Post Content

Mark Trail, 9/16/11

I feel that this is a good opportunity to point out that Mark Trail is probably the worst comic strip out there when it comes to depicting responsible pet ownership. Remember a few years back, when a terribly depressed little girl got even more depressed because her puppy got kidnapped? Now, far be it for me to blame the puppy-kidnapping victim, but I felt that at some point during the proceedings of that storyline someone, possibly Mark, should have said something along the lines of “Hey, little girl, do you know why those kidnappers were able to kidnap your dog? Because you just let it run freely around your neighborhood at night! In fact, even in some kind of magical fantasy world where puppy-napping isn’t rampant, your puppy could easily have gotten hit by car, or attacked by a raccoon or coyote! Or maybe it just would have decided to run off with another family. Keep your dog indoors or in an enclosed yard, always!”

But of course Mark doesn’t say this, because he’s terrible. In fact, he just lets his dog Andy roam around and go wherever he wants! In this case, Andy has, after pursuing a lady dog named Princess (which implies that Andy hasn’t been fixed, another way Mark is a terrible pet owner), ended up in the hands of Sgt. McQueen’s mother, the lady who’s been putting the Bible bands on the geese. She’s shown her villainy by putting Andy in “prison” (i.e., a fenced yard) and trying to find out who he belongs to. This is exactly the same degree of evil as was displayed by her putting metal bands with Bible verses on the legs of geese, which is to say none at all.

Mary Worth, 9/16/11

Oh my goodness, sexy Bobby Long is on the “New York Blazes!” He’s on their “most eligible roster,” on-field and off! Which means, uh, what exactly? What the hell kind of soccer team has a “most eligible roster” on-field? Or off-field? Maybe the “New York Blazes” is actually a stable of male prostitutes, that soccer ball is just a prop to show he’s “athletic,” and Gina’s long-awaited reunion is about to get spendy.

Six Chix, 9/16/11

As America grows more diverse, our schools need to be able to embrace and educate children from a wide variety of backgrounds. Still, I don’t think I could blame a teacher for disliking a student who’s an actual demon from hell.

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 9/11/11

On this solemn day of remembrance, it seems trivial to mock the comics. And yet we must acknowledge that one particular comic is helping us heal. What better way to honor the memory of those who died on 9/11 than to browbeat some unwilling girl into marrying you just because she doesn’t want to make you look like a jerk in front of your family? NEVER FORGET 9/11/11: the day Paul’s jet planes of love crashed into Lu Ann’s heart.

Mary Worth, 9/11/11

Or you could have Mary Worth call you! I’m sure that’s very comforting. “Hmm, that’s odd, Lois never seems to be home when I call to talk to her about her dead son. Could she be avoiding me? No, that world require some kind of advanced technology that would allow you to identify a caller before you answer the phone. Guess I’ll just keep leaving voice mail messages, about death!”

Post Content

Family Circus, 9/7/11

I have to admit that I’m delighted at the look of unalloyed maniac joy on Dolly’s face in this panel. It’s fun to imagine her methodically pulling these tissues out of the box, one by one, faster and faster, shouting the latest count out at the top of her lungs. This is the sort of behavior normally associated with the abuse of amphetamine-based stimulants, but I’m sure the Keane parents are far too protective to allow anything like that in the house, so we have to assume that something is just terribly wrong with poor Dolly’s brain chemistry.

Mary Worth, 9/7/11

In case you were wondering, Mary has hit the full-on platituding stage of her latest meddle. “Where there is love, there can be no fear! Only crushing, suicidal disappointment when you discover that your childhood love has moved on with someone else. What have you got to lose, except for all of your treasured hopes and dreams?”

Pluggers, 9/7/11

Wait a minute … pluggers would never eat fancy elitist foreign food from un-American places like “Belgium” or “Denver.” FALSE PLUGGERS! UNCLEAN!

Spider-Man, 9/7/11

“Really, I’m kind of out of it … I’m not sure where I am or what I’m doing … but I’m going to be an aggressive dick about it!” THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, EVERYBODY!