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Blondie, 7/20/12

Because of my 100% total commitment to YOUR ENTERTAINMENT AND EDIFICATION, I actually determined, by looking it up on Wikipedia, that “Untold Stories of the E.R.” is not a made-up T.V. show but an actual program carried on TLC. This is how Wikipedia describes the show:

In this program real-life emergency room doctors tell about their most bizarre and puzzling cases. Typically these involve medical sabotage, violently or strangely acting patients, life-threatening injuries, or even situations in which the E.R. physician is too overwhelmed to handle the caseload and can’t transfer responsibility for the patient to someone else.

Which is funny, because based on the dialogue we’re getting on-panel, I had assumed that it was carried late nights on Cinemax and every episode started with “Dear ‘Untold Stories of the E.R.’: I never thought this would happen to me, but…” and depicted people who came into the hospital with high fevers or head injuries quickly getting to third base with the triage nurse. I’ve also never seen “Cake Boss,” because we don’t have cable and also live in Baltimore and so are required to be loyal to the “Ace of Cakes.” Does “Cake Boss” involve the creepy eroticization of desserts? Someone involved in the writing of this dialogue really wants to fuck a cake, is what I’m trying to say.

Mary Worth, 7/20/12

I know I never unironically praise the art in Mary Worth, but I would like to unironically praise the art in today’s Mary Worth. I love everybody’s faces in panel one: the lady in the foreground and the ginger dude with the flapping hair are just going for flat-out screaming in terror, while the blondie lady with the pearls is thinking “I’m well-dressed and well-to-do, so nothing bad could possibly happen to me! I’m sure this will all work out fine.” Meanwhile, Wilbur looks genuinely crushed that he’s brought his only child on a doomed cruise that will kill them both, while Dawn just looks resigned and numb. Life is brutal. She already knew it.

The second panel is, if possible, even funnier. “Mama mia!” says the captain. (That’s a swear word in Italian, so they had to censor it.) “I didn’t see it!” He shakes his fist at whatever obstruction he just rammed the boat into. Meanwhile, his three assistants are standing absolutely still with neutral facial expressions, hoping nobody notices that they’re there.

Gasoline Alley, 7/20/12

I’m really kind of in awe of how long Gasoline Alley has managed to drag out its not-remotely-interesting-even-by-Gasoline-Alley-standards “Skeezix buys a new DVD player” plot. But I’m comfortable saying that it was all worth it, because it led to the sentence “Now to hook this baby up so we can watch some DVDs!” appearing in newspapers nationwide. The fact that it depicts an old man somehow managing to electrocute himself while hooking up composite cables is really just icing on the cake.

Apartment 3-G, 7/20/12

“Have you come up with a name for my granddaughter, Scott?”

“Not yet, Fred. I was hoping for a girl.”

“And how about you, Nina? Are you going to answer me in a way that indicates that you actually understood the question I asked?”

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Apartment 3-G, 7/16/12

This … but … I … what? We have been cheated of our dramatic and hilarious birthing scene! I mean, I didn’t expect to see the baby crowning or anything, but I was hoping at least for some “Push! Here it comes!” action or whatever. It all happened so quickly that it appears Tommie didn’t even need to unfold that towel sitting on the radiators. Is that a bar of blue soap sitting on the table? Did Tommie at least wash that baby off before sticking her into what I’m sure is Nina’s very expensive towel, or is it all covered with birth-goo? Damn it, I need closure on a lot of things!

Mary Worth, 7/16/12

Mary Worth, on the other hand, I fully trust to give us every single detail of the slow but hilarious sinking of Dawn and Wilbur’s dream cruise. Will the baffled passengers come up with improbable explanations for their plight? Will they all touch their faces in terror? Yes and yes! Let’s hope it goes on for weeks and never ends!

Spider-Man, 7/16/12

Every once in a while Newspaper Spider-Man remembers that it’s in a real live New York City and tries to give us a little bit of genuine local flavor. These guys in panel two, for instance, are no doubt supposed to be deeply ironic hipsters from Williamsburg, who are dressing like 1980s punks and and talking like 1950s beatniks as part of some kind of inscrutable guerrilla performance art project. They are also implying that Spider-Man is good at superheroism, because they are extremely sarcastic.

Six Chix, 7/16/12

“I’m talking about my eyes here. I’m pretty sure I’m going blind!”

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Mary Worth, 7/13/12

Hello, readers! You might recall the Mary Worth that ran on July 7, 2012, which first mentioned Wilbur’s intention to go on a Mediterranean cruise. I I featured this strip on this blog and, in jest, suggested that our protagonists would soon meet a fate similar to those aboard the Costa Concordia, which famously capsized off the Italian coast this past January. I made this joke not because I was trying to predict future events in the strip (though I’m certainly not above that entertaining game) but because the combination of the hapless Westons and looming disaster seemed funny. I literally did not for a single moment think that the strip actually planned to play this scenario out. And yet, as we are confronted with an awesomely fonted BAM!, it is suddenly clear that this is exactly what’s going to happen.

So, with that in mind, let’s discuss how this plays out. The b-plot has involved Mary earnestly asserting that the many depressives writing into Wendy for advice need to not give up on life but instead look for the silver lining in the dark cloud and learn from adversity. My guess is that Dawn responds to disaster with heroics, or at least some mild bit of integrity, and learns valuable lessons about her own self-worth. Still, for today at least I can fantasize about her watching Wilbur floundering as his weird hairy green suit jacket grows increasingly waterlogged. “Life is brutal,” she says, as she watches his four combover hairs sinking into the sea, one by one.

Apartment 3-G, 7/13/12

I’m reasonably sure that the garment that Tommie is taking off in panel one here is the weird thing with the collar she buttons up to the top and has been wearing all week, and that she’s just now taking it off because she’s really going to get down to whatever business it is that requires gloves. But I’d like to believe that she actually left for an hour to get a sandwich or something and is just now wandering back in and taking her jacket off. “So, did I miss anything? Still exhausted and in pain?”

Hi and Lois, 7/13/12

“Look forward to terrible, chronic pain, son! It’s the c-i-i-i-i-r-c-l-e of l-i-i-i-fe…”