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Mary Worth, 5/23/14

“God damn it, Tommy, do you not know how to take a hint? Look, all I’m saying is that if you want to sell meth out of the restaurant, that’s fine with me — more than fine — as long I get my 30 percent of the gross! I think that’s plenty fair, and … wait, you’re not wearing a wire, are you? Damn it damn it damn it damn it”

Six Chix, 5/23/14

“Also the left side of my face is melting off and I’m not wearing any shoes and this thing in front of us is a rug to me but a coffee table to you in defiance of the ordinary rules of time and space. Probably time to cut down on the peyote, is what I’m trying to say!”

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Beetle Bailey, 5/20/14

Could it be that Beetle Bailey is trying, in its own weird, aimless way, to come to terms with the increasingly mechanized nature of modern warfare, in which modern soldiers are being replaced by drones and other machinery? Does Corporal Yo’s non-functional Beetle-bot represent a yearning for the days when at least human exhaustion could put the brakes on endless, merciless war? Whatever the larger significance, I think we can all agree that the best part about this robot is that nobody’s attempting to have sex with it.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/20/14

Haha, it’s funny because this lady just washed the floors, and they’re about to be covered with the blood and viscera of everyone she’s ever known and loved!

Mary Worth, 5/20/14

GOD DAMN IT TOMMY YOU GOD DAMN SELL-OUT

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CUT YOUR HAIR

AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT STUPID SHIRT

FUCKING PATHETIC

“OH BUT I’M WEARING WHITE LIPSTICK, IT’S SUPER PUNK ROCK”

BULLSHIT, YOU’RE GOING TO WIPE IT OFF RIGHT BEFORE THE INTERVIEW AND YOU KNOW IT

I’M COMPLETELY DISGUSTED HERE

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/17/14

Oh, man, sorry we’ve been wasting your time with the “Sarah is subjecting her babysitter to blackmail over her sexual encounters” plot, because we’ve got a “June is going to be an adjunct professor” plot to deal with! And June is starting her new job in the midst of labor chaos. Her pupils are dilating with excitement! Will she finally get to live out her lifelong dream of crossing a picket line?

Mary Worth, 5/17/14

Jeez, Tommy: honest, upright citizens never consider perks when contemplating potential employers! They merely smile smugly to themselves and think only about the redemptive dignity of ill-paid manual labor. What sort of monster are you?

Pluggers, 5/17/14

Hi, fellow Gen-Xers! Pluggers just quoted a Radiohead song so why not join me as I put myself out on an ice floe?