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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/4/11

Oh, look, it’s a new Rex Morgan villain with comical facial hair. I really like the last panel. You can tell that the artist thought it best to only extend our wheelman’s mustache a bit below his lower lip, but the colorist took matters into his or her own hands. “Dude clearly doesn’t do anything halfway, and that Fu Manchu has to go all the way to his jawline. Photoshop, don’t fail me now!”

Mary Worth, 3/4/11

Yes, most of us would be pretty startled to discover that our reflections were not actually reflecting what we were doing. Dawn’s probably worried that she’s suffering a psychotic break, but maybe in her social networking frenzy she just forgot that that isn’t a mirror at all, but a huge monitor displaying the current DawnCam.com feed. Right now it’s repeating activity from earlier in the night, but her paid subscribers don’t need to know that.

Jumble, 3/4/11

I’m always too dumb to actually solve the Jumble, but I don’t need to today because the answer is obviously “a snow bank.” Now just to fill in the circles and … hey, wait a minute … DAMN YOU JUMBLE!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/4/11

So … being a lawyer in Hootin’ Holler involves throwing rocks at people? Yeah, that sounds about right, actually.

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Blondie, 3/3/11

There’s something I’m profoundly missing about today’s Blondie. Mostly, I’m completely befuddled as to what un-thought-ballooned thoughts we’re supposed to understand to be ruminating in the minds of the two characters in the second panel of this strip. Presumably it’s something that makes panel three funny, or at least makes it make sense. Is barber M. Morelli’s weirdly prominent nameplate relevant somehow? Is Dagwood pausing because he believes his dictatorial boss, whose spies are everywhere, might be listening in on him at this very moment? Perhaps he fears that the huge, unbroken pane of glass is a one-way mirror that Mr. Dithers is hiding on the other side of, seething.

Judge Parker, 3/3/11

Oh, look, the demonization of the latest female Judge Parker guest star is proceeding apace! Our formerly pleasant college student suddenly has turned hard-faced and cruel, as she pushes forward with marketing Judge Parker’s terrible thriller despite the death of her boss. Will we find out that Constance literally threw her boss under the bus? Will Constance’s plot end violently, and in turn become fodder for another Judge Parker book, which will be promoted by yet another murderess? I think I’m beginning to understand why the publishing world is in so much trouble.

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/11

Ha ha, I love Trey’s look of fish-lipped horror in panel two as he processes the phrase “life and stuff.” “My God, I thought he was just a rough-around-the-edges working-class guy, but no, he really is quite stupid.”

Mark Trail, 3/3/11

Oh my God, Mark’s been separated from his razor and is starting to show signs of a beard! HE’S BECOME WHAT HE HATES THE MOST.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/3/11

Oh, hey, and someone tried to hire June Morgan as a stripper! So there’s that.

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Mary Worth, 2/18/11

So, this current Mary Worth storyline: opinions differ about it! Here, for instance, is the complete text of an email I received from my mother yesterday evening:

this is the most boring Mary Worth ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I admit that it’s not the roller-coaster ride of hilarity of, say, Charley or Jill, but it has its subtle charms! I sort of love how Wilbur’s been getting more and more exasperated as Mary continues to not get the awesomeness of Twitter. I mean, he doesn’t even really care for it that much, but since he’s showing Mary how it works, he wants her to be at least a little intrigued.

It’s also fun if you imagine that, in the second panel, they’re talking about Wilbur’s penis.

Anyway, if you want to try to purge that image from your mind, you might want to check out today’s Mary Worth-themed Shortpacked!

Mark Trail, 2/18/11

Mark Trail, meanwhile, continues to entertain in a more straightforward fashion. I’d like to believe that the third panel is taking place in that Coast Guard helicopter’s spacious stateroom, and the red-haired figure in the foreground is the vessel’s commanding officer. He’s watching his bumbling underlings bicker and wrestle over the diamond-less tackle box, and thinking about whether it would save time on paperwork to just “accidentally” shove Ben Smith out the door in mid-flight.

Judge Parker, 2/18/11

The title character from Judge Parker may not get as much time in the spotlight as Sam Driver, but in panel three he proves that he can be just as smug. Remember, kids, the coddled and the privileged start out with an unrealistically high opinion of themselves, so the only way to really stroke their egos is to frame your ass-kissing as “brutal honesty.”

Spider-Man, 2/18/11

So she used to be your finacée … uh huh … and now she is again … right, right … loves you in spite of your past … sure, makes sense … WAIT YOU’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED? OH DEAR GOD!!!!