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Hello, everybody! I’m back from my relaxing vacation, tanned, rested, and ready to mock the crap out of some comics. I must as always give thanks to Uncle Lumpy for his admirable fill-in work, and thanks to everyone who generously donated to the 2023 Summer Fundraiser. (Contributors will get individual thanks soon!)

You ever notice that Uncle Lumpy always gets to cover the really exciting things that happen in Mary Worth? We all remember that time back in 2009 when he got to breathlessly narrate the botched Operation H-Town Raid; this year, he was in the saddle while Mary spent the better part of the week cruising around Santa Royale in this charming bicycle:

And just as a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon can set in motion a series of events that ultimately results in a hurricane hitting Florida, so too did Mary’s little jaunt result in…

Mary Worth, 8/15/23

…an evening at the Bum Boat where she gets real deep into her extremely boring philosophy about, like, social cohesion or whatever. Jeff has long since tuned her out and for most of the last 20 minutes has been thinking about the hit 2004 film The Butterfly Effect, starring Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart.

Judge Parker, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, over in Judge Parker, Sam is being recruited to probably do a murder by a Russian (?) mobster (??) just because he managed to slightly outpace a kidnapper so that said kidnapper got eaten by a bear. Look, man, he just wants to have sex with his ex-wife, OK? Will you give him some time to do that, if he kills this guy you want killed? Because he’ll do it if he has to.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/23

Meanwhile, Gil is teaching new Mudlark wresting coach Luke Hernandez why he can be so magnanimous: because he and Milford have deep financial resources that make life much more comfortable. It’s easy to be kind to your defeated foes when, win or lose, your facilities make Valley Tech’s look like some kind of makeshift concentration camp. And all Milford has to do to secure this bounty is humor “Pop,” the local eccentrically dressed billionaire who’s happy to underwrite the athletic department’s every whim, so long as he gets to hunt one underperforming junior for sport on his private island every semester.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/15/23

As America’s most beloved comics blogger, I hereby authorize each and every one of you to use “Sorry, I was busy running an online auction” as an excuse for being late or just generally not paying attention to other people. Go ahead! It’s easy and fun!

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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals—I’m your beloved host, Carl. My goodness, it has been such a long time; let’s dig right in to those fascinating Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Speed Bump, 8/6/23

“Say, do you ever feel taken for granted? Well, then, you just might be a turtle!“

Mark Trail (panel), 8/13/23

“See what I mean? Ahem! Did you know that the Ohio River also supports snapping, spotted, painted, northern and Ouachita map, river cooter, pond slider, smooth and spiny softshell, eastern musk, Blanding’s, and box turtles? And that it wouldn’t kill you to mention a few of them?”

Shoe, 8/13/23

“Did you know that birds have vasa deferentia? It’s true!” “It’s still a bad idea to get your avian reproductive facts from Shoe, though; just sayin’.”

Arctic Circle, 8/13/23

“Did you know that squid eat mackerel? It’s true!” “Did you also know that penguins don’t eat mackerel but do eat squid? It’s true—these guys are just waiting.”

Mary Worth (panels), 8/13/23

“If Mary Worth has taught me anything, it’s that dogs are good, but fish are delicious!” “Hey you guys, how about a to-go box for your old pal Carl?”

That’s all for today—time to get outside and explore the wonderful World of Animals!

— Turtle Carl

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Mary Worth, 8/4/23

Greta and … Max? What about Greta’s prison love, Holly? Man, if you had told me that Mary Worth’s grimdark tale of dogs being held hostage in hellish conditions to satisfy sadistic whims would in ony a few weeks resolve itself into “Ho ho, is it a doggie love triangle?” I … well, I wouldn’t have been that surprised, actually.

Judge Parker, 8/4/23

Good news, everyone! That little kidnapped girl has been reunited with her family some fairly menacing guy who she seems to like and I guess works for her wealthy father. Anyway, it’s a real shame that Sam and Abbey are going to spend a good chunk of what was supposed to be their sex vacation trying to find and give money to a bear.

Gil Thorp, 8/4/23

“I’ve been betting on these poor boys. Big money, too! That’s legal, right?” [Coach Kaz whispers in his ear] “Uh, no further comment, this press conference is OVER, get those cameras OUT OF HERE”