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Mary Worth, 4/15/15

Nice to see that the “Adam is a stalker who just straight-up moved into his ex’s apartment complex without telling her to woo her back” aspect of this storyline hasn’t been dropped! Adam has room for only one creepy, all-consuming emotional attachment in his life at a time, people. Now that he’s physically incapable of foiling the many, many assassination attempts against Congressman McDugal, all that energy will be directed at loving Terry with a laser-focused, un-asked-for intensity that makes all other loves look like a pile of hot garbage by comparison. BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE LOVING, TERRY.

Phantom, 4/15/15

So it looks like the Phantom’s long bout of amnesia is finally going to be cured by … hearing a bunch of people say “walker”? As in “Ghost-Who-Walks?” This just makes Bangalla’s outdated state-run television service’s failure to acquire rights to AMC’s hit show The Walking Dead all the more tragic.

Beetle Bailey, 4/15/15

Not one crude drawing of a woman must be allowed to remain unsexualized! Not on Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industry LLC’s watch!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/15

Surely Cuzzin Irvin is aware that he (or at least his cuzzin) lives in an enclave of violent anti-government extremists? This is like one of those tragic stories where someone who happens to like wearing blue bandanas wanders into the wrong gang’s territory.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/15/15

“And none of us ever saw him again.”

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Mark Trail, 4/11/15

OH MY GOD MARK TURNED DOWN PANCAKES???? There’s only one possible explanation: bugs are gross, and Mark’s gonna have to deal with bugs, so he doesn’t want to barf up some perfectly good pancakes. MARK TRAIL FINALLY ADMITS THAT THERE’S SOME PART OF NATURE THAT’S ICKY, EVERYBODY

Mary Worth, 4/11/15

You know, Adam, if you care this much about Congressman McDugal, you can help him in other ways! Probably after your heroics he could arrange for a staffing job in his office. Or maybe you could work on his campaign! What better fundraising speech could there be than the man who literally sacrificed his body for the congressman explaining why he’s so passionate about the man’s agenda? You are more than a slab of bullet-stopping meat, Adam!

Shoe, 4/11/15

“Also, you’re constantly in danger of violence, both from fellow prisoners and from guards! Our dangerous prison system turns a blind eye to this sad state of affairs! But mostly it’s the clothes thing. Ladies be shopping, and be wanting to shop even when their penal detention prevents them from doing so, amiright?”

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Mary Worth, 4/6/15

Protective services, it turns out, involves protecting important officials like Congressman M^cDugal, Adam’s favorite Congressman. Adam’s dedication to M^cDugal’s political career was so intense that he had both break up with Terry and get shot in the leg. Was someone trying to assassinate Congressman M^cDugal? No, of course not. Taking a bullet for the Congressman was just something Adam was compelled to do … something he believed in. So did he have to rig up an elaborate mechanism that would fire a gun at the Congressman’s office door while he was standing in front of it? Yes. He was compelled to do it. It was an integral part of his political ideals, of his vision for America.

Mark Trail, 4/6/15

Man, Wally sure is taking us on an emotional roller coaster ride here, isn’t he? “Ha ha, Mark, you and Cherry are going to leave, but then come back! That’s super and terrific! Now, we’ve had some laughs, but in all seriousness, these trees are everything to me, and if I go down, I’m not going down alone.”

Slylock Fox, 4/6/15

“Yeah, look, Sly, Max, I … uh …. I gotta be somewhere,” said Chief Mutt, sweating profusely. “Can you, uh, can you feed the prisoners? Food’s already here. Shouldn’t be a problem.” He was gone before Slylock could even answer him. Not really my department, Slylock grumbled to himself as he pushed the cart down to the holding cells. As the metal door clanged shut behind him, he looked it up horror. Four hardened criminals were in a cell whose bars were so far apart they could easily just walk through them. They all smiled at Slylock with murder in their eyes.