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Beetle Bailey, 8/29/24

I was going to say that Beetle’s whining here is unrealistic, as well as being literally, legally insubordinate, but you know what? The damn strip is named Beetle Bailey! If not for him, Halftrack wouldn’t even exist! Put some damn respect on his name, General!

Blondie, 8/29/24

Sorry, man, you don’t put a giant calendar like that on your fridge if you’re counting down towards something you’re wistful about, like the end of barbecuing season. I think it’s clear that Dagwood’s in a doomsday cult, the “last summer barbecue” is going to burn up most of the neighborhood and the people who live there, and he’s pissed because he’s been informed he won’t be able to partake of the Flesh of the Righteous alongside the Leader before he too is immolated.

Gearhead Gertie, 8/29/24

I gotta say, if you’re sitting on a park bench minding your own business and a total stranger decides to start tut-tutting at you about the kids today and their phones, I think indignantly replying “I’m reading about NASCAR” is as good a comeback as any. Maybe it’ll convince them that you’re decent, salt-of-the-earth people, or maybe it’ll just confuse them, but either way chances are good they’ll leave you alone!

Mary Worth, 8/29/24

ME WHEN I ASSSUMED DR. ED WAS TAKING ESTELLE TO A VETERINARIAN CONVENTION BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID SHE WAS GETTING TOO OBSESSIVE ABOUT WEDDING STUFF AND ALSO SO SHE COULD LEARN MORE ABOUT THE PROFESSION: Well, I’m not sure this is really what she’d want but I think his heart’s in the right place.

ME TODAY AS I LEARN DR. ED IS TAKING ESTELLE TO A VETERINARIAN CONVENTION BECAUSE HE “OWES” HER A “DAY OUT” AND WAS GOING THERE ANYWAY: Girl. Dump him. Dump him girl!!!!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/27/24

Ha, get it, you thought she wanted Ernie to stop smoking tobacco, a dangerous and expensive habit … but in fact, “smoking” could mean a number of different things! Thus the ambiguity. Not clear what Ernie’s wife has against smoking brisket. Seems like a pretty harmless and honestly delicious hobby to me. But you can figure that one out on your own. What, am I supposed to hold your hand on every little thing?

Mary Worth, 8/27/24

This is good! She’s going to get to the convention and find out that the reception theme is “fancy ball/exotic zoo,” and see that it’s really tacky and off-putting. “Won’t be doing that for our wedding!” she’ll think. “Really dodged a bullet there.”

Six Chix, 8/27/24

Hey, were you wondering what’s up with the Tuesday Chik, last seen being cucked by avocado toast? Well, she’s cruising for sex at pizza parties now. Sad!

Pluggers, 8/27/24

WHAT THE HELL PLUGGERS I HAVE BEEN READING YOU FOR 18 YEARS AND NEVER ONCE IN THAT TIME HAVE I THOUGHT “I WANT TO SEE A JOKE ABOUT PLUGGER CLEAVAGE” WHAT ARE YOU DOING AND HOW CAN I MAKE YOU STOP

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Dick Tracy, 8/26/24

Someone who’s had some weird romance arcs in his time is Junior, Dick Tracy’s son in the comic strip Dick Tracy. Long ago he was married to Moon Maid, daughter of the Governor of the Moon, and he had a half-Lunarian daughter with her, but then she got blown up by a car bomb meant for him. Later he married Sparkle Plenty, daughter of comical rustics B.O. and Gertie Plenty; that relationship was briefly thrown into turmoil when Moon Maid seemed to reappear, but then it turned out some gangster had modified his hapless girlfriend with Lunarian DNA, and the poor woman eventually changed her name to “Mysta Chimera” and accommodated herself to her new life as a hideous genetic abomination and platonic pal to Junior and his family. However … is there a new contender for his love? How else do you explain that he’s chosen a tastefully glamorous photo of Rikki Mortis, the goth lover of notorious corpse-criminal Abner Kadaver, as his desktop wallpaper? More on this Tracy family romantic drama as it (probably fails to) develop!

Hi and Lois, 8/26/24

One thing I love about legacy comics is how they freeze certain stereotyped images and settings in amber, even when the journeyman artists and writers tasked with churning out the comics are young enough that they themselves only remember them from older comics. One example is the idea, omnipresent in the comics, that upscale fine dining restaurants feature plush decor and white tablecloths; in fact, that hasn’t been true for newer restaurants since the ’90s, and even the old timers have mostly transitioned to the new aesthetics, which are all about high ceilings and hard, industrial-style surfaces. A 2018 Atlantic article that I think about all the time chronicles this transition and points out that the result is a much louder dining experience, which restaurants like because it’s less conducive to sitting around pleasantly chatting and thus increases customer turnover and restaurant profits. Anyway, I was reminded of this today because another aspect of modern restaurant design is that it features large, open, continuous spaces instead of the warren of rooms you might have found in a traditional eatery, so there’s no longer any place to stash the Flagston family where the other, more desirable patrons can’t see or hear them.

Mary Worth, 8/26/24

I dunno, Ed, this seems like a great way to show up at your wedding and discover that the theme is “WHY WON’T MY NEW HUSBAND PAY ATTENTION TO ME????”