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Lockhorns, 4/29/10

You’ve probably wondered: what would be a fouler expression of marital loathing than Loretta killing people and cooking them to feed to her unsuspecting husband? Hiring someone to dig up mouldering corpses from the graveyard, which she then cooks and feeds to her unsuspecting husband? Yeah, that sounds about right. Thanks goodness for his discriminating palate!

Crock, 4/29/10

Usually I’m annoyed by comics that just present two or more characters standing around describing things rather than actually depicting the action. But I have to say that I would much rather see two poorly drawn Legionnaires looking at a white square while standing in a mysterious numbered tube than see a new bride and groom being pelted with bloody chicken viscera in a scene of unimaginable horror, so big thanks to Crock!

Mark Trail, 4/29/10

Cherry has apparently decided that the root cause of the Trails’ terrible sex life is Mark’s terror of sensuality of any sort. Before he can be expected to serve as a satisfying sexual partner to her, he must first start from square one and “work on” himself — possibly while Cherry watches.

Marmaduke, 4/29/10

In I Samuel 18, we learn that the young David, in order to win the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal, had to provide as a bride-price 100 Philistine foreskins. In order to ascend to the dignity of Demon-King of Earth, Marmaduke must prove himself a more gruesome killer than even the Biblical patriarchs.

Mary Worth, 4/29/10

Mary’s thought balloon today begins The Smuggening, which is crucial, as she can only effectively meddle in the lives of others from a place of superiority. “I also grew up poor, and yet my condo unit isn’t cluttered with stacks of boxes! Hmm, how sad that not everyone has my fortitude of character.”

Pluggers, 4/29/10

Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody to see, so why not show up for appointments 45 minutes early? The nice lady at the doctor’s certainly can’t leave the her desk, so if I say things to her while I’m waiting, she’ll probably have to talk to me!

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Mary Worth, 4/26/10

So I was talking to my mother about Mary Worth yesterday (AS IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL FOR A 35-YEAR-OLD MAN TO DO, RIGHT?) and we were discussing what the big reveal would be in this storyline. She thought it was just going to be some compulsive shopping with a little overspending thrown in for good measure; I was convinced that we were heading on to some full-on hoarding. Of course, it’s always awesome to be proven right, but I have to say I’m a little disappointed in the quality of the hoarding on display here. Yes, there are a lot of boxes and bags stacked up, but in fairly tidy piles, and even the occasional loose garment is neatly laid out on the couch or even hanging up on something conveniently off-panel. While it’s surely problematic, and in violation of Charterstone regulations (and don’t think Mary isn’t taking careful mental notes as she attempts to console Bonnie), it just doesn’t display the level of squalor that I was hoping for. Where are the six-foot-tall tangled piles of dresses, tags still on? The tunnels dug out through piles of newspaper to allow movement from room to room? The dead animals? Sorry, guys, you’re going to have get a lot more harrowing to reach “very special episode” status.

Mark Trail, 4/26/10

Actually, Mark, that’s not so much a “suggestion” as what looks to be as close as you could ever get to an erotic reverie. I dearly hope that ellipsis at the end of Mark’s word balloon in the final panel presages days or perhaps even weeks of our hero waxing rhapsodic about the awesomeness of nature in all of its quiet glory, including a graphic description of what fish guts sound like falling slimily to the bottom of a boat anchored in an otherwise silent cove, as his captive audience can only watch on in stunned silence.

Since this is Mark Trail, where your fortunes are almost entirely dependent whether Mark has taken a shine to you, I’m presuming his suggestion will be that float planes and “big motors” be banned all over the lake, except for around the camp where his friend and his sexy daughter live, since they need float planes and motorboats to keep their business alive. The Parker Brothers will of course be bankrupted as well as arrested. Another problem solved according to Arbitrary Trailian Justice, which can sting as badly as any fist!

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Apartment 3-G, 4/20/10

Oh, goody, Apartment 3-G is revisiting an important plot point from Sunday that I neglected to mention, namely the “private psychiatric facility upstate” into which the so-called “sane” characters in this strip are bamboozling our poor Bobbie. The Professor, of course, was the one who was prescribing pills to Bobbie and screwing her, possibly not in that order, so he’s the most suitable candidate for disposing of her in a way that’s convenient for everyone, without the pesky police getting involved. One wonders who’s paying for this fancy private facility! Martin, with his alimony checks? The Professor, out of guilt? Actually, if my suspicions are correct, it may be the sort of institution where she can earn her keep just like Margo did.

Crock, 4/20/10

Oh, look, Crock is trying to capture that awful yet moving vibe of yesterday’s Hagar the Horrible. Unfortunately, the sort of little grace notes that made that other strip work in spite of itself are wholly missing from this one, and the details that are present are just jarring and wrong (vultures do not have teeth, for instance). But mostly a steaming, bloated corpse being picked apart by a grotesque scavenger bird just doesn’t have the same grim majesty as a good burning at the stake, I’m afraid.

Gil Thorp, 4/20/10

Against all odds and logic, teen alt-country sensation “Slim” Chance has decided to spend his spring afternoons with the losers and yahoos on the Mudlark baseball team, possibly because he hopes to use their pathetic dreams and broken lives as material for his songwriting. He’s already blowing the kids’ minds with his crazy musical stylings; I’m assuming one of the major spring plots will involve his teammates, who have grown up on a diet of the terrible rap-metal, learning about good, wholesome music, like this country standard about adultery and murder.

Marmaduke, 4/20/10

Marmaduke is the last creature one would expect to see engaging in the sort of nonviolent passive resistance that Gandhi and Martin Luther King used to effect social and political change. It’s more likely that he’s hoping to lure unwary passersby close enough for him to kill and eat.

Mary Worth, 4/20/10

Tobey is overjoyed that Mary has at last made another friend, which takes the pressure off her, and is thus trying to minimize any potential flaws Mary might see in her. “Oh, she’s a big shopper? Is that all? That’s no reason why you two shouldn’t be thick as thieves and spend all your free time together. Whoa, is it 1:30 already? Gotta go! Later Mary! Say hi to Bonnie for me!” In panel two her hand is shaking in anticipation of freedom, sweet freedom.