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Archie, 7/7/11

Since Gil Thorp seems determined to deny us our summer of joyous insanity for like the third year in a row (SERIOUSLY THEY ARE DOING A GOLF PLOT AGAIN WHAT THE HELL) we need to take our school-themed wackiness where we can find it. For instance, today Miss Grundy is on yet another desultory date with Prof. Weatherbee, which mainly serves to cover up the hot and heavy affair she’s been having with Moose all summer.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/7/11

It’s my understanding that little dots and bubbles around a cartoon character’s head generally denote intoxication, so I’m going to assume that “sleeping like a grownup” means that Maw drunk herself to sleep again.

Mary Worth, 7/7/11

“I mean, why would anyone become romantically obsessed with me? I’m rude and self-absorbed, and I don’t exactly have the looks to make up for it! It just doesn’t make any sense!”

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Dennis the Menace, 7/5/11

After years of biding his time, Dennis has finally decided to go into environmental menacing. “Once those mountains have been leveled so we can get at the coal underneath them, and the forests have been stripped and replaced by endless cul-de-sacs filled with vulgar homes far too large for their lots, this will be a vista worth looking at, by God.”

Mary Worth, 7/5/11

It turns out the only thing Drew finds more unsettling than a lady claiming to be his girlfriend when she isn’t is any indication that not everyone considers a career in the healing arts to be the pinnacle of human achievement. “You mean … she left her medical job … to pursue a career as some kind of common peddler of trinkets? How gauche!”

Hi and Lois, 7/5/11

As the fireworks of America’s Independence Day holiday fade, it’s up to each of us to ask in seriousness: What does freedom mean? To Trixie, clearly freedom denotes the ability to void one’s bladder or bowels without having to worry about minutes or hours spent sitting in a soiled diaper. Babies are disgusting, in other words.

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Slylock Fox, 7/4/11

Maybe our neighborhood spawns unusually well-behaved and/or athletically skilled children, but I’ve never actually had to deal with this stereotypical scenario. Still, I’d like to think that if I did, I wouldn’t be so focused on figuring out which specific child damaged my property. I mean, surely if a foursome of young athletes were engaging in sporting pastimes dangerously close to breakable parts of my home, shouldn’t they all be considered more or less equally culpable for the resulting damage, rather than blame settling solely on the last person to touch the ball before it went on its rampage? In fact, the art in this strip reinforces this view, with the dog, bear, and bird all staring forward with looks of guilt-ridden anxiety. Only the rabbit, with his dull, heavy-lidded expression, seems impervious to feelings of self-blame over the incident; indeed, he may be far too stoned to realize what all the fuss is about.

Mary Worth, 7/4/11

I’m not saying that Mary Worth is a murderer; I’m just saying that, if Mary Worth were to kill one of your enemies and subtly try to let you know a week later that you were now forever in her debt, this is pretty much how that conversation would go.