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Mark Trail, 10/13/07

I am heaving (hopefully not premature) thanks up to the Gods of Comics that this lame, lame, lame-ass Mark Trail storyline is finally meandering to a halt. I have disliked it both for its numerous lapses in logic and good sense and for its failure to produce a target for Mark’s fists. For the most part, I have ignored this plot in the hopes that it would go away, but I feel compelled to point out the pink stripe arching up from Evil Developer Jr.’s temple in panel three. What appears from most angles to be a lustrous, curly head of hair is actually one of the most epic combovers in human history, a work of cosmetological engineering as impressive in its own way as the Hoover Dam. Still, for all the effort that’s gone into it, it’s only staving off the inevitable, and the son will have to follow dad’s example and switch to the Lollypop Guild ’do eventually.

Mary Worth, 10/13/07

“…I want to give you this item of great importance … that’s IN MY PANTS!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/13/07

“…a .38 special revolver … IN MY PANTS!”

Jesus, every time I try to ignore the subtext in Rex Morgan, the text gets less sub. I’ll bet you’d like to learn how to shoot, Niki. Also, does anyone else think the “Y?” hat is a little flirty? This kid is totally asking for it.

Pluggers, 10/13/07

Note to self: Acquire separate business phone line post haste.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/12/07

I’ve got to say that I’ve been pretty disappointed in this week’s Apartment 3-G plot. With the set-up we were given, I was expecting to see either (a) Eric dumping Margo and laughing at her shattered hopes and dreams, (b) Margo berating Eric at great and colorful length for failing to propose to her when ordered to, or (c) angry, angry sex (and to be honest I was hoping for some combination of the three). Instead, we’ve had a lot of blah blah blah about Alan, a character I care about less than just about anyone in this strip — less than Gina, less than Blaze, even less than Tommie.

At least Margo’s face in panel two indicates that she’s also a bit put off by how this conversation is going. “Stretched too thin? But … does that mean you won’t let Mistress Margo put you on the rack tonight?”

Mary Worth, 10/12/07

I am, however, pleased that Vera’s creepy brother Von is back in the picture. Just when I thought that the creepy Flowers in the Attic-style hijinks were over! My guess is that the item of importance that Von has to explain to his sister involves their father’s will, out of which, you will recall, Vera was cruelly and chauvinistically cut. Von will reveal that Vera’s half of the family fortune will be hers, as long as they fulfill their father’s dying wish and marry each other. You can only protect yourself with that tennis racket for so long, Vera!

After watching Wilbur fondle his heartbroken daughter all last week, I’m really looking forward to the incestuous triangle of jealousy that will bear down on Drew with greater and greater force. Will he be able to fight off both millionaire Von of Pacific Cliffs and syndicated columnist “Ask Wendy”? Maybe he’ll need to call his own sister into the fight just to be on the safe side.

Gil Thorp, 10/12/07

OH MY GOD! Cully Vale killed a kid in a backyard wrestling simulation gone horribly wrong! And was tried as an adult for it! It’s ripped from the headlines … of newspapers on microfiche from 1999, which is when the incident this is referring to actually happened. Gil Thorp, always on the cutting edge. Anyway, I think the DA was right to prosecute Cully as an adult. For one thing, he appears to be about 27 years old. And just look at that glassy-eyed dopey smile — clearly that’s the face of a premeditated murderer. You’ve brought shame to the state of Oregon, Vale! You don’t deserve to squat awkwardly behind its flag!

By the way, the kid in the real-life backyard-wrestling murder/manslaughter/what have you case ended up getting paroled, only to be arrested later for armed robbery. I hope very much that a similar incident is integrated into the story of “Cully Vale, gentle giant”.

Herb and Jamaal, 10/12/07

“I can’t believe all of the issues in the church today” now officially joins “Wow, check out the latest on the hotel socialite! The stuff they say about her really makes you think, doesn’t it?” on this list of Things Nobody Would Ever Say At Any Time But Which Have Been Incomprehensibly Used As The Set-Up For A Joke In Herb And Jamaal.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/9/07

No, Margo! Don’t trust him! Eric Mills is not what he seems! Her suspicions shouldn’t necessarily be raised by his expressing passing concern for the well-being of another female human when he should be attempting to seduce and/or marry Margo; I’m sure his curiosity about Lu Ann’s health is essentially mercenary, and can be summed up as “Will she still be capable of churning out mediocre fern prints that I can unload on the condo and hotel lobby market at a healthy profit?” No, the real clues of nefariousness are those glasses, which are totally inappropriate for serving cognac. That means Eric’s not a real millionaire, and Margo’s been wasting her time and sexual energy on him; she needs to move on post haste. Does she really want to be tied to someone whose financial future lies in Lu Ann’s artistic abilities?

Archie, 10/9/07

One might have written off a single reference to Betty’s blog as a sad and desperate bid to remain relevant to the kids today; but her Web journal’s reappearance as a plot point here indicates that, in a bid for cross-media corporate synergy, the Archie newspaper strip is pimping Betty’s actual blog (or, well, “Betty’s” “actual” blog), which I suppose I’ll serve as a tool of Archie Comics Publications Inc. and direct your attention to. The many content providers for this sprawling media empire haven’t coordinated their efforts well enough to actually have date details up that might make Veronica beverage-dumping mad, but Riverdale’s cheeriest blonde does wish her Canadian friends a happy Thanksgiving, which is more than FBOFW has managed to do (unless the secret message of this week’s plot is “Be thankful you haven’t had multiple strokes”).

Mary Worth, 10/9/07

Ah, see, this is how we know that Drew was right to choose Vera over Dawn; Charterstone’s go-gettingist clerk-typist doesn’t resort to tears and incredibly bland quotes when confronted with an ambiguous offering from a two-timing ex; rather, she thought-balloons a clever little bon mot that includes a “drew” pun and prepares to move on with her life. Perhaps she’ll find happiness with a new man — like that handsome deliveryman! His russet hair is rakishly long, but not drug dealer long.

Popeye, 10/9/07

The current loopy, meandering Popeye plot involves “spincoal”, a superpowerful form of compressed spinach that serves both as a miracle food and a miracle fuel. It hasn’t been all that exciting, but I am intrigued by the promise of energy industry skullduggery to come. I’m pretty sure that Popeye strips are actually reruns from the 1990s, so I’m assuming that the figure in the second panel is then-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney.