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Mary Worth, 10/31/12

“So, wait, Mary, you’re asking me if I’m ‘OK’ that my new crush is physically attracted to me because I look uncannily like his dead sister, who is dead, and also was his sister? YES OBVIOUSLY I AM OK WITH THAT!!! You know the thing that I dread more than anything in the world is being dumped, and if Jim loves me because I look like his beloved dead sister, why, he couldn’t ever stand to lose her again, could he? Come on, Mary, help me find pictures of her online so I can start dressing more like her.”

(Also, follow that link above to discover that the Great Dumpening that started this whole storyline happened in mid-May, which means that this joyride of Dawn-misery has gone on for more than six months. And not that it hasn’t been great, but … what do you think Toby and Ian are up to, you think?)

Judge Parker, 10/31/12

“What am I going to do with a chainsaw, boss?” asks the thuggish hillbilly minion. “You’re going to use it for its intended purpose,” replied his boss, a violent drug lord whose empire was under risk of exposure, “which is to say that you’re going to cut up a fallen tree so as to prevent damage to our friend and future business partner’s expensive and impractical automobile!” RIP CHAINSAW DISMEMBERMENT STORYLINE, YOU WERE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE REAL

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B.C., 10/27/12

Ha ha, yes, because pirates were known for their … lack of respect for others’ personal space? Along with the pillaging and murder? Yaarrrr?

I know I should be impressed that these primitive cave-dwelling hominids have mastered writing at all, but I think a big banner that says “HALLOWEEN PARTY” hanging up at a Halloween party is a little on the nose.

Mary Worth, 10/27/12

NO NO NO SECOND PANEL MUCH TOO CLOSE BACK UP BACK UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BACK UP

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Apartment 3-G, 10/24/12

Haha, Greg, good job throwing off Margo’s suspicions there. The correct answer to “Why would you BUY A NEW YORK APARTMENT when you’re SHOOTING A MOVIE IN LONDON” is something like “Gee, maybe because I live in New York and most movies only shoot over a few weeks or months?” rather than “WHAAAH MY OWN PUBLICIST DOESN’T BELIEVE ME WHAAAH IT’S LIKE SHE THINKS I’M STALKING HER OR MAYBE HER ROOMMATES OR SOMETHING WAAAAH.” Also, you know, maybe a good publicist would think “Hmm, my client has just plopped down some cash for an apartment in a glamorous building in Manhattan, maybe this could be seeded on Page Six” rather than “WHY ARE YOU HERE AND NOT THERE???”

By the way, I’m actually a little surprised that Margo isn’t on her building’s co-op board, considering her well-known love of being in charge of things and deciding who lives and who dies. The building’s conversion to a co-op apparently happened just a bit before I started writing this blog, and I’m forever saddened to have missed out on what I’m sure were a dramatic series of legal filings.

Mary Worth, 10/24/12

Oooh, Dawn’s relationship with Jim really is on an express train to crazytown! The lesson Dawn is apparently going to learn here is that the depressed and the disabled are dangerous, so you should shun them. Also, maybe the Mary Worth team has wildly misunderstood what “hydrophobia” means and soon Jim will become rabies-crazed? Can’t wait!

Judge Parker, 10/24/12

“So look, I’ll pay off whatever small amount of money Bea owes you, but in return you’ll have to shut down the vast, lucrative criminal enterprise that allows you to purchase Picassos and live comfortably in your underground lair. Do we have a deal, my violent, chainsaw-wielding, felonious friend?”