Post Content

Judge Parker, 11/28/16

The characters in Judge Parker, who have spent the last few decades as the unquestioned lords and masters of all they survey, with people just handing them money and power for no good reason, have now been abruptly brought low by a series of tragic events. Frankly, we’ve all been so focused on Neddy’s factory disaster and Sophie’s kidnapping that we’ve neglected another damsel in distress: April, Judge Parker Junior’s CIA assassin wife, who actually vanished before the change of writers, after being sent to do One Last Job in Belgrade.

Anyway, Randy’s been pretty broken up about it, obviously, and today’s strip reminds us of a reality of the newly grim Parkerburg: our heroes are so emotionally bereft as to be incapacitated, but they’re still in charge, which means that vital decisions are going unmade. Look at that huge stack of paperwork! Randy hasn’t heard a case in weeks, which means probably there are some people in jail who have no idea if they’ll ever get to trial, or maybe some businesses in limbo because lawsuits they’re involved in can’t move forward. Is Randy a criminal or civil judge? Who even knows? The point is, he’s sad about his wife, and the rest of you people will have to wait.

Curtis, 11/28/16

Curtis’s dad is giving his son a crash course on what life is like in this fallen world, where a constant stream of resources are needed to extend the lives of anything, from an advertising agency to an apartment building to a human body. Of course, all this effort still won’t stave off your inevitable death, but that’s a story for another day!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/16

“Shhh, June, no. I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t true. Sarah isn’t the way she is because you worked when she was a baby. She’s that way because we summoned her into existence via unholy, forbidden science! I swear to you we have the procedure refined now!”

Post Content

Mary Worth, 11/24/16

Oh, man, I will be extremely thankful if we get a hot, hot May-August romance between Iris and (stifles laughter) “Zak” in this storyline. Their love begins today as they admire in wonder each other’s names, which come from such different generations! Mind you, Iris was at its least popular in the ’60s and ’70s, the window during which I assume Iris was born, and has seen a real surge in the past 10 years, so I guess Zak is a pretty typical college student in that he doesn’t know any old people or children. Meanwhile, Iris already thinks Zak has a dope (as the kids say) name now, and keep in mind that she’s just hearing this spoken aloud, so she probably assumes he spells it “Zach,” like a normal person. Once she he texts her his info, the hip, edgy spelling “Zak” is going to blow her mind, unless she assumes it’s a typo.

Beetle Bailey, 11/24/16

You know what I’ve always been thankful for? That Rocky was just kind of a sullen, guitar-strumming dick who didn’t have a tragic backstory that explained why he was the way he was. Well, that’s over now, so thanks a lot, Beetle Bailey. (Because today’s Thanksgiving, I feel I need to clarify that “thanks a lot” there was meant to be the sarcastic kind of “thanks a lot.”)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/16

Hey, ever notice how Rex and June don’t seem to have any family they’re close to, or good friends other than Heather? Just thought I’d point that out for no reason, as they cluster at one end of what appears to be a long, empty table on Thanksgiving!

Post Content

Shoe, 11/19/16

Wait, if Punxsutawney Phil really had Secret Groundhog Powers letting him know about the coming rise in global temperatures, wouldn’t he have bought some nice little place in Canada, miles away from the ocean? No, I think this is evidence that the whole Groundhog Day business is corrupt, and Phil is retiring with his ill-gotten gains from Big Winter.

Spider-Man, 11/19/16

I see two ways this storyline can go. MJ might use her break from acting and her vast wealth earned from Broadway stardom to take her and Peter on a lovely two-week vacation somewhere nice, where he spends his time sulking about the fact that his wife makes more than him until he’s forced by circumstances to fight crime, at which point he starts sulking about that. Or she could just wax rhapsodic about the repairs! She already looks pretty dreamy about it in the final panel, to be honest. “The roof! Oh, Peter, they’re going to fix the roof!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/16

Welp, this Rex Morgan plot wrapped very quickly and without much conflict or action, and thank goodness! Who needs that kind of overstimulation from the funny pages? Certainly not me! Anyway, I appreciate our victorious cop putting a dramatic pause before saying downtown in panel three. Really lets us know that this whole things is wrapping up, right? If you want to imagine that the action freeze-frames and then Petula Clark’s “Downtown,” starts blaring out, I think that would add to the experience.