Post Content

Mary Worth, 11/24/16

Oh, man, I will be extremely thankful if we get a hot, hot May-August romance between Iris and (stifles laughter) “Zak” in this storyline. Their love begins today as they admire in wonder each other’s names, which come from such different generations! Mind you, Iris was at its least popular in the ’60s and ’70s, the window during which I assume Iris was born, and has seen a real surge in the past 10 years, so I guess Zak is a pretty typical college student in that he doesn’t know any old people or children. Meanwhile, Iris already thinks Zak has a dope (as the kids say) name now, and keep in mind that she’s just hearing this spoken aloud, so she probably assumes he spells it “Zach,” like a normal person. Once she he texts her his info, the hip, edgy spelling “Zak” is going to blow her mind, unless she assumes it’s a typo.

Beetle Bailey, 11/24/16

You know what I’ve always been thankful for? That Rocky was just kind of a sullen, guitar-strumming dick who didn’t have a tragic backstory that explained why he was the way he was. Well, that’s over now, so thanks a lot, Beetle Bailey. (Because today’s Thanksgiving, I feel I need to clarify that “thanks a lot” there was meant to be the sarcastic kind of “thanks a lot.”)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/16

Hey, ever notice how Rex and June don’t seem to have any family they’re close to, or good friends other than Heather? Just thought I’d point that out for no reason, as they cluster at one end of what appears to be a long, empty table on Thanksgiving!

Post Content

Shoe, 11/19/16

Wait, if Punxsutawney Phil really had Secret Groundhog Powers letting him know about the coming rise in global temperatures, wouldn’t he have bought some nice little place in Canada, miles away from the ocean? No, I think this is evidence that the whole Groundhog Day business is corrupt, and Phil is retiring with his ill-gotten gains from Big Winter.

Spider-Man, 11/19/16

I see two ways this storyline can go. MJ might use her break from acting and her vast wealth earned from Broadway stardom to take her and Peter on a lovely two-week vacation somewhere nice, where he spends his time sulking about the fact that his wife makes more than him until he’s forced by circumstances to fight crime, at which point he starts sulking about that. Or she could just wax rhapsodic about the repairs! She already looks pretty dreamy about it in the final panel, to be honest. “The roof! Oh, Peter, they’re going to fix the roof!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/16

Welp, this Rex Morgan plot wrapped very quickly and without much conflict or action, and thank goodness! Who needs that kind of overstimulation from the funny pages? Certainly not me! Anyway, I appreciate our victorious cop putting a dramatic pause before saying downtown in panel three. Really lets us know that this whole things is wrapping up, right? If you want to imagine that the action freeze-frames and then Petula Clark’s “Downtown,” starts blaring out, I think that would add to the experience.

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/17/16

Oh, whoops, I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the Great Frozen Money Dementia Caper, have I? Well, here’s the short version: Milton met up with a dude who dumped him at the bus station, not before switching jackets, leaving Milton with the dude’s cell phone and the dude with Milton’s cash. This was exactly as boring as it sounds, until today when we abruptly smash cut to Scooter living a life of comically PG-13 debauchery at Morgantown’s finest “Gentlemen’s Club” (legally, they can’t call it a strip club because nobody takes their clothes off).

Dick Tracy, 11/17/16

Both of America’s citizens with Lunarian DNA have been lying low in Diet Smith’s heavily fortified compound ever since the unpleasantness, but apparently Mysta still gets to drive out into the world occasionally to pick up “the magazines.” I have to say that it makes me respect Diet a lot less as a genius inventor, and respect the Lunarians a lot less as a futuristic menace, to learn that none of them have ever heard of the Internet, a network that can, among other things, allow you to read the magazines on your computer.

Spider-Man, 11/17/16

Yesterday’s Spider-Man would’ve been a great final slapstick moment for this plot, which really makes it too bad that it was accidentally published on Wednesday. Now they’ve got four days of narrative dead space to fill! I predict that by Sunday Peter and Scott will be making out, just to put an end to the awkward pauses.

Beetle Bailey, 11/17/16

Not sure what exactly can get the hired hands toiling at flaccid long-running legacy comic strips to feel shame, but I sincerely hope that getting beat to a pop culture joke by the Family Circus by two and a half months is on this list.