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Mary Worth, 2/20/24

OK, I’ll officially be back on this storyline’s side again if instead of manfully failing to mention those inconvenient paternity test results and stepping up as a fake dad, Keith instead spirals into a world of paranoia where he questions everything he thought he knew. Kitty did keep Sonia a secret from him all these years, though if she wasn’t really his daughter I guess it was less “keeping her a secret” so much as “not telling him about a person who wasn’t related to him and isn’t any of his business.” Also, she didn’t tell him, a guy she slept with a few times 20 years ago, about a fake vegan with a dumb hat who kept hanging around and who seemed interested in a sexual/predatory way in Kelly or maybe in Sonia, who can say, but the important thing is that she kept Keith in the dark about him! Again, some might call this less “keeping Keith in the dark” and more “not keeping a guy she slept with a few times 20 years ago up to date about her current personal drama, because she hasn’t talked to him in 20 years so why would she tell him about this specifically,” but the important thing is that Keith is becoming increasingly emotionally unmoored, which, I cannot emphasize enough, I support.

Gasoline Alley, 2/20/24

OK, fine, it turns out the shocking and disturbing news in Gasoline Alley isn’t about nightmarish genetic experiments but rather the fact that they’re going to rename Gasoline Alley, presumably because of woke. I guess “Gasoline Alley” is the name of a specific geographical location within the strip, but if it is they haven’t made an overt reference to it in years, and I think it would be very funny if the city council within the strip had the awesome power to change the name of the very universe that contained their entire reality.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/15/24

Welp, I guess we’ve finally wrung all the narrative content we can out of Rene getting extremely injured and also involuntarily reunited with his beloved hated family, so it’s time for a … thrilling new adventure! The last storyline didn’t get into medical stuff too much (other than the aforementioned terrible injury at the end), so I’m excited to see that this strip has the guts to tackle the important question of whether microwave ovens beam CIA mind control rays into your brain to keep you subdued and compliant. You should be heating that coffee up over an open fire like our primitive ancestors did, Count! Or at least wear your tinfoil skullshield!

Shoe 2/15/24

The Perfesser is, of course, very depressed, possibly the most depressed out of all the depressed bird-men of Shoe. It’s particularly sad that the only way he can feel pleasure anymore is to taunt someone else who’s feeling down. Look at his face in that first panel! “Oh, is someone nearby sad for a specific reason, rather than just suffocating under the crushing weight of generalized ennui? Well, do I have a bon mot for him!”

Mary Worth, 2/15/24

Speaking of depression, this is a pretty grim look at Keith’s inner life right now. He used to be a guy with a family, who earned fun meals like pizza and root beer! Now he’s alone again, and all he deserves is bacon, eggs, and black coffee. Also Mary’s about to show up at his door, and that’s not going to help.

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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!