re probably too old to have children, but that doesn’t mean we can’t nurture this horrifying stuffed dog I won for you at the fair! We’ll treat like it’s our very own and force all our friends to stare into its uncanny face, and won’t even have to pay to send it to college!”

Slylock Fox, 5/23/15

Speaking of uncanny faces, check out these cats! Which two are exactly alike? Why not examine them intently until you can figure it out, or until you pass out while sweating and crying uncontrollably, whichever comes first?

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Dennis the Menace, 5/18/15

Dennis usually gets to let loose the menacing bon mots in this feature, but today it’s Henry’s turn to engage in a little light cruelty. “Look at that dumb dog! Doesn’t even know what day it is. Garfield, now there’s a cartoon animal that knows how to read a calendar, by God.”

Mary Worth, 5/18/15

Terry Bryson has decided to hang out with her dangerously obsessed ex, engaging in risky activities like unsupervised balloon rides over jagged mountain peaks and, apparently, riding on roller coasters that have no seat belts or adequate restraint bars. “TAKE ME, DEATH,” she’s basically shouting in panel two, hoping to be torn from the seat by centrifugal force and hurled across the amusement park. I think we’re finally learning that Terry’s sorely missed the adrenaline-soaked thrill ride that police work provided on a daily basis. Teaching dim trophy wives how to avoid phishing scams simply won’t cut it for her any more.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/18/15

You know what’s a cool way to improve your social standing in school? Bring your smirking high-powered lawyer to a meeting at the principal’s office. It’s a power move that other kids respect!

Six Chix, 5/18/15

Why … why is the tooth fairy in the bed of a full-grown woman

DEAR GOD IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO

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Mary Worth, 5/16/15

After a vigorous afternoon of hot air ballooning and ex-girlfriend-wooing, nothing chases the hunger away like a Smucker’s Uncrustables® Sandwich! Sadly, the questions in the Uncrustables® FAQ are mostly about how many hours after thawing that it’s still safe to eat these miracle sandwich-style food pods; there’s no guidance on just how strong you should be coming onto your ex when she tells you she wants to go slow. For instance, should you refer to her as your “future wife” to her face, or only to mutual acquaintances who you’re sure will tell her about it?

Dennis the Menace, 5/16/15

“Hmm, the art museum? Classy! I should put on a suit jacket before I go down there to talk shit about the paintings.” –a boy who just had his least menacing idea in months