Post Content

COTW coming momentarily, but first, a fun link from faithful reader CK! Comic artist R. Sikoryak has put a book of classic tales imagined in the style of various comic artists! You’ll enjoy the whole thing, but you’ll particularly want to move forward to page three to see role Mary Worth was born to play: Lady MacBeth.

And now, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“The damage this week’s Luann is going to do to countless naive teenage boys is almost unbear — wait, I forgot teenage boys would rather swallow a bottle rocket than read Luann. You dodged a bullet there, little friends.” –Marion Delgado

And the many runners up! Very funny!

“I like how Archie is envisioning changing into a long-sleeve shirt before he punches Reggie in the face. Though perhaps it’s not Archie at all, but Mark Trail making a crossover appearance. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured Mark getting all punchy on someone who’s pissed me off. Well, actually I never have, but I probably will now.” –kevinbapp.com

“MW: I can’t really see where this story is going, apart from an increasingly bizarre series of spontaneous walks.” –Mooncattie

“The Dalai Lama wishes to give you a blessing, Margo. And by ‘blessing’, I of course mean ‘exorcism’.” –seismic-2

“Next week, in a very special Apartment 3-G, Margo grabs the Dalai Lama by the balls and yells in his face for six straight days.” –Lolsworth

“Exactly what kind of ‘story book‘ is Connie talking about here, The Soporific Non-Adventure of the College Acquaintances Who Eventually Became Neighbors and Made Desultory Conversation While Watching Their Kids Not Play in the Park? Sometimes ‘gripping’ seems like such an inadequate word.” –Violet

“I did nature programs at a summer camp for a few years, and I never saw kids standing around outside with expressions quite like that. Are they on wee little downers, or what?” –Poteet

“I plan to keep on reading Mark Trail no matter WHAT happens.” –True Fable

“It bothers me that characters in Judge Parker are constantly shrouded in mysterious and dramatic shadows while they say and do utterly mundane things. Meanwhile, the characters in Gil Thorp are invariably well-lit, despite their totally incomprehensible behavior.” –Trilobite

“Oh, Gil Thorp! How I love your giant manly knuckles, and your large slablike faces and guyish locks of hair falling over intense mysterious sunglassed eyes while you speak in deep tones of incomprehensible things! Oh my. I need to sit down.” –Bootsy

“Dear Lord! It’s 2019! ’Shaft should be hooked up to fully immersed VR Porn simulation until his kidneys and spleen give out! Please give him an honorable death!” –AeroSquid

“‘Unofficial P.I. Bob Kazinski gets to work’ is the greatest intro ever, assuming that you’re cool with ‘getting to work’ meaning ‘asking your unofficial client an awkward question’ and ‘leaping to an unjustified conclusion from said question and relating it to Kelly.'” –Cranky

“I just can’t look away from the Ringo the Ringmaster’s sad, soulful eyes in Panel 1. You can tell he didn’t think his life would turn out this way. He didn’t want to get involved in circus-themed crime. He just wanted to make children smile, and now Dick Tracy is going to punch out his spleen, shove it down his throat, and throw him into the tiger cage.” –Comrade Denny

“Kaz is so baked. Next he’ll be calling athletic supply companies: ‘Did somebody order a lot of balls? Like … a lot of them?'” –Donald The Anarchist

“There are three suspicious people with baseballs down at the county park. They’re easy to recognize as they have no facial features.” –zerowolf

“That’ll take care of any evidence I left behind! Now to walk back to the city on foot with a sniper rifle.” –Dagger

“And here I was, left without anything to bring my friend to her suicide party. A Ziggy cake will work great!” –Ista

“I figured out why Cindy looks twenty years younger than her decrepit peers. She escaped Westview years ago and thus no longer eats Montoni’s Pizza every single day. Maybe she even occasionally eats a vegetable that is not an oil-drenched topping.” –anty a

“Nothing ever sounds less stilted in the original German.” –Packherd

“I can’t believe Kaz keeps letting ‘Gil’s balls’ fly past him without taking a double entendre swing at them. C’mon man: ‘Made any progress today, babe?’ ‘Big Time, Princess Leia. No professional has ever touched Gil’s balls.’ It’s fucking T-ball, dude.” –lunarhalo

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ Something something Delilah’s a skeeve.” –Sir Walter Greenback

“Mary Worth is making the classic mistake of dealing only with the popular half of a quote. ‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when we practice to deceive.’ Except Delilah’s not deceiving anyone. Not only does her ex-boyfriend know she’s married, but she practically announced to Mary and her husband that she’s about to go shtup the moron, and will undoubtedly break down and confess exactly 0.3 seconds after seeing Mary tomorrow morning. Really, the only thing this half-quote has accomplished was to make me picture Mary Worth as a multi-eyed, multi-limbed spider-human hybrid. Thanks for that, Sir Walter Scott. Thanks a lot.” –Black Drazon

“I believe Delilah’s raven hair signifies her status as a fallen woman in the Worth-iverse. In recent storylines, Mary Worth has interfered in the lives of vacant blondes (like that ice skater and the other one who was married to Santa Claus) whose light-colored hair signified their status as naive innocents. Mary’s own hair, of course, is perfectly white as she is without sin.” –Joe Blevins

“Our last night in the pass was bitter cold, which is why I was wearing a windbreaker over my turtleneck, just in case.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“The facial expression of Gil Thorp’s culprit betrays his intention to soon commit Seppuku. ‘I have brought shame upon my family! Quickly, hand me that letter opener!'” –Disingenuous Penguin

Huzzah to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

• Meet your meat: Watch the video that shows what you’re really eating for dinner. Want fries with that? Watch Now!

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Post Content

Kids, we have a number of ITEMS! for you to get through before we reach the beloved COTW, but I think you will find them worth your while!

First off, long-time readers of this blog are well-acquainted with The Fart Party, one of my favoritist Web comics. But for everyone who’s been all like “Man, reading stuff on the Web is for suckers,” now you can get the second volume in book form! Julia Wertz chronicles her happy-go-lucky drunken cheese-oriented self-loathing, for your entertainment! Buy it now if you know what’s good for you, sucka!

Also! Faithful reader McManx draws my attention to this image, recently added to Wikipedia’s Mary Worth article, from the cover of a 1956 comic book compilation of our favorite meddling biddy’s adventures:

So, first, yes, Mary Worth once had its own comic book, and was identified on the cover of said book as “One of America’s great newspaper comics,” despite which obviously false claim the Comics Code Authority still deigned to grant its seal of approval. But as McManx points out, isn’t there something familiar about this scene? Angry Mary … weeping dark-haired beauty with small scrap of paper, possibly with a phone number written on it … menacing stripe-shirted figure — good lord! Could the Charley-Delilah plotline be spooling out again, decades after its origin?

Also also! Have you ever said to yourself, “I wish there were a blog that does for terrible rock lyrics what Josh’s blog does for comics?” Well, now there is, in the form of Awesomely Bad Lyrics. Go forth and enjoy!

And finally! If you would like to help a blogger who’s blogging a blogathon for the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, check this out!

And now, after all that, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“What’s going on? What was that loud noise? And why is blood coming out of the front of your shirt? Are these two events related? Oh, how I wish Andy were here to explain this to me!” –buckyswife

And the runners up! Many funny ones, this week…

“Now that I’ve looked at it again, I’m thinking that the jack-in-the-box is just to get Ziggy on his back, from where he is unable to rise without help. Help which, one prays to god, is never forthcoming.” –Muffaroo

“Doesn’t this panel prove once and for all that Ziggy IS, in fact, wearing pants? Footie pajama pants, to be precise. So, now can we please stop worrying about getting a glimpse of his pudenda? And start worrying that maybe he has the kind with a flap in the back that could suffer a wardrobe malfunction at any moment?” –Brett

“Joey, those people you are involved with are gangsters … they will ruin us and the company if you don’t stop them now! So, quick, talk to Mark Trail, who I know as a person who takes photographs and emphasizes words peculiarly!” –Chip Whittle

“Funky Winkerbean: We put the ‘GI’ in ‘turgid’!” –Uncle Lumpy

“So as each Phantom is named Walker for ‘the ghost who walks,’ then each Judge is named Parker, for ‘the sexless lawyer who parks carelessly’?” –Ed Dravecky

“Brad’s flirting reminds me of a bad joke I will re-work: Q: What’s long and hard on Brad? A: The third grade.” –Rusty

“Brad, Brad, you degenerate cad! Don’t think I can’t follow your eyeline in panel one, mister! Did you really think you’d get away with eyeing Toni’s collarbone like that? Her eyes are up here, thankyouverymuch. And her eyebrows are way up here, kind of floating in the abyss. See ’em?” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t see how anyone can resent the years-long, go-nowhere sexy banter between Brad and Toni. I can only hope it continues for decades to come, finally leaving Brad an old man on an unrumpled deathbed, ruminating on the fact that in the heady rush of all the double entendres, he forgot to have sex.” –Dan

“Mommy gives me a bath by dropping me in the water and then leaving and passing out with a bottle of wine on the couch.” –Rob

“Is it just me, or are Wolverine’s mutton chops getting muttoner and muttoner by the day?” –Roto13

“MJ, on the other hand, will be pleased to discover that sex with Logan involves actual penile penetration, as opposed to Peter’s ejaculating onto webs and, after a lengthy courtship dance, furtively inserting his seldom-depicted pedipalps into her vagina before running away, lest she eat him.” –Comrade Denny

“The 7/16 Mary Worth is making me want to pull a 7/16 Trixie.” –KarMann

“Isn’t that Larry King, dressed like Colonel Sanders, speaking to Margo? Is that why she looks flustered? I know I would be.” –Jumper

“To Wolverine: Sorry bub, but in this strip, shiny blue hair that shapes your face like an autobot cannot compete with Peter Parker’s gay-Elvis forelock. Chinbeards only get lovin’ in Mary Worth.” –teddytoad

“1. Protagonist is introduced. 2. Protagonist’s trivial problem is revealed. 3. Problem is blown way the hell out of proportion. 4. Anvils — a lot of anvils — are dropped on protagonist. 5. Protagonist, having seen not only stars but also good sense, obligingly dances on strings held by soulless inhuman puppetmaster. 6-29. Pastel food montage. 30. Choose one: (i) pool party, (ii) fiery death.” –One-eyed Wolfdog, on how a typical Mary Worth plot could be fit into 30 panels

“I just assumed that all characters, not only the Alzheimy ones, wanted to escape RMMD.” –Anthony

“That’s the Alzheimer’s enclosure behind us! We call it ‘Charterstone’, and nearly every one of the residents wants to escape!” –Naked Bunny With A Whip

“Better Otto pondering the Bhagavad Gita than General Halftrack’s investigations into the Kama Sutra.” –zerowolf

“Is one of Wolverine’s mutant powers his utter lack of table manners? Maybe that’s why most ‘non-mutes’ shun him — no one wants to be sprayed with bits of food as he chops up his meat and stuffs it in his mouth with both hands. For MJ, of course, anything is a change for the better from Peter’s passive-aggression and prissy neuroses.” –Lawyerbob

“Peter would shoot his webbing to pick up his own food wad, but even that little bit of excitement would overwhelm him, and he’d need to lie down on the couch.” –Steve S

“I didn’t think Margo was necessarily against human happiness, per se. I always just assumed it failed to interest her, unless it affected her plans in some way.” –boojum

“The first Spider-man panel makes sense if you consider the context. Between MJ’s direct-to-video starlet lifestyle and Peter’s utterly gutless inability to stand up to Jameson (coupled with the proportionate photographic talent of a spider), the Parkers can only afford to eat at the worst restaurants in New York. Such eateries often have insufficient flatware sets during peak hours and the pork chops are so dry and underprepared that nothing short of unbreakable adamantium combat claws can cut through them.” –Birthmark Hal

“Your desperation has led you to forget everything you know of either seagulls or Marvin. Death pecking is not a possibility. A relentless diarrhetic war of pitiless, sphincterless attrition is indicated.” –Jp

“I just like that the assassin has remembered to wear blaze orange. Safety first!” –Orange Cactus

“It would seem that the sniper in Mark Trail is using some kind of Giant Word Gun, as it appears Joey Williams is actually being knocked over by the word ‘WHAM!’” –Digger

“I love how that second MW panel is labeled ‘Meanwhile’ but there’s nothing going on. ‘Meanwhile … Delilah exists.’ ‘Meanwhile … Delilah walks.’ ‘Meanwhile … bamboo slowly crowds out all other flora in Charterstone and begins plans to go after the fauna.'” –the angry black woman

“Mark Trail: even when a long-hair wants to go straight, he still has to die.” –Ktrout

“It is hard to watch Bill degenerate into senility, hollowly shouting disjointed passages from a comic book, insensible to the fact that his children have left his side long ago. His mental degeneration has progressed so aggressively that he is no longer able to support his family; poor Thel has obviously been forced in her middle age to moonlight as a hotel maid while nursing and patronizing her doddering husband. ‘HOW’S YOUR BOOK?'” –Greenbrastic

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

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Post Content

Your comments of the week momentarily, but first: a couple of items for your attention! First of all, here is an intriguing note from Nevin Martell, who has a book coming out called Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and his Revolutionary Comic Strip. Here’s an abridged version of the summary he sent me:

For ten years, between 1985 and 1995, Calvin and Hobbes was one the world’s most beloved comic strips. And then, on the last day of 1995, the strip ended. Its mercurial and reclusive creator, Bill Watterson, not only finished the strip but withdrew entirely from public life. There is no merchandising associated with Calvin and Hobbes: no movie franchise; no plush toys; no coffee mugs; no t-shirts (except a handful of illegal ones). There is only the strip itself, and the books in which it has been compiled — including The Complete Calvin and Hobbes: the heaviest book ever to hit the New York Times bestseller list.

In Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and His Revolutionary Comic Strip, I trace the life and career of the extraordinary, influential, and intensely private man behind Calvin and Hobbes. With input from a wide range of artists and writers (including Dave Barry, Harvey Pekar, Jonathan Lethem, and Brad Bird) as well as some of Watterson’s closest friends and professional colleagues, this is as close as we’re ever likely to get to one of America’s most ingenious and intriguing figures — and a fascinating detective story, at the same time.

Your readers may also be interested to know that I interviewed almost 50 cartoonists for the project, including Berke Breathed (Bloom County/Opus/Outland), Jim Davis (Garfield), Lynn Johnston (For Better or For Worse), Nicholas Gurewitch (The Perry Bible Fellowship), Keith Knight (The Knight Life/K Chronicles), Bill Amend (Foxtrot), Mort Walker (Beetle Bailey), Stephan Pastis (Pearls Before Swine), Michael Jantze (The Norm), Mark Parisi (Off The Mark), Hilary Price (Rhymes With Orange), Dave Coverly (Speed Bump), Jan Eliot (Stone Soup), Jeff Smith (Bone), Brad Anderson (Marmaduke), Jef Mallett (Frazz), Mike Peters (Mother Goose & Grimm), Steve Troop (Mayberry Melonpool), Craig Thompson (Blankets), Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist Patrick Oliphant, Jim Borgman (Zits), Mark Tatulli (Lio) and Jim Meddick (Monty).

The reason I am passing this on is because there is a free something in it for you — send Nevin an e-mail at lookingforcalvinandhobbes@gmail.com and he’ll send you a PDF of his book’s first chapter! He promises to only use the e-mail addresses he so collects to keep folks updated on when the book is coming out and other information related specifically to that book.

Also of interest is this interview with Apartment 3-G scribe Margaret Shulock, in which, among other things, she wishes aloud that Margo could be allowed to curse in print.

And now … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“How ironic would it be if, one day, we really did get a glimpse of Ziggy’s junk and discovered it to be … the most breathtakingly beautiful, marvelous genitalia ever seen. Then wouldn’t we all feel well ashamed, boy howdy.” –teddytoad

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“I’m pretty sure that Mary is taking her new working gal out for a stroll — how else to explain Delilah’s outfit? Her expression shows her realization of every madame’s worst fear: that her best talent may be lured out of the business by the first smooth operator to come along who parts his hair down the middle.” –Packherd

“I don’t think Charley’s arm is drawn behind his back. I think the artist just forgot to extend it past his side. He just didn’t care. Nor should he. Nor should he.” –sarah

“It’s all so very absurd, and slightly annoying, which makes it all so Mary Worth and the reason I can’t stop reading Mary every ding dong day.” –Nurse with a penis

“If I had to choose the best aspect of Mary Worth, it would be the strip’s attention to subtlety and nuance. Take today’s suitor for Delilah’s attentions. All he needs is a handlebar mustache and he’s ready to head to the railroad tracks.” –Darkefang

“There’s something unseemly about Charley’s leer and the ‘um’ before ‘irreconcilable differences.’ It’s as if his next words are going to be, ‘Yeah, Dana’s vajayjay couldn’t reconcile my enormous schlong! Am I right, or am I right? Aw, c’mon Mrs. Worth, relax, I’m just joking. Or am I? Call me Del! Laters!'” –Old School Allie Cat

“What is causing Gil’s eyes to pop out like that? BLAM! Did Mr. Pearse whip out something that got Gil’s attention? And what was it? A wad of cash? A multi-colored business proposal? A bright, shiny object? Or just his dong.” –Uncle Jeff

“Neddy’s friend will be her lover, an improbably large-breasted Senegalese economics grad student. She will fit in seamlessly at the comic strip’s cocktail parties, able to wear revealing outfits and spout boring dialogue at the same time.” –Aviatrix

“I’m still trying to decide whether the placement of that stop sign is intentional. Has Crankshaft been circling the block for so long that the city council’s actually put up a sign to give him a hint?” –Brickers

“Did you know that if the local Rite Aid is out of your particular shade of Clairol, you can just break open a red Magic Marker and rub the spongy stuff inside directly on your hair?” –Joe Blevins

“It’s ironic that Gil Thorp is the first serial comic to come out and say, ‘The years do run together, don’t they,’ because it’s the only serial where the years DON’T run together. New sports seasons always bring new story lines like clockwork. You can use past Gil Thorp story lines like a calendar. When was my daughter born? I think it was when Coach Thorp was trying to convince Brent Raptor’s mom to let him go to college. Oh yeah, spring baseball season 2006! Now, Apt. 3G … there’s a strip that should state ‘The years do run together, don’t they?’ in a narration box at least once a week.” –Gordogato

“‘The county got a grant.’ ‘You mean money?’ ‘No, just … Grant. He can bat pretty well, though.'” –Chyron HR

“These are mostly kids who have never played before, so it won’t matter that your coaching consists of sitting in a lawn chair drinking booze from a thermos! We tried to get Clambake, but he’s batting coach for the Red Sox this season.” –AirForbes

“Careful, Mary; if you pull at Delilah any harder, her button’s going to pop, and I won’t be answerable for the consequences” –Pozzo

“Going to Mary for advice = Going to Charley for intimacy. It will be hard, fast, repetitive, and uncomfortable, but with any luck, there will be a pool party when you’re done.” –buckyswife

“Incidentally, if anyone deserves to be kept on at Dithers & Company, it’s the janitorial staff, who have given that floor a flawless mirror finish of the sort you usually only see in professional ice rinks or advertisements for very expensive car wax. And, digressing a bit, there are in fact car wax advertisements that are much funnier than this so I’m not entirely sure why I’m still staring at it as if it might undergo some mysterious internal process and emit a small, fleeting humor particle to reward my patient observation.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I like the facial expressions that pass for ‘okay’ in the Funky universe.” –Carly

“I believe that of the torture methods used on prisoners of war, ‘sending you home to live out your miserable days in Westview until you get cancer and die’ has got to be the most effective.” –zooby

“Pluggers eschew all kinds of technology, preferring instead to glorify themselves in some kind of rural, pastoral aura. But then they turn around and gladly reap the benefits of advanced technology in the form of cutting-edge medications. Pluggers, you make me sick.” –Hogenmogen

“Many years ago, at my husband’s old job, one of his co-workers showed up one day in just his boxer shorts and undershirt. He had mental issues, and it appears he hadn’t taken his meds. So I don’t know if this makes that poor guy a plugger, for forgetting which meds to take, or Ziggy, for not wearing pants.” –Perky Bird

“The joke is actually on our anonymous prankster given that Ziggy’s suggestion was ‘please kill me.'” –Violet

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

• The Heretic: The truth is finally revealed!!! From his bloody campaigns and his great friendships to his erotic affairs, Aias was admired by Alexander the Great as his mentor, true friend and military hero. Even the women of Greece passionately adored him, but he was mysteriously removed from Alexander’s journal. Why?
• Meet your meat: Watch the video that shows what you’re really eating for dinner. Want fries with that? Watch Now!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.