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Six Chix, 9/16/24

Hey lady, if you want to shut down all the chit-chat, repeat after me: “I’m a Cross‑Fit vegan; let me tell you about my fur‑babies!”

On the Fast Track, 9/16/24

Oh for crying out loud, Dethany, it’s the one in Row 3 Column 1. It’s your sight gag, own it!

Gil Thorp, 9/16/24

Gil takes his team to Juvie. “Scared straight” or role-modeling? I don’t know, but I know how I want to bet.

Phantom, 9/16/24

Plasma cutting requires an electrical path through conductive material to ground. Devil’s upset because his prosthetic tin nose itches and there’s an electrode up his butt.

Sally Forth, 9/16/24

The Forths enter a corn maze and narrative Doom Loop. They will escape from neither.

Hmm, do Brits have “maize mazes”?

—Uncle Lumpy

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On the Fastrack, 12/7/19

I hate to be the guy who fact-checks the punchline of a comic strip, but … oh, who am I kidding, I absolutely love to be that guy, that’s literally why I started this blog in the first place, and anyway, while wearing a helmet is of course an important safety precaution, I strongly doubt that, in an accident that removed a scooter rider’s head clean at the neck, a helmet really would’ve made much of a difference one way or another. A more appropriate depiction for the statue would’ve been of a guy with his head still attached but a really disgusting head wound, but apparently On the Fastrack, which prides itself on being the most goth syndicated comic strip in America, isn’t willing to “go there.” Sad!

Funky Winkerbean, 12/7/19

Ah, yes, who could forget the “Lord of Late,” the supervillain personification of Mopey Pete’s writer’s block who we last saw, I think, seven years ago? I know that newspaper comics have just straight up given up on trying to win new readers, but it’s absolutely wild that they’ll just throw up punchlines like “I’m sure he was a first ballot inductee into the hall of the ‘Lord of Late’” that will have a tiny percentage of obsessives nodding and saying “Right, that bit from 2012, we all remember it, great callback” and literally everyone else wondering if they’re having a stroke.

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On the Fastrack, 8/17/19

Say, here’s a long-running comic that started out as a pleasant ensemble gag-a-day strip but evolved into a soapbox for the observations, wordplay, and general adoration of a single character, who can do no wrong. Sound familiar? You can almost see Les Moore’s goatee poking out from under the goth makeup.

Gasoline Alley, 8/17/19

And here’s one of those evergreen “snatching death from the jaws of life” narratives. After decades of frustration and reader agony, Rufus’s picaresque woo is finally starting to erode Mayor Miz Melba’s defenses. As night follows day, this triggers his slide into “pain relief pill” addiction and death. Can’t blame him for wanting to quit this world, though, after that “off ow your feet” pun in panel 1.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/17/19

And here is the genuine article, authenticated by its ten-year time jump, week-long Crankshaft flashback/crossover, and overwrought exposition that falls apart on a moment’s inspection. To wit:

• “Stopping by” to give Crankshaft the funnel cake? Wait, weren’t Pete and Mindy just together at the fair? Has Mindy somehow moved into Bedside Manor?
• “I love his ‘donut on steroids’ line.” But that was back in the day, and Pete wasn’t there for it. Do these two spend all their off-panel time chattering about Things Grampa Said? Oh God, they probably do.
• “This is my engagement tiger that Pete won for me at the county fair baseball toss!” Got that, Gramps? Not, “We’re engaged!” or “We brought you a funnel cake!”, but a recap that manages to be both incomprehensible and wrong: a) Pete didn’t win the tiger, the carny gave it to him out of pity, a genuine real-world thing that happens every day; b) “I was planning to propose to you tonight …” is not a proposal, and “My engagement tiger?” is not an acceptance. (Funkyworld people do this weird proposal-not-a-proposal thing all the time.)

In all the confusion, it’s not clear whether Crankshaft is giving Pete the thumbs-up for a) his incompetent pitching, b) his incompetent wooing, or c) successful delivery of a funnel cake. My money’s on the cake.

Judge Parker, 8/17/19

Enough Funky — it’s the triumphant Apartment 3-G reboot! I like the buff new Papagoras! But adult women don’t really dress like the twins here, and since when is Margo the blonde?

Hi there! I’ll be sitting in through Wednesday the 28th while Josh takes a well-earned rest at bucolic Undisclosed Location, far up in the northern part of the state. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any access issues, etc.

— Uncle Lumpy