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Pluggers, 4/6/20

A rule of classic horror, which has somewhat fallen by the wayside in this era of all-too-perfect CGI effects, is to never quite let the audience get a good look at the awful thing you’ve been hinting at all movie, because their imagination will inevitably fill in something far more terrifying than anything you could depict in practice. That’s why I respect what Pluggers has done today, allowing us to dream up our own image of what that greasy slice of pizza, which just landed cheese-side-down on this plugger’s nasty-ass floorboard and is now covered by a thick layer of matted fur speckled with gravel, will look like right before he shoves it into his greedy maw.

Gil Thorp, 4/6/20

It’s finally baseball season and we can move on from the utter snooze-fest that was the basketball plot, though we’re still in the early stages of this storyline, which is to say that Gil is just rattling off the names of various players to his compliant, favored media outlet. Still there are hints of fun to come: the outfield will feature unapologetic fraud artist Tiki Jansen and violent scissors criminal Chance Macy, so I assume that by “a lot of speed” Gil means they’ll be running a amphetamine-dealing ring from the dugout.

Dennis the Menace, 4/6/20

“He’s still sittin’ there watching it, though! Dad says old age has really turned his brain to pudding.”

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Dennis the Menace, 3/14/20

That’s right, Dennis! You aren’t part of a persecuted minority group, and will never have to worry about losing your ability to pursue your career in your homeland, leaving you to live much of your adult life in exile! Also, you’re very, very dumb.

Pluggers, 3/14/20

I know the chicken-lady plugger’s beak is usually yellow and this is just a coloring error, but I choose to believe that while she was going her mental list of cards to buy she did the math on how many more deaths than births there have been recently in her social circle and went white in the face while contemplating her own mortality.

Blondie, 3/14/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Dagwood is being recruited to play on a baseball team otherwise made up entirely of children? And they’re willing to accommodate his naptime? That’s the joke?

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Mark Trail, 3/9/20

Oh, wow, it seems these troubled children are turning on each other! They overheard Kevin admitting he didn’t have a dad and are immediately unleashing the most vicious attack a teen thug can think of: “Hey, look, fellas! A homeless kid!” Fortunately Geoff is there to set everyone straight with some tough talk, or maybe he’s just going to “level the playing field” by revealing all the socially debilitating secrets that ended with these delinquents on this hike instead of doing something fun and cool literally anywhere else. Anyway, how do you feel about the fact that you can apparently see down Geoff’s throat in the final panel? Feel kind of uncomfortable? I sure do!

Mary Worth, 3/9/20

It’s true, change is inevitable, as it’s been said! But in this case, maybe it’s … not? Like maybe Mary could ask for her preferred volunteer shift instead of just meekly acquiescing to the change? What’re they gonna do if she insists, fire her?

Between Friends, 3/9/20

Oh no! The COVID-19 virus has finally reached the funny pages! Can Between Friends be isolated before the rest of our beloved characters are infected? Fortunately the strip is set in Canada, so only the zombie For Better Or For Worse crew is in immediate danger.

Family Circus, 3/9/20

Daddy was “unavoidably detained on an out-of-town trip,” and based on the whispered conversations of adults on the subject Billy has come up with some wild ideas of what’s going on exactly, involving aliens and, I assume, rectal probes.

Pluggers, 3/9/20

PLUGGERS ARE SUNDOWNING

THEY SAID IT

THE SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER PANEL PLUGGERS SAID THIS ABOUT PLUGGERS, NOT ME, I’M JUST REPORTING IT