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Mark Trail, 6/9/15

Rusty isn’t just a hideous boy-thing that the Trails took in because nobody else would let him live inside; he’s also a constant danger magnet who needs to be rescued on the regular! You’ll remember, of course, the time he got stuck under a car, which led to Mark sacrificing his moral code and punching a cop in the face. Today’s drama plays out much more quickly: not only is Rusty endangered not by some human-made machine but by Mark’s beloved nature, but it’s Mark who ends up unconscious and concussed at the end of it. Will Rusty have to find hitherto unseen reserves of strength and drag Mark to safety? Will he allow Mark to die and just forlornly stare at Mark’s corpse until he gets hungry, and then start eating it? Either way, I think the real lesson here is that this lake is surrounded by rotting trees that just fall over when you barely look at them, so maybe there needs to be a local beaver population to clear out the literal dead wood.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/15

“I mean, my daughter is an actual apprentice art forger for the mob, so what’s a little light counterfeiting between friends? Anyway, take care of it, but don’t feel a need to let me in on the details. Remember, I can’t testify about anything I don’t know about!”

Dennis the Menace, 6/9/15

Dennis embraces the dystopian future where human offspring are grown in vats and, once weaned from their wire mothers, delivered by flying robots to their assigned workstations, A+ menacing.

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Blondie, 5/31/15

This is an extremely disappointing Blondie because we haven’t been privy at all to the drama that led up to it: the joy of reaching the big tournament shattered as Dagwood is yanked from the team, the friendship betrayed, Dagwood’s sense of self-worth destroyed. When the phone starts saying “Herb Woodley” in its robot voice (are there real phones that do this? because that sounds terrifying and awful), we should feel the pent up rage and frustration that Dagwood feels. It would make the pathos of the final row of panels — in which Dagwood’s resentment dissolves into pathetic gratitude at being a backup selection — all the more intense, and the sting of Herb’s final panel contempt all the sharper.

Panels from Mary Worth, 5/31/15

Oh, whoops, looks like Terry physically blocking Adam’s proposal was just a necessary step along the road that will lead to their inevitable marriage. As you can see in panel two, Terry is becoming increasingly unmoored from reality, not even able to trust the evidence of her own senses, which will make her helpless to resist Adam’s advances.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/15

“It’ll be fun to watch her try to be nice to people! It’s probably going to be super hard for her. She should just pretend to be nice, like I did to her a couple panels back. It was really easy! Say, I forget, am I the sympathetic character in this storyline?”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/15

Welp, after some negotiations with Nancy’s family and Kelly’s mob lawyer, we’ve figured out what Nancy’s punishment should be: Nancy is now in charge of making sure Kelly’s car isn’t damaged further. The bullying stops today! Unless she needs to use violence or the threat of violence to keep people from damaging Kelly’s car. Then she should bully as much as she needs to. The car is the important thing. She’s got to protect that car by any means necessary or everything that’s important to her gets taken away. I’m beginning to think that Kelly has found herself employed by the right organization.

Dennis the Menace, 5/28/15

You might think that by teaching himself to cook so he doesn’t have to bother his parents for treats, Dennis is being extremely non-menacing. But then, what’s more menacing to a parent than learning that his child doesn’t need him anymore? A+ power move, Dennis.