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Mary Worth, 8/29/20

If you had asked me where I might expect to encounter the line of dialogue “Pain exists. But so does hope,” I would’ve guessed the end of the first act of a big-budget superhero origin story movie, with an anonymous hooded figure staring down at our protagonist and throwing him a rope after he’d been left for dead in a pit somewhere. Our hero climbs out but the figure is gone, but he’s inspired to enter a years-long rigorous training program to make himself into the perfect fighting machine so he can defend his city from the kind of evil-doers who almost killed him, only to discover at the climax of the film that the mysterious leader of the twisted criminal syndicate he’s been trying to defeat is in fact his long-ago rescuer. “We’re not so different, you and I,” intones the Hood as the two of them battle it out on the city’s rooftops. “I made you so you could make me. A shadow cannot exist without the light.” But, you know, it could be an contented retiree making amiable chitchat with a tween as they sit besides the pool on a sunny Southern California day, that would work too!

Hi and Lois, 8/29/20

Today’s Hi and Lois is brought to you by the good people at the International Dairy Foods Association. In These Unprecedented Times℠, Cheese: Now More Than Ever™.

Pluggers, 8/29/20

Pluggers want more tomatoes. More. More tomatoes. Do you think they’ve had enough tomatoes? They’ll tell you when they’ve had enough. There will never be enough. More tomatoes. Bring more tomatoes to them. More. MORE. M O R E

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Pluggers, 8/25/20

The old era of Pluggers has ended and a new one has begun! How will these new-look pluggers distinguish themselves from their predecessors? Well, pluggers have traditionally be depicted as hard-working blue-collar folks, whose very name comes from continuing to “plug” away reliably even though society’s deck is stacked against them. But new pluggers? New pluggers have realized they can just take a nap and they honestly don’t even feel bad about it! Plugging away at things is for suckers! I’m both excited to see where this strip is going and terrified at what pluggers will do now that they’ve rejected the societal norms that have served as guardrails for their behavior up to this point.

The Lockhorns, 8/25/20

Maybe it’s a bit odd, but I’m more willing to accept change in Pluggers than I am in The Lockhorns, who in my opinion are inhabitants of Levittown circa 1965 and should stay there and then, forever, and should definitely not be watching shows only available on streaming services. Anyway, that fence is nowhere near tall enough to block out spoilers, neighbor! Leroy may be a gnomish three feet tall, but he can still easily shout audible spoilers into your yard! The only solution is to enclose their entire property under an air-tight dome, which frankly you should’ve done a long time ago.

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Mary Worth, 8/22/20

Hmm, is this Mary Worth storyline wrapping up? Well, Madi is sitting up straight, making direct eye contact with the reader, and outlining the positive life goals she’s developed for herself, so all signs point to yes! Apparently all you need to cure a young girl’s grief is to listen to her with an open heart and show her that no matter how badly off she is, at least she’s smarter than Toby.

Pluggers, 8/22/20

Speaking of wrapping up, it’s time for longtime chief plugger Gary Brookins to retire from his work on Pluggers. The strip, along with the very notion of pluggerdom, will continue under Rick McKee, so keep sending in those suggestions, folks, we know you want to. Anyway, Gary handed over the keys to the hallowed AOL address to Rick, and he’s decamped over to Instagram, because he’s a god-damned influencer now. See ya, suckers!

The Phantom, 8/22/20

Yes, Bangalla is a thriving post-colonial democracy, with a vibrant economy in which all it takes to get a good-paying job is a personal relationship with the head of the local government-backed paramilitary force, who in turn takes orders from the mysterious, anonymous warlord who holds sway over the nation’s president and operates outside the structures of any democratically responsible institution!