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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/20/14

Long ago, I worked with a photographer who was also a passionate VW enthusiast, and for whom every new “upgrade” to his beloved brand was a kick in the solar plexus: One-piece rear window, UNGH! Big tail lights, UNGH! Convertible top, UNGH! When they introduced a semiautomatic transmission he uttered a fearsome oath, bought a Porsche, and never looked back. Good thing, too, or he would’ve seen the abomination Niki’s driving.

The same dark forces that turned the bug by degrees into the Super Beetle turned Original Niki and Kelly into these two. We first met Niki snatching June’s purse to buy artisanal salami for his methskank Mom, then doing some impressive ethical acrobatics to talk himself into a big payday “reward” after an extended tutorial from Rex. Kelly started out a stereotypical Bad Girl running off to drug parties in the woods and having a Brush with Death before Seeing the Error of Her Ways. Now they’re all cleaned up, and droning out text like “Sarah’s a great kid and I like her very much” about hideous paint-spattered brat-monsters. Kids, don’t let the Morgans get anywhere near you, is what I’m saying.

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/20/14

Slylock’s totalitarian society descends into outright racism: “First they came for the skunks and I did not speak out, because I was not stinky.”

Lockhorns (panel), 7/20/14

Loretta, lack of wind is not the problem.

Also: Alfas haven’t had those bumpers since 1982. Has Leroy been bald 32 years?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/20/14

Parson Tuttle’s own sins tend toward small-time grifting, so he’s plum tickled to get a lead on the more entertainin’ sinnin’ goin’ on in th’ Holler.

Piranha Club, 7/20/14

Now that right there is an authentic automobile. Own it, Ernie — own it as long as you possibly can. Doris will be happy to drive you to work.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/14/14

Sarah writes:

“And then there was a bully and he said my picture was BAD but I told him NO and all the kids were like ‘YAY CAN WE BE SARAH’S FRIEND’ and the Teacher said ‘SARAH is the Boss now!’ But the old lady came and smelled like pee but she was the boss of EVERYBODY and told them whatever SARAH wants and gave me the money for the museum so Kelly can’t kiss Nikki ANY MORE and has to give me rides WHEREVER I WANT. And then the Daddy says, ‘Tell it again, Mommy! Tell the story again about SARAH!'”

Judge Parker 7/14/14

Neddy explains:

“Ready-to-wear for princesses ‘cuz they’re princess dresses and they’re named after princesses and you feel like a princess when you wear one! This one’s the Rapunzel, and this is Snow White, and Pocahontas with the beads, and Belle. The one that comes with a scarf is called Jasmine and the swimwear is Ariel! Sam, will you help me with the licensing?”

Gasoline Alley 7/14/14

Did you ever get up in the morning and really, really want to draw a steam locomotive? No? Well then, my friend, I’m pretty sure your name isn’t Jim Scancarelli.

Gil Thorp 7/14/14

“Now we have to find a football program that’ll do right by True. That’s why we’ve come here to Milford to talk to you, Coach Thorp. Wait, that didn’t sound right somehow. Let’s start over again at the top, OK?”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Oh my goodness that was so exciting! And now begins the eleventh blogyear — the second blog decade — of the Curmudgeonarchy. Look on these works, ye mighty, and despair ….

Apartment 3-G, 7/12/14

Despair especially upon reading today’s Apartment 3-G! After weeks of tedious passive-aggressive banter, Carol and Tommie finally bond over a prank that would embarrass a preschooler. Giggle-snort-guffaw, indeed, and I’ll raise you “chortle.”

It’s a mercy Tommie can’t hear the quotation marks when Luann and Margo tell people she’s the funny one.

But we can …

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/14

Speaking of despair, see how crestfallen poor Rexy looks as his daughter rockets past him into society’s uppermost stratum of privilege and influence. I’m betting those free cab rides and Shamu passes seem pretty shabby about now don’t they Rex, you pathetic bourgeois striver.

Mark Trail, 7/12/14

The key to compelling fiction is carefully detailed secondary characters. See, for example, how the lion’s rage and loathing are directed inward at his own cowardice, not at his feisty erstwhile prey. Let’s listen in! “Sure, Leo — run from the fucking giraffe, loser. Like he’ll neck you to death or some shit. ‘King of the Jungle’ my ass. Goddamn, warthog again tonight — Zuri’s gonna kill me.” And even at this great distance the reader can sense the vulture’s disappointment at the loss of its meal, disgust at the craven lion, and maybe a flicker of hope that Chris’s plan will save it from starvation? Of course, that assumes that the corpse of Mark Trail, all leather and sinew, could possibly be digested, even by a vulture, and even after a couple days rotting in the African sun. But hey, a bird’s gotta dream — fly high, vulture guy!

Luann, 7/12/14

When Luann wants to disappear somebody, they put him on a plane. Longtime Luann crush Aaron Hill was exiled to Hawaii, but that has disadvantages of being still nominally in the US, so the disappeared one could theoretically keep in touch by phone. The technique was perfected for Miguel and one-shot “Sanchez” by sending them to Spanish-speaking countries. It’s perfect because not only are they outside the US so who cares, but if they did somehow manage to build a working telephone out of the native soot, feathers, and animal bones, we wouldn’t hear anything on our end but incomprehensible gibbering.

I’m super-interested in Gunther’s experience actually on his flight to nonexistence (OK, Peru, but c’mon). Will he just wink out once he crosses the border, or is it a gradual process of dematerialization culminating in technical nonexistence somewhere over, say, Quito? Can he feel the interstitial tissues of his internal organs relaxing their grip right now? What kind of Last Meals do they serve on a flight to Nowhere? He and Rosa are in Business Class (thanks, Mom — bye!), so will they get a couple dishes of those awesome hot nuts with their Diet Pepsis? Does Gunther save the cashews for last, and avoid the almonds entirely? Maybe, ever the gentleman, he gives Rosa his cashews and takes her almonds? It’s the least/last thing a fella can do.

Josh has withdrawn to his garret to finish his novel (tick-tappita tick-tapp tappita), so I’ll be here through Sunday the 27th. No fundraiser this time: thus your generous contribution will be an especially welcome surprise when we send it up in the basket with his sandwiches. If you have any technical issues with the site, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy