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Herb and Jamaal, 4/16/13

Ha ha, people sure do enjoy putting silly comments and cat pictures on their Facepages, and then we all read them on our … wait, what are Herb and Jamaal looking at exactly? A briefcase? Do they have the Internet on briefcases now? For looking at our Facepages? I guess Herb and Jamaal, as usual, are way, way ahead of the curve. (BTW I haven’t mentioned in a while but if you want you can follow me on your briefcase on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, or Google+! WARNING: I WILL POST SILLY COMMENTS AND OCCASIONAL CAT PICTURES)

Mary Worth, 4/16/13

Not even the Mary Worth narration box can commit itself to something interesting happening to Beth this week. “WHEN BETH CAN’T BRING HERSELF TO CALL TOM, SHE DECIDES TO GO TO THE STORE … WHERE FATE MAY HAVE OTHER PLANS FOR HER! THEN AGAIN, IT MAY NOT! WHO CAN TELL! PROBABLY SHE’LL JUST COME HOME WITH A BAG OF GROCERIES AND WATCH TV THE REST OF THE NIGHT WHILE HER MOTHER TRIES TO READ! ONCE IN A WHILE SHE’LL SIGH HALF-AUDIBLY!”

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Panels from Mary Worth, 4/14/13

Charles Lamb may have been called “the most lovable figure in English literature” by his principal biographer, but his out-of-context quote frankly terrifies me. “You say that he’s too good-looking, but … I advise you to look deeper! Why not get past the surface to see what sort of personal reality you can create, deep within his body, after you burrow into his chest cavity to nest, while terrified onlookers beg you to stop!”

Panel from Blondie, 4/14/13

“Hello, fellow human! Are you ready to knock some pins down at the bowling alley?! Possibly while consuming alcohol and becoming pleasantly intoxicated? I’m definitely a human, and not an alien being wearing a very clever disguise and perfectly mimicking your human language, ha ha!”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 4/14/13

Fortunately, before Slylock had to figure out another dumb little game to distract Max, a mighty owl swooped down and grabbed his rodent companion in its talons, carrying him off to be devoured. Max’s terrified screaming soon faded, and Sly was finally able get a good night’s sleep.

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Special message to Baltimore-area readers: Psst! Don’t forget to come see me do comedy at Magooby’s, tonight!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/3/13

You know, not to get too meta about my own shtick, but sometimes I get into so much of a groove exaggerating a strip’s tropes for humorous/queasy-making purposes that I forget that those tropes don’t always even need exaggeration! For instance: did you know that much of the intended humor value in Barney Google and SnuffY Smith derives from the fact that all the characters are desperately poor? It’s true! Like, I don’t think I ever fully grasped it, but instead of having “rooms” in their shack, the Smiths just have a tattered curtain running across the middle of the interior, providing rudimentary privacy when Snuffy and Loweezy want to get away from each other — when the latter’s resentment towards the former for never, ever helping around the house reaches a seething crescendo, say.

Mark Trail, 4/3/13

So Rusty is holding some kind of taxidermied monkey’s paw on the end of a long stick, right? There’s no way that withered hand at the bottom of panel two is (a) connected to his shoulder by an ordinary arm or (b) is a human hand or (c) is living tissue with blood pumping through it. What a strange, upsetting little boy. Mark at least seems to understand that Rusty is best experienced in small doses, though his attempt to express the idea using normal human syntax is somewhat unsuccessful. “Consider that a deal, friend! And remember, we can’t visit you if we don’t go home first! So we’re going home! Trust me, once you stop looking at Rusty, that weird inexplicable tension you have in your jaw will go away!”

Edge City, 4/3/13

Fine, Uncle Lumpy, fine, you’ve got me hooked on Edge City’s obsessive neurotic stylings! Anyway, today obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin’s hopes for a little emotional intimacy with her husband have been dashed, even taking into account the extremely low bar she’s set for herself.

Mary Worth, 4/3/13

After a busy day of not giving Tom’s lovelorn messages to her daughter, Elinor relaxes by reading the Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe and rattling her beloved bottles of prescription meds. This raises the question: How will Tom die? Tied to a table and eviscerated by a huge swinging blade? Or from a mysterious pill overdose?

Dennis the Menace, 4/3/13

Dennis and Joey are dragging a wagon of garbage around the neighborhood! Yes, Margaret, you are right to be horrified.