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Mary Worth, 6/1/14

Haha, yes, Iris, the best-case scenario here is that Tommy and Jerry will mutually benefit from their new employer-employee relationship! Unfortunately, modern capitalism is too often run as a zero-sum game, in which capital extracts more economic utility from labor than workers receive back in compensation. But don’t worry about Tommy, though: yes, he’ll be making minimum wage, but he’ll have an opportunity to meet the droopy-ponytailed, small-faced woman of his dreams, thus proving that the social benefits of employment go beyond mere economics.

Spider-Man, 6/1/14

“What did he say!? Is one of my erstwhile nemeses going to start doing my job for me!? This is the best day of my life!”

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Mary Worth, 5/23/14

“God damn it, Tommy, do you not know how to take a hint? Look, all I’m saying is that if you want to sell meth out of the restaurant, that’s fine with me — more than fine — as long I get my 30 percent of the gross! I think that’s plenty fair, and … wait, you’re not wearing a wire, are you? Damn it damn it damn it damn it”

Six Chix, 5/23/14

“Also the left side of my face is melting off and I’m not wearing any shoes and this thing in front of us is a rug to me but a coffee table to you in defiance of the ordinary rules of time and space. Probably time to cut down on the peyote, is what I’m trying to say!”

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Beetle Bailey, 5/20/14

Could it be that Beetle Bailey is trying, in its own weird, aimless way, to come to terms with the increasingly mechanized nature of modern warfare, in which modern soldiers are being replaced by drones and other machinery? Does Corporal Yo’s non-functional Beetle-bot represent a yearning for the days when at least human exhaustion could put the brakes on endless, merciless war? Whatever the larger significance, I think we can all agree that the best part about this robot is that nobody’s attempting to have sex with it.

Hagar the Horrible, 5/20/14

Haha, it’s funny because this lady just washed the floors, and they’re about to be covered with the blood and viscera of everyone she’s ever known and loved!

Mary Worth, 5/20/14

GOD DAMN IT TOMMY YOU GOD DAMN SELL-OUT

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CUT YOUR HAIR

AND WHERE DID YOU GET THAT STUPID SHIRT

FUCKING PATHETIC

“OH BUT I’M WEARING WHITE LIPSTICK, IT’S SUPER PUNK ROCK”

BULLSHIT, YOU’RE GOING TO WIPE IT OFF RIGHT BEFORE THE INTERVIEW AND YOU KNOW IT

I’M COMPLETELY DISGUSTED HERE