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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/16/08

I apologize for not dwelling more on the opening salvos of the current Rex Morgan storyline, because it promises to be a doozy: the cruise line is bankrupt, the crew is in open revolt, and the ship is heading aimlessly into international waters. Rex is a practical man, and it’s well known that, after anonymous gay sex spending time with his wife and child, his main passions in life are ice cream and macaroni and cheese; therefore, it makes sense that his first thought is for how he’ll be getting sustenance on this mutinous hell-cruise. In panel three, he seems to be trying to determine exactly how soon cannibalism will be necessary, and how he can manage not to be the first to feast on his fellow passengers’ flesh but still get enough to eat and not become an entrée himself.

Hi and Lois, 12/16/08

In the spirit of always looking on the bright side of life: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the current economic meltdown is a good thing; but the collapse of global financial markets did indirectly give rise to this cartoon, in which Hi is sporting a pleasingly gobsmacked expression. No doubt he’s realizing that, as a Generic White-Collar Suburban Cartoon Dad, he has absolutely no skills of the sort that will be useful in the coming post-collapse world (e.g., hunting, agriculture, small-unit tactics). Can any event, no matter how disastrous, that has unnerved comfortable Hi Flagston so completely be entirely bad?

Marvin, 12/16/08

Just as with Ralph the log-fucking dog, Clare’s affections are indicated in today’s Marvin by disturbingly black hearts floating above her head, and for similar reasons: her affections are sick and wrong. In this case, those hearts are there to illustrate the love life of babies. Terrible, gold-digging babies.

Marmaduke, 12/16/08

Guess who’s the bottom and who’s the top in the S&M relationship between Marmaduke and his Hitler-esque owner.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/9/08

“Wait … did you just make a ‘all in the same boat’ joke, because we’re on a boat? OK, the rudeness and crying are one thing, but that … that crosses the line. Come on, Sarah, we’re getting the hell off this thing.”

Mary Worth, 12/9/08

Lynn’s paranoia begins to run rampant. “Sorry, Mary, we can only talk freely outside … my enemies have microphones hidden in every room of that hospital!” “Lynn, I don’t fully understand your delusions, but want to know more!”

Pluggers, 12/9/08

Plugger “exercize” involves sitting in a recliner, in front of the television, for hours every night. There is literally nothing anyone can say to make fun of this. Congratulations, Pluggers, for putting yourself beyond parody.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/7/08

A while back, I wondered what sort of medical drama the Morgans would be dealing with on their high seas cruise adventure. But June’s surly deckhand encounter, combined with all the hijinks on display here, indicate that this death ship is afflicted not by Legionnaires’ disease or rampant crabs, but by one of those Star Trek-style diseases that alter people’s personality in comically overdetermined ways. In this case, it seems to have transformed all of the ship’s male crewmembers into assholes, and reduced the women to crying, traumatized wrecks.

The real danger is that if Rex is infected, it will be difficult to tell. But no matter what danger our heroes face, they’ll be sure to triumph with Sarah in their corner, as she seems to have been replaced in panel three with Filipino martial arts star/viral video phenom Weng Weng.

Mary Worth, 12/7/08

“Hmm, my daughter fainted on-ice after years of my browbeating her as her skating coach, no doubt because she’s grown to hate the sport and how it’s destroyed our relationship, and now she won’t talk to me … what could I possibly do to cheer her up and re-establish an emotional connection? I know! I’ll decorate her hospital room with figure-skating posters!”

Savor that last panel, everybody, as Lynn’s dramatic ellipses represents the last moment when you’ll still believe that the story behind this mysterious photo might be interesting.

Shoe, 12/7/08

The Replacements broke up in 1991, so we now know that, by 2036 at the latest, we will all be transformed into horrible hybrid human-bird things. God help us all.